Toni Awards

Tonight at the Free Library downtown here in Philadelphia, world-renowned writer/novelist Toni Morrison is making an appearance. The Free Library does these types of events a lot, with the past guest writers including Jhumpa Lahiri, Micheal Eric Dyson, and, even cooler, Barack Obama back when he was pimping his book The Audacity of Hope.

I even met him in the hallway for a moment after the Q&A with the audience who, more than once, expressed the hope that he’d run for office then. All I said to him? “Please don’t get your ass shot”.

Anyway, Morrison’s appearance tonight is an equally big deal for the literary world, so I’ve been hard at work coming up with some questions that I’m hoping will be asked, or I’ll get to ask, tonight. I share these with you now:


"Oh Denise, here's your chance to MAKE IT....IF you focus on your goals."

1. “Aren’t you the dorm mom from A Different World? ”


The Oprah Hillbillies

2. “Which was more surprising for you about Oprah’s Legends ball: the fact that she considered both you and Dionne “Psychic Friends Network” Warwick to be “legends”, or that Oprah is in fact a whore?”

3. “What did you use when you created the Underground Railroad?”


You know it 'Feels Good'

4. “When is Toni Toni Tone getting back together?”

5. “Did you ever appear on Sesame Street, and if you did, after you did the skit with The Count, were you hanging out backstage after the show with The Count, Ernie and Snuffleupagus drinking So Co and doing body shots and Ernie was like, “let’s get these human hands out of our asses and get nekked” and the three of you go into one of the trailers and The Count’s like, ‘Eye vant to doo 3 x twinty-vee!” and then you’re all like, “no I have to finish The Color Purple” but then Snuffle’ takes his big ol’ trunk out and the next thing you know, you’re giving birth to Whoopi Goldberg? Oh, and I loved Diary of a Mad Black Woman.”


Fact #1: After her Sesame Street tryst, Toni recommended that Maya Angelou also visit the set. Fact #2: Maya Angelou and Toni Morrison are the same person.

6. “Be honest: when you were writing Beloved, you really saw Oprah playing the role that eventually went to Danny Glover, right?”

7. “So, when you wrote I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings….oh? Ok; when you wrote How Stella Got Her Groove Back, were you really sleeping with Taye Diggs at the time? Pardon? Oh, I see….who are you then? ”

It should be a good night, I think.



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2 responses to “Toni Awards

  1. Grids

    That’s what she said, Ernie.

  2. trejohns

    Heh. That Ernie–such a horn-dog!

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