“Elephant” remake stalls at NJ school; shooting resumes today

Have you seen this?http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26622522

Read it, and come back. It’s ok; The Kids Don’t… will wait for you.

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……

……

Done? Ok, good.

*ahem*

HOW F*CKING CRAZY IS THAT?

The English Department prepares to teach students/staff FEAR. Go Rancocas Rams!

When my co-worker sent this to me, I laughed one of those uncomfortable laughs as I read it; you know, the “you’re the only person in the room laughing at the uneven bars mishap during the Olympics” kind of laugh.

But really, isn’t that crazy? I read it and couldn’t help but wonder the following:

1. What administration says, “Is it better to hold our shooting drill during the first week of school or should we just wait until the winter cotillion?”

2. How f**ked in the head are you now if you’re a staff member? Do they reimburse you for the shit-stained draws you had to teach in for the rest of the day? What will un-announced classroom observations look like this year?

3. How REALLY f**cked in the head are you in you’re a new student ? Aren’t you maybe considering transferring to a Newark, NJ high school now?

4. Who the hell answers the ad-listing “Person(s) needed to run into local area school and fire blank firearms at un-suspecting students and staff.  Salary commensurate with experience.”

Maybe fire alarms are a little antiquated; I mean outside of Carrie I can’t remember the last time a school had to contend with such an instance.

But at the least, can’t they take stock of the current climate of U.S. schools and do more appropriate drills?

Here’s some drills your local school could and should be doing:

"Oh man; I shouldn't have had that last penis for lunch."

1. Teenage Pregnancy Drill: During 5th period, one female student in each classroom announces that her “f*cking water just broke!”. Everyone scrambles; surrounding students turn off their iPods and collaborate with teacher to elevate student’s legs (wait–that’s what got them in trouble in the first place) while others race around the school to find the baby’s daddy. We’ll assume the father is there, and not in prison. Or, sitting behind the principal’s desk.

2. Race Riot Drill: Perfect for your “diverse” inner-city school. Announce that a minority teen that attends the school was recently beaten-up by someone who is “fair-dark-skinned” with “possible-definite rival gang affiliations”. If that doesn’t work, at 10:17, have each teacher read off a list of racial slurs until something starts “popping off”.

3. INS Drill: Perfect for immigrant-heavy student populations. Selected staff run through the building un-announced during morning announcements wearing President masks ( like in Point Break) and “INS Field Agent” jackets brandishing sheets of paper with “government names” on them . Best if done on “Yearbook Picture “day.

Practice these drills a couple times a year. I’d suggest mixing them up a lot, too.

But please, involve your staff at least.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to ““Elephant” remake stalls at NJ school; shooting resumes today

  1. Ruh

    Are the pregnancy drills sponsored by the RNC and Gov. Palin?

  2. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
    Talk about LOL at work! First a guilty laugh at the teachers scrambling for cover against the fake shooter (what if someone had a heart attack or stroke? What if someone now has PTSD and can’t go back to school?)and then a heartier laugh over the scrambling for the baby’s daddy. What a hot mess.

  3. Kristin

    Is that “Rosie” in that picture?? LMFAO!!!

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