Uh, Awkward…

You know what I love saying almost as much as “that’s what she said”?


Don't worry, she was a total gentleman about it.

But not just, ‘awkward’ like, “Man, this stuttering chick with a mustache and snaggle-teeth is really awkward to talk to”, but awkward (meaning you say it in a higher-pitched voice) like, “Remember that stuttering chick with the mustache? Yeah, well I banged her. And it turned out that she was actually your mom. I was like awkward. Total freak.

So there you have it. Here’s some other awkward situations I’ve been in before, in no particular order:

1. ‘You’ve Got Mail’

(Friend): Hey just check your email on my computer

(The Kids…): You sure? Thanks, man

(Goes to computer and refreshes the screen, Goes to internet drop-down to find hotmail and sees extensive listing of porn sites. Nasty porn sites.)

(Friend): Everything cool? You get on ok?

(The Kids…): Uh, yeah, it’s all good. Thanks again.

(Friend): Great. Let’s go home. If I stay at this school a minute longer I’m going to scream. I’m sick of teaching.


Parental Advisory CD's hate black people

2. ‘Ride or Die’ 

Riding in the car with friends. Only black person in a car full of white people. ‘Goldigger’ comes on the radio. Everyone starts singing.


3. Recently, on ‘Friends’…

Talking with friends and someone’s girlfriend reveals that her nickname in college was ‘A-Train’ for awhile. News to all of us, including the boyfriend.


4.  Night at the Movies

(The Kids…): Hey Mom, I’m really glad that we decided to have a night in to hang out together. With me being away in college, I don’t get to see you too much.

(The Kids…mom): Me too, sweatheart. And, I thought it’d be fun if we watched a movie!

(The Kids…): Sure Mom, whatver you want. What’d you get?

Mom, go get me something to drink NOW

(The Kids…mom): Well, I don’t know much about movies, but I know you like thrillers, so I got this one. The video store person said it’s good.

(hands The Kids…a copy of Basic Instinct)




Filed under Uncategorized

4 responses to “Uh, Awkward…

  1. Why would you go through my email? Punk.

  2. trejohns

    That was YOUR email???


  3. Krisjohn82

    That’s what she said!!

  4. Glad you liked the STD site. You made my day by reminding me that mankind hasn’t let “bumping uglies” go the way of the dodo just yet.

    Anyhow, I believe the correct spelling you seek is more like aaAWWWK-wurrrd! Keep in mind, your tonal delivery must mirror the Doppler effect.

    For exampls.

    {ME} Oh hey, um, girl I just met at the bar. I see you and your friends are grabbing each other’s boobs, for shits and giggles. That’s sort of funny.

    {HER} Yeah, they’re touching my boobs. It’s okay. It’s just, they’re still really sore.

    {ME} Oh really? And why might that be?

    {HER} I just had surgery, like six days ago.

    {ME} For what?

    {HER} I had to get *this* tightened up.

    {ME} Why was that?

    {HER} I just had a baby six months ago.

    A beat.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s