So, I was riding SEPTA on my way home the other day, when, two stops in, this guy hops on. He’s all sweaty and bug-eyed and keeps mumbling first slowly and lowly to himself, before exploding into a torrent of curses and shouts to everyone in the subway car. Most of the time I just pretended to be completely deaf to it all by listening to my iPod (thank you, Britney Spears!) but once or twice I considered reaching for my piece and peeing on myself.
Anyway, for the next 5mins I watched this guy sit on the car and yell and scratch and twitch. He just kept rubbing his body all over and spitting all over the place. It was like watching a frat boy study.
1. I need to start carpooling to work.
2. How the hell do crazy people do it?
And by ‘it’ I don’t mean sex–I always imagine crazy-people sex involves weird Eyes Wide Shut masks and frantic monkey-like humping. Oh, and someone’s in the corner giggling the whole time. Again, it’s like a frat house.
Anyway, what I really mean by ‘it’ I mean ‘life’. Like, how do these people get around when they can’t seem to keep coherent thoughts?
I saw an Asian woman on SEPTA once standing in the middle of the subway car, crying and fingering a black Ken doll–no, really, fingering the doll–she kept running her finger along the (naked) doll’s ass-crack and massaging the junk-less front of the doll with her thumb….it was like she was giving him the Mattel-toy shocker.
So I’m entranced watching her (I have a problem with staring at people) meaning that I’m also flexing my own ass-cheeks and unconciously patting at my crotch as I watch black-Ken get ‘serviced’ in front of everyone while this woman cries and mutters.
Well, at the next stop a businesswoman gets onto the subway car, and distractedly asks if anyone knows the best way to City Hall.
Well–BOOM–the asian crazy woman and ‘Happy Ending-Fun Black Ken’ stop fornicating long enough to answer, “Take the Broad Street Line to City Hall and take the 3rd staircase up. Cross at the light, City Hall’s right in front of you.”
Unbelievable. It was like watching ‘Awakenings’ in reverse.
She then resumed digitally sodomizing ‘S&M Safe Word-Fun Black Ken’.
I marveled at this and pondered what a day must look like when you’re crazy. I think it’s something like this:
1. Get up in the morning, shower in toilet, eat neighbor’s newspaper
2. Take dog for walk and then return dog to grandma’s grave
3. Write daily letter to Big Bird demanding that s/he stop masturbating in front of children because Sesame Place is a place for children like you and I to become more than what we are this is just like that time that I ate the cereal that they told me would make me feel happy but all I wanted to do was punch punch punch the Smurfs but my doctor told me that rashes like that won’t go away if you rub it a lot and that’s what’s wrong with people and this country of USA people don’t care but Obama is going to change all that by making us all Muslim and happy and that’s why I want him to beat the Monopoly Man I love you Big Bird please touch me
4. report to work; continue working on closing achievement gap
5. ride SEPTA, scare people, pee on three new seats, make love to my teddy ruxpin on subway pole