I vs. I

T.I.T.S. staff attempts to milk time travel for all it's worth. A bra-zen attempt at cutting-edge science.

So if you haven’t heard about it already, Google is celebrating its years of being the most reliable search engine for Britney Spears snatch pics, celebrity chodes and illegal music downloads. For a stretch of time, you could go into the Google way-back machine and revisit the internet circa 2001.

With a little creative tinkering from The Kids…Traveling In Time Station (or, T.I.T.S.), staffers were able to take advantage of 2001 Google and create a temporary portal to 2001 and allowed The Kids…to talk to myself in 2001. The transcript of that conversation is as follows:

(The Kids..2001, singing):”I don’t think you’re ready/for this jelly…I don’t think you’re ready/for this jelly…” (looks up, zips up pants) Oh my God, you’re me!….who are you?

(The Kids…2008): Come with me if you want to live. Kidding. I’m here from the year 2008 through the power of Google and T.I.T.S.

(The Kids…2001 puts down liquor bottle and rum-stained grading book): In 7 years titties will have the power to do that????

2001? Meet 2008.

(The Kids…2008): *Sigh* No, no, dude–look, don’t worry about that now. How are you doing? I remember this time. We’re teaching in Houston now, right?

(The Kids…2001): Yeah, and this sh!t f-cking sucks too. As a matter of fact, today one of my students, Jos-

(The Kids….2008, puts a hand up, cuts in): –‘Rosie’.  We have to call her ‘Rosie’–I’m sharing this conversation with my blog.

(The Kids…2001): A what? ‘Blog’? Is that a robot? Oh my god–I’m going to have a robot? Will it be a sexbot? I need a sexbot. Anyway, ‘Rosie’ asked me to spank her! Isn’t that crazy? Man that’s crazy.

(The Kids…2008): Yeah, well, we end up having kids with her, so it’s cool.

(The Kids…2001, staring in disbelief): We do? Oh my god, oh my god, does Mom flip-out? She does, doesn’t she? Does she threaten to kill me? She does, doesn’t she? Oh god, is that why you’re here? I just peed myself.

(The Kids…2008): No, no, calm down, fool. I’m kidding. What else is new? What are we doing today?

(The Kids….2001): Well, today after work we went and got Bridging the Gap after seeing the Black Eyed Peas in concert downtown. Man, those guys were so f-cking good live! They have a real back-pack, underground, B-boy feel to them. Are they still around in 2008?

(The Kids….2008): Yes, but they’re…well….you’ll see. (hears the radio playing in the background) Can you turn that off?

Both of the women in the picture suffer tragically in the years to come. Only one (?) can blame Tom Cruise

(The Kids….2001 gets up and turns off the radio): What, we don’t like N’ Synch really cool dignified critically-acclaimed band anymore in 2008? Does our music taste change a lot by then? Want to watch some TV? (turns on television)

(after watching a few episodes of The Jamie Foxx Show, Dawson’s Creek and Felicity)

(The Kids…2008): God, I forgot how much TV sucked during this time. Unfortunately, it’s not much better in 2008, either.

(The Kids…2001): Hey, does Seinfeld and the rest of those guys ever do anything again? Like a movie or a spinoff show or something? Those guys were always funny.

Michael Richards asks LA's Laugh Factory crowd, "Where're all my real n****s?!"

(The Kids…2008): Seinfeld does commercials, Julia L-D has a sitcom, Jason Alexander does anything that allows him to act like George, and Michael Richards tries his hand at stand-up. (Pause) That doesn’t go so well.

(The Kids….2001): Hm, ok. What about any cool new black comedians or anything? Like that Chappelle guy, or Bernie Mac–they still doing something.

(The Kids…2008): Chappelle has a hit show, freaks out Lauryn Hill-style, runs away to Africa, comes back to the States, disappears, basically. Bernie Mac is dead. Jamie Foxx should be dead, but still lives. (looks at watch) I should start getting back to my time, 2001-me.

(The Kids…2001): Wait, wait, there’s so much I want to know though! Like…like…am I still a teacher???(We both laugh. 20mins later….) Ok, but no, really….um, 2008….er, who’s POTUS?  Is it Cheney or Condoleeza?

(The Kids….2008): No, it’s Obama.

(The Kids….2001): THE TERRORIST??!!….After what he’s done this year? (Pause) Actually, I think I can live with that. I can’t stand Bush, and I hate Dick.

(The Kids….2008): That’s what she said.

(The Kids….2001): Who did? She who?

(The Kids….2008, beginning to fade away) It’ll all make sense in the future…..

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