What’s the sound of one junk ‘clapping?

Ok, so once before I posted an article about the shooting drill staged by a NJ school unbeknownst to the staff and student body. That was crazy, right?

This might be up there.

Check back after you’ve read the article. We’ll wait.



Couple of thoughts:

1. I like that the tagline is, “got unhappy STD news?”. I sat here and tried to think of “good” STD news, and the best that I could come up with was, “I’m pregnant” which in many circumstances might still qualify as “unhappy STD news”.

2. This line: “The site started in San Francisco and has spread to 10 cities such as New York and Chicago, Illinois”.* Really guys? Spreads? You asshats, you total asshats.

3. Why are you sending an e-card? You’re clearly not saving the money for condoms.

4. If someone has a “spam-blocker” enabled, they’re never getting this.

Still, as a writer myself, I am a firm believer in the power of words. And so, The Kids Don’t Get It (and let’s hope not in these situations) has decided to join this cause by designing STD cards to help the spread the word.

Card 1: Army of One

Sarge does the Walk of Shame

OUTSIDE OF CARD: Drill sergeant staring intensely at the center of his pants. Mouth is wide open, finger is pointing accusingly at the crotch. Shiny nametag reads, “S. Phyllis”. Comic-strip balloon says in bright lettering “WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, PRIVATE???!!!!” 

INSIDE OF CARD: In the center of the card it reads, “Have you been dishonorably discharging lately? It’s because Sgt. Phyllis and I are mad at you. Thought you might want to soldier up and get your nads checked.”

If a Monster O's in a forest and there's no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Card 2: Monsters’ Balls

OUTSIDE OF CARD: A roomful of blind-folded monsters stumbling and crashing into each other. There are various “OW”‘s and “OUCH”‘s above the crowd in explosive lettering.

INSIDE OF CARD: ‘Im sorry that we kept bumping uglies. You have gonorrhea. Boo.”

Hip-hop herpes: Can't stop, won't stop. More permanent than tattoos.

Card 3: Rump-shaker

OUTSIDE OF THE CARD: DJ is hunched over a turntable, naked from the waist-up. Headphones crooked between shoulder and head as he mixes a record.

INSIDE OF CARD: Upon opening the card, immediately greeted with the songs “OPP”, Al Green’s “Full of Fire” and Kia’s “My Neck, My Back” as the card asks:

“You down with OPP? Yeah, well you don’t know me!…and that’s why you’ve got herpes. Call me.”

I plan on releasing these next Wednesday online. What better day to release STD cards than on a “hump” day?



*Also, when referring to cities, is it really important to note “Chicago, Illinois”?


1 Comment

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One response to “What’s the sound of one junk ‘clapping?

  1. Pingback: The Kids….turns 120! « The Kids Don’t Get It: pop culture and stuff

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