As(s) I Am

As some of you MAY KNOW ABOUT MEEEEE I’m really into music. I LOVE LISTENING TO MUUUUSIC (UH) whenever I can.

I listen at work. At home.

She sings really loud, so she MUST be really good. Right?

On the SUBWAY, SUBWAY, SUUBB-WAA-YYY practically everyday.

Confused?

Annoyed?

Welcome to my world when I listen to Alicia Keys’ album As I Am. I’m sorry, but I just don’t get it. Alicia Keys is the R&B equivalent (style-wise) ofThe Pixies and Nirvana:

She sings in that low…slow….sweet register for a bar or two before EXPLODING into senselessly long high notes and screeching mult-syllabic eruptions that I can only best equate to “Wookie castration”.

And it’s rather souless, too.

As a matter of fact, the following have all been scientifically-proven to have more soul than Alicia Keys:

  1. The Jonas Brothers
  2. The new “lime Pepsi”
  3. Hi-5’s from John McCain
  4. Hooker sex

Keys’ voice actually ranks 67th; just above Will.i.am (77) and just below zombies (58).

People blame Whitney Houston or Mariah Carey for the singers on American Idol. Nope. I think these kids-AI contestants are usually around 17-24 yrs old–are evoking Alicia “Off”-Keys.

So, better uses of Alicia Keys’ voice:

  1. Fire/car alarms. Even better if someone’s lighting your car on fire.
  2. Back-up voice for Samuel L. Jackson (contractually required to do his “raving black man voice” in every movie–more on him in a future post)
  3. Finally bridging the linguistic gap between humans and mermen.
  4. Snake-charming your chode back to “normal” status.

I hope Alicia reads this.

Come on Alicia, do it for Chewie.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “As(s) I Am

  1. anita

    I agree with you. Ditto. Looking forward to the Samuel Jackson post.

  2. Kristin

    Yeah, he, I mean, she should’ve stopped at “Diary….” which is, arguably, her BEST work to date….

  3. Pingback: I’d Hit That « The Kids Don’t Get It: pop culture and stuff

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