Late to the Party #2: The i’s have it

Thanks to the iPhone and Blackberry, you'll be giving a lot of hand-Jobs too

When the iPhone came along everyone, and I mean everyone got in line to get one.

Before I knew it, I saw tons of people walking around town looking like PECO Energy meter-readers.

Those fuggin’ iPhones look stoopid.

I know that it’s all-in-one, easy-touch, small and light features are all the rave. I get it.

But it, along with the Blackberry, is killing my friendships.

iBerries scare me. They make people twitchy and OCD-like.

Like one time I met a friend for coffee to catch-up and chit chat about how awesome my blog is. Anyway, as soon as we sat down, she pulled out her iBerry* and quietly sat it on the table, clicking it on the side.

Having no idea what the fugg it was at first, I was like “Oh shit, this biznotch is going to fuggin’ record our conversation-she’s trying to Linda Tripp me.” I spent the rest of the time loudly farting in an attempt to muddle the recording as much as possible. Or so I told myself.

It wasn’t until later, when I asked for a copy of the tape, that she told me it was actually an iBerry.

Recently, I’ve been out to dinner with friends on a couple of different occassions and witnessed the control that the iBerry has on people. During one such encounter, a couple of us were debating something small (i.e. “Can Mickey Mouse teabag someone? He wears pants, so therefore…”) and couldn’t reach a consensus, so 4 people pulled out their iBerries to log onto the internets and settle the dispute.

He's actually checking his email.

Watching this was like being at a party and all of a sudden everyone around you pulls out coke and starts doing lines. It’s like, I don’t even know what to do in those situations.

Everyone is glazed over and they’re like, “hold on, hold on…it’s coming up…it’s almost there…it’s loading…it’s a little slow sometimes…” and I’m just like, “dude, stop Trippin’. Put that shit down. Just put it down.”

Must...touch...the Precious...iBerry...

And then they’re all like, “I know, I know, I gotta stop but really I just want to find this for you and I know that I use this too much but I needs it baby I just needs it it’s going to make this all better I swear look I’ll suck your d!ck for $5 and some wireless connection ok baby you know I’m good for it.”

And there you are watching your friend blow you while they try and find out who starred in the remake of The Poseidon Adventure on their iBerry. And they’re talking like Gollum.

So, I want to restart a D.A.R.E. program to help my friends. Who’s with me?

*The Kids will use this term to protect the identities of those discussed in this entry


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