He Said/She Said

Like a lot of you, I get emails from friends everyday. And typically, these emails/correspondences can be grouped into two distinct categories, sublime in their simplicity: Male. Female.

FACT: Girl emails (for the purpose of this post, we’ll call these “femails” ) are richer in content and feeling. Here’s an example of a femail:

Why must life be so hard sometimes? Thank god for friends...!

SUBJECT: Hello friend!

Message/Text:“Hey there stranger, just thought of you yesterday at the bookstore. Have you read the unearthed Tolstoy novel? It’s grand. Hope you’re doing well. How’s work going? I’m so proud you’re working as an educator. Let’s talk soon!

Thee lines of warmth, friendship, culture and well-wishes.

Fact: Guy emails (we’ll call these he-mails) are ridiculously short in content, devoid of any feeling besides belligerence and are usually inappropriate for work. They’re like Bukowski poems: tough, terse economic use of lines and language. String a few of these he-mails together and you’ll feel like you’re working on the latest Norton Anthology of Poetry.

Sometimes you have to read he-mails several times to get their meaning. For example, the average he-mail consists of “dude”, “f*cking” and “bang”–the three most pliable words in the English language!

Here’s an example of a he-mail:

How turn this on?

SUBJECT: yo

Message/Text: DUDE, I can’t f-cking stand these idiots at work. I want to beat everyone of them. F-cking job. Write me back, bitch. Pats 17-10.

See the difference? In two lines you’ve got anger, misanthropy (is that a word? I think so), and the likelihood that your computer will be comfiscated for police investigation.

"Just let me type, honey. Ok? You just keep touching yourself."

Let’s quickly apply these definitions to real-life situations and topics.

Example #1

Femail: *sigh* I so want this to be a positive thing for women, but I honestly can’t stand the transparent manipulation by the GOP to trot her out now. And can you believe that her and McCain only met once? I can’t even work today.*

*femails always have some slightly over-dramatic statement

He-mail: “dude, did you see whoMcain pikced for VP? and they only met once. you know means–mccain must’ve f-cking hit that.”*

*It should be noted that he-mails are often sent in such a flurry of emotion that captialization, spelling, etc are routinely disregarded.

Example #2

Femail: Hey there, guy. I’m totally stressed this week! I’ve had so much work to do, it’s not even funny. How are things with you? Here’s a link to a Washington Post article that reminded me of your school.  Did you see Britney Spears on the VMAs last night??? She looks totally sane now! Write me back!”

He-mail: dude-eagles suk. i’m dropping mcnabb from my (fantasy) team. did you see spears on mtv? DAMN i can’t stop thinking about her and palin now. did you see palin last night on cnn? where were those girls when we were at (insert shared educational institution)??? me and cindy divorced. check this shit out–bear beating-off into a bowl of cheerios (link). if you open it at work, turn the sound down. 7hrs til happy hhour, bitch.

This one’s got it all: anger, sports, lust, heartbreak and bear masturbation. It’s like that unearthed Tolstoy novel. Note the random dropping of a really important life detail.

See how non-sensical the he-mails are? And those are just the ones I get to my work email. I play “employment Rouletter” every time I get one of these he-mails. That’s just how guys roll. It’s crazy, right?

I love emails.

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1 Comment

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One response to “He Said/She Said

  1. Kristin

    Not to mention we (femails) are more likely to send you your most prized emails…….FW’s!!!!!

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