Dirty Cover-ups


Trust me, it's worse coming out

I have a rotten stomach today.

I mean rotten.


No more for you, Gizmo

I feel like I visited the Asian shopkeeper from Gremlins and now I’ve got a Mogwai crawling in my ass that I’ve just fed it after dark.

I feel like my two gay cats are mud-wrestling in my stomach.

And the sound? Ugh; it’s like someone shuffling playing cards in butter.

I was in a meeting this afternoon, and while everyone pondered a profound question that I asked, my ass decided to offer a suggestion first through a series of bloops. With quiet horror, everyone looked at my stomach like we were in Aliens.


In space, no one can hear you "bloop". In meetings, though? Everyone!

I hate those situations–I mean really; what’s the best way to cover-up your body making booty boombox sounds? I’ve tried the following:

1. Coughing whenever the sound seems imminent. Good for providing some static noise, but bad because everyone thinks you smoke killah weed all the time instead

2. Humming suddenly. Great for melodic background noise, bad if you start humming, say, “Get Me Bodied” and then someone’s like, “oh shit–that’s my jam” and then they get up and want to dry hump you and then they’re jiggling your stomach around and you’re awkwardly grinding back and then–splat!–you’ve shit yourself.

3. Laughing. It makes you look deranged and unbalanced.

4. “Ok, seriously? STFU. I’m totally about to pudding myself. We gotta end this meaning. Like ahora. Wait…..forget it.”

5. Suddenly turning to the person next to me and saying as I rub my stomach, “You’re the father”

These are all great for one-shot escapes, but I need something more…pliable.

Help me, Obi-Wan.

I’m up shit’s creek without a paddle.


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