So after a brief hiatus, The Kids…is back. Let’s all take a collective sigh of relief, huh?
How about another style quiz, eh?
Please read the following questions carefully and answer each one to the BEST of your ability. Choose one answer for each question.
1. I own a cell phone and I keep it:
a) in my pocket for discretion, humility and the general acknowledgement that most people nowadays have cell phones just like me
b) in my bag/purse/bookbag: my jeans are too tight to carry it anywhere else. Plus it ensures at least 40 seconds of “I Kissed A Girl” for others to hear while I fumble to get it.
c) in a specially-designed leather-/plastic- shell/pouch located squarely on my hip–it’s Step 1 towards looking like a Star Trek officer
d) at my mother’s house. I am in prison.
If you answered “a” or “b” to question #1, please stop here. If you answered “c” please proceed. If you answered “d”, please log off of The Kids and surf your favorite porn sites as you have limited email access. Thanks for your support though!
2. When my cell phone rings
a) my current favorite Top-40 tune comes on (Estelle, Lil Wayne, Rihanna, P!nk) comes on so that people are aware of my hipness and how in-touch I am with current melodies on the musicbox and internets
b) it is on vibrate as much as possible so it does not annoy friends/family members/sleeping lions at inopportune moments. Also, it sits in my front pocket near my junk to give me a constant arousal that sparks productivity and fantasies of recklessly pleasuring myself at work.
c) I pick up no matter what I am doing at the moment and proceed to talk about last weekend/night/episode of Gossip Girls or how I had someone cover my scrot in chocolate.
d) I press an earpiece on the side of my head and open the cell line. I then talk into space like a mental ward patient. People think that I am an asshat, but really, I am a member of The Borg.
If you answered “a” for #2, you may move on with your day. At worst, your biggest offense is being an obnoxious twit showcasing your inability to choose one of the 40 pre-set ringtones and instead opting for a ringtone (A-mili a-mili a-mili) that only 40,000,000 other people are using.
If you answered “c” to #2, hi Dad!
If you answered “d” to #2, you most likely also answered “c” in #1. If this is you, please put your phaser cell phone holster and earpiece on the ground.
Now, picture your foulest, most painful memory–like when the Tribbles overran your officer quarters, or the time that you used the phrase “you people” in front of Lt. Uhura*.
Now step on them. Do it again. Make sure that they are in pieces.
Now pee on them.
I mean really; you do realize that this is merely a cell phone fanny pack, right? And everyone knows how that fad turned out, right? Oh wait, not everyone huh? Those things make you look like some battery-charged dorkbot here to take us all back to the 80’s.
Take me to your leader, asshat!
*As a member of The Borg, you of course were referring to ‘humans’.