Hollaback Girl

Lady of the night.

Hooker.

Whore.

She loves guys' bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Your mom.

All synonyms for “prostitute”. 

Over here in the Kensington section of North Philly near the school I work at, there are scores of these sweethearts skanking up and down the street morning, noon and night.

At least 2-3 mornings a week I’m greeted by these one when I descend the steps of Huntingdon Station off of the El Line.

Those who can, teach: Another TFA-dropout falls victim to the streets

It’s a parade of stares, severely chapped lips and poo-stained acid jeans. Everyone of them looks like a strung-out Gwen Stefani.

And they’re always wearing weird “sassy” too-tight t-shirts that say things like,

“I’m BOSSY!”

or

“My Boyfriend Doesn’t Need To Know”

or

“My Junk Tastes like Old Sour-Patch Kids”

(ok I made that one up).

And they all bobble around on rickety legs, scratching at their arms and stomachs with crazy bug-eyes–it’s like walking around a Christopher Lloyd convention.

Usually, if they say something to me, the comments are fairly lame and boring. It’s like they’ve all taken lines from the worst pick-up guy at the bar; you know, lots of, “Hey Honey, you know what time it is?”, “You got a girlfriend, handsome?” or “Cunny for a penny?”. And so on and so forth.

Once one of them even stopped  and flashed me after asking me what time it was.

Let’s re-enact.

The Kids….Theatre Presents:

KFC (Kensington Fried Crackhead) and Preppy Boy: A Play

( Skank): “You headed to work or somethin?”

The Colonel's Secret Recipe: herbs, spices and gonorrhea

(Me, nodding and nervous): “Yes ma’am”

(Skank): “Yeah? You got time for THESE??!!”

(lifts shirt to reveal prune-sized taters covered in baby powder. Read that again. Baby powder. They looked like two under-sized chicken breasts waiting for the deep fryer.)

(Me, shocked): “………….”

(Skank shakes torso back-and-forth swinging chest from side-to-side. No really.)

(Me, repulsed): “…………”

(Me, finally speaking): “Sold.”

Ok, no, but I did say, “See you at Back to School Night“.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Hollaback Girl

  1. Kristin

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! It’s all about the visuals here. Can’t beat the imagery (did I spell that right? Let me ask the skank…..)

  2. Gonzo..aka Laura

    I am with Wake reading your blog laughing hysterically…….Love them all

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