As some of you MAY KNOW ABOUT MEEEEE I’m really into music. I LOVE LISTENING TO MUUUUSIC (UH) whenever I can.
I listen at work. At home.
On the SUBWAY, SUBWAY, SUUBB-WAA-YYY practically everyday.
Welcome to my world when I listen to Alicia Keys’ album As I Am. I’m sorry, but I just don’t get it. Alicia Keys is the R&B equivalent (style-wise) ofThe Pixies and Nirvana:
She sings in that low…slow….sweet register for a bar or two before EXPLODING into senselessly long high notes and screeching mult-syllabic eruptions that I can only best equate to “Wookie castration”.
And it’s rather souless, too.
As a matter of fact, the following have all been scientifically-proven to have more soul than Alicia Keys:
- The Jonas Brothers
- The new “lime Pepsi”
- Hi-5’s from John McCain
- Hooker sex
Keys’ voice actually ranks 67th; just above Will.i.am (77) and just below zombies (58).
People blame Whitney Houston or Mariah Carey for the singers on American Idol. Nope. I think these kids-AI contestants are usually around 17-24 yrs old–are evoking Alicia “Off”-Keys.
So, better uses of Alicia Keys’ voice:
- Fire/car alarms. Even better if someone’s lighting your car on fire.
- Back-up voice for Samuel L. Jackson (contractually required to do his “raving black man voice” in every movie–more on him in a future post)
- Finally bridging the linguistic gap between humans and mermen.
- Snake-charming your chode back to “normal” status.
I hope Alicia reads this.
Come on Alicia, do it for Chewie.