“I kissed a girl and I liked it (sorta)”

Back when I taught in Houston there was a guy–we’ll call him “Rook”–that taught down the hall from me. Rook was small, pale, thin and limp–like one of those fey  Anne Rice vampires. He’d often wander in and out of my room at odd times, usually just standing there and staring at me. Eventually he’d retreat to his classroom, which was the home to an assortment of strange animals and objects. Sometimes I’d walk by and see him fingering these things-snakes, lizards, skulls, midget’s feet-with his long, reed-like fingers, giggling softly to himself.

Actually, maybe he was a vampire.

Anyway, one of the things that I remember about Rook is the time that he told me and another co-worker about a prank he’d played on one of his friends. Rook had a sister, and he and sister thought it’d be pretty fun to pretend that they were in an incestuous relationship together.

They’d go over to the friend’s house together, and Rook would sit his sister (who was close in age to him) on his lap, stroking her hair while they all talked. In return, she’d do things like rub his knee or pinch his nipples. They also called each other things like “lover” and “girlfriend”.

Pretty f-cking funny, right?

And by that I mean, it was really hard not to push the classroom’s “Office Security PANIC Button” after he told us the story.

Needless to say, Rook was laughing the entire time he told us the story, before calming walking away drinking a vial of puppy blood.

Anyway, the feelings that I had then–the incredible nausea, the dizziness, the almost painful non-movement in my genitals–wasn’t something that I hadn’t experienced since another limp, thin, pale fey vampire had pulled an equally gross sexual stunt.

 I am, of course, referring to Michael Jackson, who has also been at the forefront of a great many moments of staged sexuality.

It initially started with MJ and Paul McCartney’s Say Say Say, a music video “story” where MJ and McCartney chase after two women:

Linda McCartney (Paul’s wife at the time, ok, fine) and La Toya Jackson (MJ’s sister), which is more than a little gross, right?

I mean, there’s a fine line between nepotism and, “Hey, we both passed through the same woman’s cooter, therefore let’s pretend that we want to monster mash our uglies”. This video was so disturbing, you can’t even find an image of the video on Google.

Can you find the King of Pop in this picture?

Then there’s “The Way You Make Me Feel” which is apparently about masturbation, since MJ chases after a woman that, seriously, looks like she could be his stunt double.  Also appearing in that video? La Toya Jackson.

After that, there was “Remember the Time” which might best be called, “remember when Iman, Magic Johnson and Eddie Murphy meant something to your life?”.

This video, which is a cross between Aladdin and The Mummy Returns features MJ chasing after then supermodel Iman (this guy really digs girls) . After first wooing her in front of her pharoah husband Eddie Murphy (who would, years later, be caught in a car with MJ), and then climbing into her bedroom, constantly asking her “do you remember the time?”  which must mean, “do you remember the time that you told me you dig chicks with d!cks? ’cause here I am!”) and then cornering her on her balcony and giving her the kind of kiss you only see with necrophiliacs.

After tiring of inspiring Bollywood with his music videos, MJ settled down and married Lisa Marie Presley since he couldn’t marry her father. This relationship was best encapsulated by the video “You Are Not Alone”–though I’d imagine anyone that chose to marry Michael Jackson at that point would find themselves very, very alone. Besides making out in the video, it also features a buck-naked MJ, whose body I think was the skeleton for the movie I, Robot.

MJ and Lisa Marie also appeared on the MTV Awards around that time to “prove” that they were really in love by sharing a stage(d) kiss that looked about the same as when you watch white people kiss monkeys on Animal Planet or The Tonight Show.

Come with me, Lisa Marie, resistance is futile

I’ll let you decide who’s who in that situation. I, on the other hand, will go throw-up now.

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