My tender ‘roni

So, the last couple of days The Kids…had been home alone as the better half was away on business. It was the first time in awhile that I had the entire place to myself.

That night I made a Boboli pepperoni pizza with the plan of eating 1/2 for dinner and 1/2 for lunch tomorrow. But man, when that pizza came out at 8pm, and I took that first bite…it was like the episode Seinfeld when Elaine eats some of that cake in the office.

hulk_banner

The effects of 1 man vs 1 Boboli pizza

I felt like Bruce Banner when he’s hit with the gamma bomb; I stumbled around the apartment, crashing into shit, falling onto the couch, and seriously, it was like I was on shrooms.

With 1/2 the pizza gone, as I went to wrap up the other 1/2, one slice looked up at me and said, “Come on now, baby; I thought we were just getting this party started?”

“No Boboli; I’m saving you for lunch tomorrow”

(Boboli, looking hurt) “You ain’t having a good time?”

“Well, I, I mean yeah but–”

“–I think the sauce on your face says you’re having a good time”

“…you’re right, Boboli….Batdamn-you, you’re right….”

“Look shutup. Come over here. That’s right…that’s right….just nibble and let loose…nibble and let loose…”

Soon, I was dancing and prancing around….by 8:15 the pizza was gone. All of it.

I don’t know how many of you have ever done this before–in college, we’d do that weekly during one summer thanks to a promotion from Dominoes–but it feels pretty fucking gross.

Homeless in brand new Dr. Martens boots

This is "Cletus the James Sir Esquire IV" and he does body shots

I came to at12am, exhausted and ready for bed, so I slipped into a t-shirt, shorts and my girlfriend’s thong, turned out the light and proceeded to sleep.

Well, not too long. There was a knock on my door at about 1am. It was the police.

Apparently, I blacked out, but according to the police, the following happened:

  • Drunk-dialed Mom (“Is yur refridgerader is fucking, I mean *vomit*)
  • Threw kick-ass party with neighborhood hipsters (turns out they were homeless people. I think.)
  • Dressed-up in girlfriend’s clothing; flashed neighbors neighbors three times (Calls of “there’s a woman with hairy bear tits” flooded the switchboard for two hours
  • Made the latest “Yes We Can (Ride this Campaign For All It’s Worth)” video with Will.i.am.

Needless to say, I was embarrassed. I tried to explain that it wasn’t me, it was Boboli, but as I tried to talk, one of the leftover crusts whispered from the kitchen, “Snitches get stitches”.

Plus, I still had a thong on.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “My tender ‘roni

  1. Lucian

    During my lazy, non-working period, I cooked up some hamburger help one night… that’s pound of beef plus macaroni and sauce. The plan was, like yours, dinner then lunch the next day. I polished that thing off in 20 minutes. I felt ashamed yet slightly proud.

  2. Joe

    I didn’t know that you weren’t supposed to eat it all at once. Maybe that’s why I’ve spent the last year working off 40 pounds….dagger.

  3. trejohns

    I shat it all out in 30mins or less

  4. Ruh

    A tear rolled down my eye when you brought up our weekly Dominoes binges in college. I think thinking about it just clogged my arteries…and I have to use the bathroom.

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