“Holy Polls, Batman!”

I’ve been asked several times why The Kids… doesn’t do more political stuff/commentary. Quite frankly, most of it comes down to two reasons:

1. People should come to The Kids….for laughs, not political punditing

2. Both candidates are a joke on varying levels anyway so I don’t think there’s much need for The Kids…to toss its hat into the ring. We’ll leave that stuff to SNL, home of, “oh, you like it? Let’s run it into the ground then” and their 10,000,000 skits devoted to Palin. That SNL; they’re so “hip with it”.

*ahem*

Anyway, there’s a number of people out there that still haven’t made up their minds, apparently. So, in a one-off to service the public (TWSS?), I turned to the person that I always turn to when the chips are down:

Superman. Oh, and friends.

They are the shining examples that we all aspire to, so perhaps looking at how they’re most likely voting will help some undecided voters out. Let’s take a look, eh?

Superman:

Born to two obviously Pro-choice birth parents Jor-El and Lara. Becomes the world’s most famous immigrant after being raised by devoutly American Earth parents, Joseph Jonathan and Mary Martha Kent.

You're in good hands with Supes

On a farm.

In Kansas.

He’s also afraid of colored things (in his case, green rocks from Krypton), believes strongly in Truth, Justice and the American way and leads a double life unbeknownst to the woman that he loves (like Larry Craig).

Superman is obviously Republican.

Batman:

After losing his parents to a shooting, rich boy Bruce Wayne becomes reclusive freak, spending years in his mansion with his “man servant” Alfred and dressing in all-black at night.

Soon, the two of them adopt a young boy/”ward” (appropriately named “Dick”) and introduces Dick to his “dark (k)night lifestyle” where, in addition to Bruce/Batman’s leather threads, mandates that his little Dick wear a cape and underwear as they jaunt from rooftop to rooftop at night fighting crime in the mean streets of Gotham.

All Batman needed was a little Dick in his life-who knew?

Strong sense love of fashion (utility belts) and gadgets (the phallic-shaped Batmobile, assortment of ropes, acids and pills).

Fights crime in the inner-city territory, and has weird “daddy” issues with the city’s police commisioner.

Batman is most likely Democrat.

p.s. Bruce and Alfred’s “two older men and young child” premise also inspired the sitcoms Two and a Half Men and My Two Dads.

Wonder Woman:

Raised on an island of women (Amazon) to be a super-strong, ass-kicking Feminist in a stripper’s outfit.

Ready and willing to tie men up with her “Lasso of Truth”, which, coupled with her underwear and bra, oddly makes men willing to say, or do, anything. 

Proudly sports her symbolic “freedom of man-enslavement” bracelets.

Wonder Woman riding her Invisible Unicycle

Wears American flag-inspired pattern as part of her costume, but seems as if it’s done “ironically” (it’s her bottoms).

Rides invisible “green” hybrid jet.

Wonder Woman is most likely (a lesbian dominatrix) but also, Democrat.

And there you have it.

Even amongst the superhero community, it would appear that the Dems have a sizable lead in winning the election.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to ““Holy Polls, Batman!”

  1. Tom

    Actually, Superman, created during the New Deal era, seems to represent the rallying of overarching power for the little man.

    Batman, the bitter pull-it-up-by-your-own-bootstraps self-made-man-and-blue-blood-CEO, is more likely the Republican.

    Green Arrow — duh.

    Green Lantern — Obamacan.

    Martian Manhunter — Latino vote.

    Flash — Youth vote.

    Wonder Woman — Hillary voters for Obama (but the rest of her island is for McCain).

  2. Green Lantern and Green Arrow are clearly card-carrying members of the Green Party. So is the Hulk, if anyone’s keeping score.

    The Flash can run so fast he travels through time. Uh, duh, he’s obviously a Libertarian. Plus, he’s got that skintight red unitard that Bob Barr loves so much.

  3. trejohns

    Martian Manhunter is the Latino vote?
    Flash a Libertarian?

    Hulk would obviously be Republican. I daresay McCane (heh) is The Hulk himself–that low-simmering rage is just waiting to explode all over the place.

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