To date, the first “Oh, The Places You’ll Go” easily snags the most reads—the closest competitor, the “Elephant” post, is 17 hits behind it. You know what that tells me?
You people love to shit as much as I do.
So you gotta give the people what they want, right? And so, allow me to drop a deuce with the a new C.R.A.P. review:
“Oh, the Places You’ll Go” Pt. 2.
Actually, I should start assigning ‘Amber Alerts’ to gauge whether or not you should use these reviewed restrooms.
Let’s do that real quick (this is all stream of consciousness writing by the way):
The Kids….Presents ‘Assber Alerts’—A Guide to Dumping
Code Green: You’re ready to go, but in no rush. If you can think, “Man, it’d be nice to take a dump right now” and smile, you’re Code GREEN. That means you can stroll, chit-chat, or even jog (!) without much concern for muddying your reputation in public.
Code Yellow: Have you just passed gas and felt something ‘kick’? (you know what I mean) Glancing at your watch while someone talks to you (“it’s 1:55pm—I should’ve taken a shit 30mins ago”)? Find yourself getting agitated and irritable in petty situations? You’re Code YELLOW.
Code Orange: “Seriously, if I don’t get to the bathroom now I’m going to punch someone in the face. Seriously, pull over. This isn’t funny anymore.” Holding it so long your stomach turns cold? Yeah, you’re Code ORANGE.
Code Red: Unable to talk in complete sentences. Ass sweatin’ like it stole something. Wincing each time you take a step. All you think is, “God, please don’t let me shit on myself during this meeting”. Code Red means you don’t even have time to read this. Code Red means crack-head behavior like, “Out of my way you old b-tch!” and pushing your mom to the floor. It’s like your ass is going from Bruce Banner to The Hulk. You’ll apologize later, sure, but for now, you’re Code RED….
We clear now?
Let’s do this.
Barnes& Noble, on 18th and Walnut in downtown Philadelphia, has a ton of books, magazines and periodicals to read on their shelves. With so much reading material there, not to mention all the paper, it’s like my ass has arrived in Shangri-la. It’s like two little butt arms come out and rub their hands together in greedy anticipation of relieving constipation. But is Barnes& Noble a place you’ll want to bookmark for your booty? Read on, reader, read on….
“There’s nothin’ ‘Noble’ about Barnes& Noble”
Cleanliness: Sweet Christmas, where to begin? First tip that something was going to be amiss here: gender bathrooms. Men’s rooms are notoriously gross because guys are like monkeys; they’ll go/do anything a-n-y-w-h-e-r-e. And I’m convinced that no one cleans the men’s rooms because that’s reserved for employee punishment.
Like the manager says, “Harold, how many times do I have to tell you that Goosebumps doesn’t belong in the ‘Erotica’ section?? I should just fire you, but instead, you’re going to clean the restroom. The men’s restroom. Now get outta my sight you fuggin’ chode.”
In the main area where the urinals are, there’s piss-puddles on the wall, the floor, the sink—it’s like someone slipped on a banana peel while peeing. And the sink counters are constantly wet, just….just wet. I don’t get it, and really, it’s probably best that I don’t.
The stalls don’t fare much better here either.
I mean, the toilet looks like In the Time of E. Coli. The times that I’ve gone there, instead of pulling out an ass-bib to lay down, I just yanked the whole fuggin’ ass-bib dispenser and sat on that instead. Plus when I go to leave, I wrap my hands in so many paper towels I feel like I’m an investigator on CSI . +2
Remoteness: The B&N bathrooms are located on the 2nd floor of the store in a little nook and cranny near the “bargain books” and calendars section., so basically there’s nothing but shit over here. Since the only other people that are wandering on the floor are the café’ patrons (the café’ is located on the opposite side of the floor) and people trying to convince themselves that Dr. Phil’s autobiography is a steal at $5.99, you can walk in there without causing too much alarm. So it’s not bad, and especially great for the tormented asses that apparently go in there and desecrate the place. +6
Access: B&N bathrooms are wide open to the public. I’ve seen everyone from the homeless to grad students to businessmen go in there with absolute ease. It’s great for when you need to pinch a loaf in a pinch, but……well, I’m a B&N Member, and it’s times like these that I wish that that membership included exclusive access to the restrooms–I’ll give up my 10% off hard-covers if it means not sharing the bathroom.
Which highlights the biggest, most obvious drawback to ‘doing the Dew’ there: the “all merchandise must be left outside the restrooms” sign greeting you (along with a pair of bar-code sensors). I can’t even read in there!
This means you’re stuck reading the stall walls, which serves as a community kiosk of sorts, letting you know where are all the best places and people to see and what to do with them where. So it loses big time points for that, but if I’m ever single again, it’s good to know that “Tanya loves hard c0ck in her face”. “+6
Privacy: Uh, there’s essentially no privacy here. I think inmates have more privacy when they need to go. The stalls are claustrophobic and smell, plus they’re right next to the urinals. But, if you’re a shrewd shitter, you can opt for the handicap bathroom that’s got more leg-room and pushed further back. But, there might be someone sleeping in there. No, really. Still, you’re getting a chorus of farts, plops, tinkles and groans when you’re at the B&N. Next time I’ll just take a dump in the café’. At least I can take books there. +2
Total C.R.A.P. Score: 16
To summarize, Barnes & Noble is great for the mind, but bad for the booty.
Since this post ended up being so long (that’s what she said) I’ll post another review (Whole Foods) in a separate post soon.