I’d Hit That

To celebrate The Kids Don’t Get It’s 1,000th (hit) Birthday, I thought now would be as good a time as ever to reach into the reader mailbag and answer a few questions sent to me over the last couple of weeks. Enjoy!

Question: Dear The Kids…, I love your blog. It’s great. Right after I check CNN.com, my gmail account and www.dirtykensingtonneighborhoodhoes.com, your blog is the next thing I check at work. Anyway, I was wondering; could you possibly take a crap at Delilah’s over in the Northern Liberties section of town? Thanks! –I. Bouchet, Philadelphia

Answer: (chuckling) Thank you, dear reader. I get requests like these a lot. Seems that after a couple of installments of the C.R.A.P. entries, I was quickly flooded with requests to churn a log in a host of interesting places. Let’s make something clear here, kids: C.R.A.P. is not a mission-oriented part of The Kids…. What I’ve shared was a result of times/places that I’ve had to dump while I’ve been out–I’m not taking requests. I’m not the turd version of Food &Wine–do you understand the work that would be involved in making myself shit at places just to review them?

I’d have to eat a bowl of cereal, maybe have a ham sandwich, and a bowl of lukewarm ice cream approximately 20-25 minutes before my desired destination. I’d essentially have to mapquest my own ass before I left the house to strategically get me to the desired place for review in time.  I’d be fat and dead before the New Year came at that rate.

Cat fight! The gray one is clearly embarrassed to get this ass-whupping caught on camera

Question: Dear The Kids…Your blog fuggin’ rocks, bro! Man, it is the funniest thing since Family Guy. I love coming here, broseph. Do you think that you could make a YouTube of your cats doin’ it? My mom just got an email account and I want to send it to her. Keep up the good work!–L. Garcias, Frederick, MD

Answer: Thanks, Garcias! We aim to please here at The Kids…Anyway, I’m afraid that with Maggie being 2 and Winehouse around 1 1/2, I wouldn’t feel comfortable recording kitty porn. However, I can direct you to this link, where you’ll hopefully be able to satisfy all your cat-banging needs.

Oh, and I’m sure you meant that as a compliment, but please refrain from mentioning this blog and Family Guy in the same sentence, We’re funny, Family Guy is not (more to come in a future post). Speaking of future posts….

Question: Dude, when the f*ck are you doing that Sam Jackson entry?–N. Ramirees, Columbia, MD

Answer: Don’t worry sir/madam; Sam Jackson’s coming soon–on your mom. (hi-5’s self)

Question: I’ve seen you use the word chode once or twice in your blog. Just what is a chode, exactly?–M. Blight, Philadelphia, PA

Answer: You’re a f-cking chode.

Question: I read your Style Quiz entry about long fingernails, and I’m offended. I do play the guitar, and my friends love me for it. I’m more talented than you and your stoopid blog. Ass. –B. Jakecobson, Philadelphia, PA

Westsiiiiide! Reader B. Jakecobson sends love.

Answer: (chuckling) You sir are a liar. This is a fake letter, unless you’re dictating this to someone else. Your fingernails wouldn’t make it possible for you to reach the keyboard. Back to the forest, Yogi.

Question: I’ll suck your c0ck for a bowl of lukewarm ice cream and a ham sandwich.–G. Stefani, under the El train, Huntington Station

Answer: Thanks, ho, but Tanya already beat you to it. Hollaback later, girl.

Question: Just wanted you to know that I’ve been on The Kids…since Day 1 and I’ve been passing it around ever since. Don’t stop!–F. Soyurr, Philadelphia, PA

Answer: That’s what she said!

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