Black Holes

As I was typing the latest edition of C.R.A.P. it occurred to me that sci-fi’s two flagship series–Star Trek and Star Wars–have some serious race issues. I mean, what’s it say when these sci-fi utopias all revolve around a world virtually devoid of black people? I mean really, what the f-ck happens between now and the 2063 (Star Trek’s stated time frame)??? Have you noticed this?

Dear Batman, does Obama just really f-ck this shit up for us or something?

Let’s take a look, shall we?

What we learn from Star Trek:

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The USS Amistad: Give us, us beam!

Gene Roddenberry’s Star Trek takes place in the year 2063 and beyond. The plot of Star Trek is that this is the year that humans perfect the technology to “warp” which in average Joe speak essentially means traveling at the speed of light–apparently fast enough to strip pigment from everyone’s skin. Needless to say, they warp all the time in Star Trek.

The entire make-up of The Enterprise (the spaceship the crew travels in) is a joke, too. The cast consists of Kirk, Spock, Scotty, Checkov, Sulu, Dr. McCoy and Uhura. This means that amazingly, at this point in the future, you can find a gay Asian engineer (as helmsman, Sulu is The Enterprise’s driver, shocker) and most bizarrely, a black woman “Communications Officer” with the last name “Uhura”, which I think is Swahili for “token”. I mean shit, they even found a white man (Dr. McCoy) named “Bones”! I mean really; Dr. Bones? That’s a pimp’s name. Or at least a rapper.

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The stress of 22nd-century living does horrors to a brother's face

As a matter of fact, the obvious black substitutes in the future are the Klingons. These war-mongering, pack-traveling , brothers speak their own language (Klingon, which is like space ebonics) and English. As a matter of fact, in their first appearance on Star Trek, the first time the crew makes contact with one, his opening greeting was, no lie, “What-up, n****a?”

If you listen hard enough, you can even hear Roddenberry and co. laughing hysterically backstage.

What we learn from Star Wars:

lando

The Ladies' Man: me, you, some Courvessier, and the Millenium Falcon, baby

Star Wars might be even worse than Star Trek. First of all, SW takes place in some weird alternate reality–the kind where even the Dark Side doesn’t have a ‘dark side’. And the one black that does make an appearance has the outfit of a 3-Musketeer, the hairdo of Al Sharpton, goes by the name “Lando” and used to be a space pirate, meaning he loves booty –all of which I think makes him the SW galaxy’s only black porn star. No surprise that his old ride was a ship called the ‘Millenium Falcon’ joining the illustrious list of other number-themed black properties like Colt .45, Dr. Dre 2001 and of course, Andre 3000.

But if you look a little closer, there’s some more ‘black magic’ at work. Luke Skywalker, the story’s main protagonist, is raised on a barren, scorching earth desert planet known as Tatooine. This planet has multiple suns, no shade and tons of sand everywhere, yet Luke’s as white as a Stormtrooper. You know who isn’t though? The guys who’ve been gentrified to the far side of the planet–the Sandmen and the Jawas. While Luke gets to live the sweet life in a low-rent bubble-house right outside the city, the Jawas and the Sandmen are forced to make due with some of the whackest accommodations on the planet.

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Jawas: criminally-discriminated against, but too high to really care.

I mean the fucking Jawas drive this over-sized, tricked-out Cadillac, picking up trash and androids to recycle down in the city. They’re so under-fed they can’t even grow more than two-feet, meaning they can’t even get a basketball scholarship to Tatooine State, forced instead to drive around in that hoopty and smoke weed all day (hence they’re glowing little eyes). They’re living the Tatooine Dream, Dr. Dre-style. If you’ve been to D.C., New Orleans and Houston, you know what I mean.

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Vader shows Luke the Brother Handshake to prove he's "down for the brown"

And then there’s the Sandmen, who are just plain pissed all the time. Hey, you would be too if you were kicked out to Tatooine’s version of Ward 9. All they do is stand around on in their hoods, tossing shit at passing cars and stuff. You know something’s up about them, because early on in the movie, when someone mentions having to go through their hood possibly, Obi-Wan and Luke both look at each other and say, “Oh hell no, we’ve seen The Wire; those mofos are crazy.” It’s not too long after that that Obi-Wan thinks it’s time to give Luke a lightsaber.

Unsurprisingly, once Luke starts blowing-up in the Jedi and Rebellion ranks, who comes crawling out of hiding but Darth Vader, Luke’s black daddy. The poor boy attempts to kill himself rather than face the reality that his daddy was James Earl Jones.

And as he dropped through the long series of shafts in Cloud City, who was there at the bottom to save him?

Lando Calrissian.

But I bet he was looking for some booty.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Black Holes

  1. Joe

    What you fail to mention about Star Wars is the fact that Luke was involved in a love triangle with his f’n sister. So even in a different galaxy, white people are involved in some Springer type shit.

    And all the white folk in Star Trek are uptight, whiny, and nerdy.

    What’s up with that?

  2. trejohns

    To be fair, Luke grew up in essentially a trailer. I mean, you can’t really be that surprised.

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