Please read the following instructions carefully.
1. Roll back your chair.
2. Look at your feet.
3. Please select which of the following types of shoes you’re wearing right now (click links for clarification):
a) I am wearing casual shoes
b) I am wearing formal shoes
c) I am wearing outdoors shoes
4. Now look around you. Which of the following would BEST describe your CURRENT environment/surroundings?
a) “I am reading The Kids… from the comfort of my local cofeeshop. People are ordering coffees and lemon-flavored scones while wearing their iPods. I am out in the public.”
b) “I am reading The Kids… from the confines of my cubicle/office-space. All around me, people are openly talking on their cell-phones about Gossip Girls, fantasy football scores and lining up interviews for new jobs. Some are just at their desk crying. I am at work.”
c) “I am reading The Kids… outdoors on my iPhone. I’ve just finished spelunking/camping/hiking. Brown bears are currently mauling my partner’s face and genitals. I am living off of bison pee and honeycombs until help arrives. I am outdoors.”
5. Please select which of the following MOST CLOSELY matches what you’re wearing RIGHT NOW.
a) I am wearing casual wear.
b) I am wearing work/professional wear.
c) I am wearing outdoorswear/-like clothing.
Let’s review now.
After completing steps 1-2, if you answered “c” for question 3 and never for questions 4-5, the rest of this quiz summary applies to you, Please read. The rest of you can return to your tastefully-matched lives.
Let’s allow them a moment to leave, shall we?
Ok, fashion maven, it’s just you and The Kids… now.
Take a breath.
Take off your shoes.
No, really, take off your shoes.
You’re being detained for worrying the rest of us.
When we see people, like say, the “casual clothes” wearer, with their polos, jeans and sneakers or some equivalent combination, we think, “Now there’s someone I’d let put a baby in me after having a nice conversation at a wine bar”.
When we see the “professional clothes” wearer, with their smart-looking attire, clean-cut appearance, and take-charge air, we think, “Wow, they look like they’re going places and makin’ money along the way. I want to be on them, while they tell me about 401k’s and Fannie Mae.”
Now when we see the “casual clothes” or “professional clothes” wearer mix themselves up with outdoorsman shoes/sandals, we pause and are a little scared. In those situations, we think, “This mofo is about to drop a letter bomb off somewhere. I need to vacate this 20-mile radius”, or, “I bet their lunch-pail is full of raccoon meat and Odwalla bottles.”
You see the difference now? I mean, Lewis&Clark expeditions are great. But you know what’s better? Not riding the subway looking like you’re on the lookout for a good trout-fishing spot.