Question: Dear The Kids…, I love your blog. It’s great. Right after I check CNN.com, my gmail account and www.dirtykensingtonneighborhoodhoes.com, your blog is the next thing I check at work. Anyway, I was wondering; could you possibly take a crap at Delilah’s over in the Northern Liberties section of town? Thanks! –I. Bouchet, Philadelphia
Answer: (chuckling) Thank you, dear reader. I get requests like these a lot. Seems that after a couple of installments of the C.R.A.P. entries, I was quickly flooded with requests to churn a log in a host of interesting places. Let’s make something clear here, kids: C.R.A.P. is not a mission-oriented part of The Kids…. What I’ve shared was a result of times/places that I’ve had to dump while I’ve been out–I’m not taking requests. I’m not the turd version of Food &Wine–do you understand the work that would be involved in making myself shit at places just to review them?
I’d have to eat a bowl of cereal, maybe have a ham sandwich, and a bowl of lukewarm ice cream approximately 20-25 minutes before my desired destination. I’d essentially have to mapquest my own ass before I left the house to strategically get me to the desired place for review in time. I’d be fat and dead before the New Year came at that rate.
Question: Dear The Kids…Your blog fuggin’ rocks, bro! Man, it is the funniest thing since Family Guy. I love coming here, broseph. Do you think that you could make a YouTube of your cats doin’ it? My mom just got an email account and I want to send it to her. Keep up the good work!–L. Garcias, Frederick, MD
Answer: Thanks, Garcias! We aim to please here at The Kids…Anyway, I’m afraid that with Maggie being 2 and Winehouse around 1 1/2, I wouldn’t feel comfortable recording kitty porn. However, I can direct you to this link, where you’ll hopefully be able to satisfy all your cat-banging needs.
Oh, and I’m sure you meant that as a compliment, but please refrain from mentioning this blog and Family Guy in the same sentence, We’re funny, Family Guy is not (more to come in a future post). Speaking of future posts….
Question: Dude, when the f*ck are you doing that Sam Jackson entry?–N. Ramirees, Columbia, MD
Answer: Don’t worry sir/madam; Sam Jackson’s coming soon–on your mom. (hi-5’s self)
Question: I’ve seen you use the word chode once or twice in your blog. Just what is a chode, exactly?–M. Blight, Philadelphia, PA
Answer: You’re a f-cking chode.
Question: I read your Style Quiz entry about long fingernails, and I’m offended. I do play the guitar, and my friends love me for it. I’m more talented than you and your stoopid blog. Ass. –B. Jakecobson, Philadelphia, PA
Answer: (chuckling) You sir are a liar. This is a fake letter, unless you’re dictating this to someone else. Your fingernails wouldn’t make it possible for you to reach the keyboard. Back to the forest, Yogi.
Question: I’ll suck your c0ck for a bowl of lukewarm ice cream and a ham sandwich.–G. Stefani, under the El train, Huntington Station
Answer: Thanks, ho, but Tanya already beat you to it. Hollaback later, girl.
Question: Just wanted you to know that I’ve been on The Kids…since Day 1 and I’ve been passing it around ever since. Don’t stop!–F. Soyurr, Philadelphia, PA
Answer: That’s what she said!