Monthly Archives: December 2008

Late to the Party #3: Look under your chairs–it’s Oprah!

So, I’m watching TV at home a few months ago, and a commercial for Oprah’s show comes on TV.

It says, “I have a secret to tell you… that I’ve been hiding for years…..Stedman and I have two girls……”

She’s like a black Ellen DeGeneres!

And the screen lightens to show Oprah and her two dogs mud wrestling together in the kitchen or some shit–I don’t remember.

All I know is that there were three bitches in Oprah’s kitchen/lawn whatever.

And that the show was about how Oprah can sympathize with her audience because she “knows what it’s like to be a working mom raising two kids at home”.

Can you believe that??? Only OprahFuckingWinfrey could get away with such an asinine idea for a show topic. 

This lady’s a tramp

And then they turn over to the actual episode where they show Oprah, (who really starting to resemble that whore Cocker Spaniel from Lady and the Tramp) talking to her audience about “how hard it is” (twss). It was totally bizarre. And these people were eating it up.

As a matter of fact, a survey was taken of smart, independent thinking audiences, and here’s where Oprah’s follwers ranked:

79. Infomercial audiences

80. White Supremacy meetings

81. NPR listeners

82. Oprah Winfrey show audience (tie)

82. Zombies (tie)

83. Mega-Church goers

Sad, isn’t it?

Anyway, this is how Oprah works. She dismantles reasoning and rationality and spoon feeds it to her audience who laps it all up like Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange.

“Oprah”: A Million Little Pieces….of your brain

Crazy shit that Oprah has done:

1. Took on the meat industry, which is funny, since I hear she rarely takes on meat (looks from Stedman to Gayle).

2. Visited a poor village somewhere in Africa, where, amid starvation, AIDS, man-eating lions and Dave Chappelle, she decided that the thing that the village girls needed most was……baby dolls.

In typical Oprah style, she presented the dolls by saying, “As a matter of fact, everyone lift up your mud-hut sleeping mats–” (girls lift up mats) “–you’ve got PUNK ROCK BARBIE DOLLLSSSSSS!!!” (Oprah shaking her hair and a commemorative spear to the sky).

Less offensive gifts Oprah could’ve given:

–cases of 5o Cent’s “Vitamin Water”


–free 2-night stay at Hotel Rwanda

3.  Oprah’s “Legend’s Ball” which is ridiculous or its pure affrontery of putting Alice Walker (author, The Color Purple) and Toni Morrison (author, Beloved) in the same room with Halle Berry (famous for being crazy, banging Billy Bob for an Oscar and showing her titties to Hugh Jackman) and Tyra Banks (blog-worthy shitshow talk show; Miss Jay).

And then there’s Oprah’s ridiculous calvalcade of guest stars on her show, ranging in diversity from Tom Cruise to John Travolta. Oh wait, no, that’s not fair, she’s also had Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes, Rachel Ray and Maya Angelou’s corpse on there, too.

“Everyone look under their chairs……..I’ve taken your BRAAIIINNNS!”

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Gangsta’s Paradise

Why the Greek gods were the original hip-hop stars:

  • Because Mt. Olympus is like being on a rap video set: lots of barely dressed people drinking and banging each other.
    On the set of "Big Pimpin'"
    On the set of “Big Pimpin'”

  • Because Zeus’ demands were like episodes of Diddy’s Making the Band. They even toy with people too–sending guys like Perseus on random ass assignments.

(Zeus): So Perseus, you want to prove you love Mt. Olympus?

(Perseus): Oh, most definitely, Almighty Zeus.

Medusa can make you hard just by looking at her


(Z-Bolty): Actually, don’t just take care of her. I want you to go there, cut her head off, put it in a sack and bring it back to me here at Mt. Olympus. Oh, and you need to be back in hour.

  • Because Medusa and Fergie look are both stone-cold snake-whores.
  • Because the Greek Gods can’t just have a horse, their horse has to have wings on it, son.
    Fergie’s a descendant of Medusa. You can see it in her face.
  • Because Hercules drinks Vitamin Water

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SNL’s Skeet, er, Skit

Just thought that I’d share this with people in case you haven’t seen it already. Um, turn down the volume if you’re at work.

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So, this was one of my favorite articles sent to me this past week.

In case you don’t feel like reading it (I know Americans and their reading habits), it’s about a 911 call placed by a man saying that he accidentally shot his wife during sex.

Granted, everyone’s gun has gone off unexpectedly once or twice before. I mean, for some guys, it just happens, right?

But, assuming this guy was telling the truth, why is there a gun handy when you’re getting down and dirty?

As a matter of fact, these are the only people I think would have a gun nearby when they’re doing it:


"Get your hands off me, you damn dirty tramp!"

1. Charlton Heston: Because he doesn’t like to cuddle afterwards.


One killer night in bed.

2. OJ Simpson: Because you can’t do it the same way twice.



3. Robocop: Because he only shoots his load for just causes.

4. The Lone Ranger: “You be Tonto”.

"Who was that masked man?"

"Who was that masked man?"

I also wonder how that even happens. I mean, what’s the foreplay for this sort of couple? Russian Roulette? Grenades?

There are certain things you could be conceivably reaching for when you’re about to “seal the deal” (I’ll spare us all a list).

But can you imagine someone being like “hold on, hold on–I gotta reload”. And you’re like, “um, ok, yeah…ok, ok, I don’t know what that means, but right now? I can dig it. I can totally dig it.” And then they’re like, “Hold this. Carefully. The last girl got shot in the face.”

And sure, there’s probably a series of appropriate ways to get all ‘post-coital’ with it, but who relaxes and says, “Wow babe, that was great. Now I’m gonna pop a cap in your ass so everyone knows you’re mine.”

Talk about pistol-whipped.

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When I was younger, I used to love talking through the back of a spinning fan. You ever do that? You talk through it and your voice ripples like water and comes out all warbly. It’s a pretty cool sound. I always sounded like a senile old robot. I’d say all sorts of fun things into the fan, like (phonetically recreated for your enjoyment):

Iiiii’ve been eaaatingggg out of my bed paaaaannn agaiiinnn

heerrppeeesss…. I have heeerrrpppeeeesss”

“Chiiina……this fan was made in Chiiinnaa”

and so on and so forth. I spent many a summer afternoon entertaining myself this way until my mom got home and unchained me from the radiator.

Lil' Kim tries Auto-tune for the first time

Lil' Kim tries Auto-tune for the first time

But now that same effect has wormed its way into the music world over the last few years, thanks to the (heavier) employment of the use of Auto-tune.

Not sure where you’ve heard it? Uh, like everywhere.

It’s what T-Pain uses to croon about being in love with your mom (“I’m in luv with a Stripper”)……what Britney uses to sing about her kids, crack and flashing her “Minnie Mouse” all over Hollywood…..and now Kanye West has thrown his tongue into the fan.

Professor Xavier prepares to race Professor Hawking

Professor Xavier prepares to race Professor Hawking

Kanye’s new album, 808 & Heartbreaks (which I love and think you should listen

Harder, faster, Auto-tuner

Kanye West: Harder, faster, Auto-tuner

to) is done entirely in Auto-tune, thus cementing that he too has joined Britney, T-Pain, Akon and Aqua to create a group that I like to call The S-Men. Similar to The X-Men, they’re a bunch of freaks noted for their weird, outcast standing.


"To me, my S-Men"

And while the X-Men are lead by a brainy cripple by the name of Charles Xavier (part of the convenience of being called the X-Men, get it?) I think the S-Men leader is also a brainy  cripple: Stephen Hawking.

I mean really, he’s got the voice.

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P T&A Meeting

So, I read this article this morning.

By all means, read it and do come back. We’ll wait.



Ok, that shit’s pretty crazy, right? I mean really, who throws a party for their kids and then says, “Man, you know what this party’s missing, boys? A birthday orgy.”

"Daaad, Mom's up front giving 'birthday BJ's' again"

"Daaad, Mom's up front giving 'birthday BJ's' again"

I mean it’s really got to suck to be Honeycutt Jr., doesn’t it? Like, I watch Super Sweet 16 on MTV, and those kids are always crying about how Mom and Dad are ‘ruining’ their party because the Benz they got was a month old and only had Diddy tied-up in the trunk when they wanted Kanye.

But man, when your Mom’s like, “I’m tired of watching you boys play X-Box–let’s have a head party in this piece”, and then starts going to town on the kid that you only invited because his mom gives you (car) rides to school everyday? That’s decent reason to call ‘foul’.

And how does it happen, really?

Is it one of those scenes where the kids race to the kitchen after a sweaty ball game, and Honeycutt Jr goes, “What do you guys want to drink? We’ve got Coke, grape stuff, or Sunny D”.

"Oh you won't find the good stuff there, boys..."

(From behind them): "Oh you won't find the good stuff there, boys..."

And the guys are all like, “Sunny D!”, but then the mom kicks the fridge door closed and says, “Sure, you can have Sunny D, or…..who wants ‘Tang??!!” and lifts her apron and shakes her stuff at the boys (and perhaps shakes her own ‘Sunny D’s’).

I also love that her mom instincts kick in and she showers with the boys, going from Cherry 2000 to Lever 2000 on these boys.

"I'm worried that you boys aren't men yet. You're 12 for Christ's sake"

"I'm worried that you boys aren't men yet. You're 12 for Christ's sake"

So what happens now? Does this make “your mom” jokes more relevant to Honeycutt Jr.?

And it’s like the Super Sweet 16 kids–how do you top this year’s party???


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21 Gram(mys)

So, the nominations for the 51st Grammy Awards were released the other day. Yay. And, not so surprising, Lil’ Wayne tops the list of nominees with 8 nominations, as the Grammys hop on board this black train that’s taken the country by storm of late.

Also getting a ton of nominations are Jay-Z, Ne-Yo and Kanye, bringing this year’s Grammy’s another step closer to becoming the BET Awards.

But, like all awards shows, the Grammys always provides some neat water-cooler moment each year–last year it was Amy Winhehouse’s via satellite performance. Everyone applauded that one the same way people applaud cripples taking their first step.

So what will it be this year? I’m taking a look in my crystal ball and taking some guesses…..

The Kids….Presents: The 51st Grammy’s Biggest Water-Cooler Moments That Will Most Definitely Happen

Grammy Gold #1: Natalie Cole wins an award:

When Natalie Cole wins the award for ‘Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album’ for Still Unforgettable and she walks on stage holding Nat King Cole’s rotting head like Perseus (played by Harry Hamlin) in Clash of the Titans. She will then begin to

"This one's for us (again), Daddy!"

"This one's for us (again), Daddy!"

sing ‘Pink Cadillaca capella with the head. If you have HD-tv, you’ll be able to make out the coke rings around her nostrils.

Grammy Gold #2: The ‘Best Rap Solo Performance’

For the inevitable, “wait those are my lines” confusion, just so I can (hopefully) hear presenters Amy Grant and Chris Brown have the following exchange:

(Chris): Wow, this year was a hot year for hip-hop, huh?

(Amy): I think you’re reading my lines…uh, yeah, no doubt. No doubt, this year was….bananas?

(Chris): What did you like the most this year, Chris?

(Amy, nodding awkwardly): I don’t know, I mean between ‘Tha Carter III’ and Jay-Z’s return to the game to….. lay the smack down on all these fake-ass n!ggas trying to claim the throne…….it’s been really something stupendous.

…these aren’t my lines.

(Chris nods, continues): ….and the nominees are: Jay-Z….’Roc Boys’

(Amy): ..Lil’ Wayne, ‘A Mili’

(Chris): Lupe Fiasco, ‘Paris, Tokyo’

(Amy): Oh God…..oh God…uh, Nas…’N—er (Slave and Master)’…please, someone fix this….

p.s. I love how the awards shows always have a ‘black ambassador’ on stage for awards like this, with a white presenter. It’s the black is there so when the artist wins the award, they can whisper to their white co-presenter “Just follow my lead” so they can see the appropriate greeting used. ‘Cause you don’t congratulate Patti LaBelle the same way you would Ludacris.

Grammy Gold #3: Kid Rock


Kid Rock tries to throw the 'WB' sign

When Kid Rock beats out Metallica and Cold Play in a surprise win, he’ll walk on stage, smoking a cigarette (because he’s so rebellious, see?) and says, “Thanks y’all for this award. Best ‘Rock Album’. Wow. I mean, wow. To think, I started as a rap-rock act that built a decent black hip-hop-ish following and building my success on the backs of that fanbase before whoring myself to the masses by becoming a ‘rock’, ‘rock-country’ act. Actually, you know what? I want to share this award with the WB, I mean, the CW, too. We shocked the world guys! Rock-and-roll and Gossip Girls forever!

Grammy Gold #4: Lil’ Wayne’s acceptance speech:

When Lil’ Wayne wins Album of the Year, after winning I’m guessing at least 3 other awards (they’ll reward him for selling a jazillion CD’s this year), Wayne, known for his incomprehensible bantering, will most likely make a speech like this:

(Lil’ Wayne takes the stage and accepts his award, with T-Pain (who’s wearing a diamond-encrusted swan for a hat and and t-shirt that says “I’D Skeet-Skeet On Sarah Palin“) and yanks up his pants several times before clearing his raspy rat -voice and says the following)


Lil' Wayne shows the mantle reserved for his Grammy Awards

“Aha. Aha. Looks like we did it New Orleans. Aha. They, they said that it wouldn’t be possible for this to, aha, happen, see? But this award, this award……this award is for the people because you see, the Grammy’s don’t believe in the people like, aha, Lil’ Wayne believes in the people. ‘Cause when them levees broke? Aha, y’all weren’t there thinking of Lil’ Wayne, y’all were thinking of Amy Winehouse and now look at her. Aha. I want to make love to Amy, ya dig? I want to make love to her. To her feets. To her heroin tracks. But for real though y’all, I’ma melt this Grammy down and add it to my teeth so I can have it forever. Thank you God.”

Or something like that.

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Pole Position


"I, know a girl, she puts the color, inside of my world...."

I must admit, I get really skeeved at the idea of strip clubs. I do. I honestly do. They’re all dark and sticky and smell like South Street store lotions.

I don’t want anyone to see that I’m going inside anywhere with the word “den”, “cave”, “garden” (this includes The Olive Garden), or “cage” in its business title. As a matter of fact, every time I’ve gone, I felt like I should’ve worn one of those fancy banquet masks that rich people use to do each other at tea(bag) parties. Actually, I’m a fan of everyone going inside wearing one of these.

It’s amazing too, because inside, no matter what the song, all the guys are totally into the strippers. No matter what. It’s amazing. Whether they’re on the poles, serving drinks or giving herpes-laced lap dances, guys are sold sold sold.

Maybe it’s just because I’m pretty into music myself, but I’m never able to take myself out of ‘the zone’ enough to not consider the selections.

So what songs would take a guy out of it? I think these are worth a shot.


"I will be your father figure/put your tiny hand in mine"

1. Daughters, John Mayer

2. A Boy Named Sue, Johnny Cash

3. Butterfly Kisses, Bob Carlisle

4. Strange Fruit, Billie Holiday

5. Dirty, Christina Aguilera

6. I Know I Can, Nas (it’s the one with the little kids)

7. Cocaine Blues, Johnny Cash

8. Easy Skanking, Bob Marley & The Walers

9. Father Figure, George Michael

10. Let’s Get Married, Al Green

11. Limp, Fiona Apple

12. Lonely Stranger, Eric Clapton

13. Man in the Mirror, Michael Jackson

14. My Body is A Cage, The Arcade Fire

15. Smells Like Funk, Black Eyed Peas


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Broke-back Mountain

Man, you know what feeling I hate? Being broke. I hate it. I mean, being broke weighs on your mind. It’s like head diarrhea; it just constantly runs through you.


Being broke humbles the normalest (yes, normalest) men and women. Being broke just changes a person.

As a matter of fact, on a normal day, you can be like this:


"Hello World. I've got money. I'm having Starbucks and lobster today."

…but as soon as you realize you’re broke, you turn into this:


"Ahh! We'll suckss your preciouss for subway tokennsess"

The change is virtually instantaneous.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but when I’m broke, the dark place my mind can go to sometimes is astonishing.

There have been times that I’ve been walking down the street broke, and someone will smile at me, and I’ll smile back and think to myself, “I’m going to rob you now”.

Back when I was teaching and I was broke (all the time) I kept a tip cup next to my desk, and whenever a kid came over and woke me up, I’d first point to the cup and then to my head and say, “no clinky, no thinky”. It worked until I was made principal.

Other ways I’ve worked around being broke:

1. Whole Foods samples

2. cat food

3. donating plasma, and when I ran out, starting donating my own

4. ditto from #2, at sperm banks (DON’T ASK)

5. dancing on the street (though most people think I’m just shooting some sort of rap video and will therefore join me in dancing. Bad for money, great for making new friends)

I would suggest employing only one of these strategies, though, as each one presents obvious drawbacks.

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Toni Awards

Tonight at the Free Library downtown here in Philadelphia, world-renowned writer/novelist Toni Morrison is making an appearance. The Free Library does these types of events a lot, with the past guest writers including Jhumpa Lahiri, Micheal Eric Dyson, and, even cooler, Barack Obama back when he was pimping his book The Audacity of Hope.

I even met him in the hallway for a moment after the Q&A with the audience who, more than once, expressed the hope that he’d run for office then. All I said to him? “Please don’t get your ass shot”.

Anyway, Morrison’s appearance tonight is an equally big deal for the literary world, so I’ve been hard at work coming up with some questions that I’m hoping will be asked, or I’ll get to ask, tonight. I share these with you now:


"Oh Denise, here's your chance to MAKE IT....IF you focus on your goals."

1. “Aren’t you the dorm mom from A Different World? ”


The Oprah Hillbillies

2. “Which was more surprising for you about Oprah’s Legends ball: the fact that she considered both you and Dionne “Psychic Friends Network” Warwick to be “legends”, or that Oprah is in fact a whore?”

3. “What did you use when you created the Underground Railroad?”


You know it 'Feels Good'

4. “When is Toni Toni Tone getting back together?”

5. “Did you ever appear on Sesame Street, and if you did, after you did the skit with The Count, were you hanging out backstage after the show with The Count, Ernie and Snuffleupagus drinking So Co and doing body shots and Ernie was like, “let’s get these human hands out of our asses and get nekked” and the three of you go into one of the trailers and The Count’s like, ‘Eye vant to doo 3 x twinty-vee!” and then you’re all like, “no I have to finish The Color Purple” but then Snuffle’ takes his big ol’ trunk out and the next thing you know, you’re giving birth to Whoopi Goldberg? Oh, and I loved Diary of a Mad Black Woman.”


Fact #1: After her Sesame Street tryst, Toni recommended that Maya Angelou also visit the set. Fact #2: Maya Angelou and Toni Morrison are the same person.

6. “Be honest: when you were writing Beloved, you really saw Oprah playing the role that eventually went to Danny Glover, right?”

7. “So, when you wrote I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings….oh? Ok; when you wrote How Stella Got Her Groove Back, were you really sleeping with Taye Diggs at the time? Pardon? Oh, I see….who are you then? ”

It should be a good night, I think.


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