Broke-back Mountain

Man, you know what feeling I hate? Being broke. I hate it. I mean, being broke weighs on your mind. It’s like head diarrhea; it just constantly runs through you.

brokebrokebrokebrokebrokebrokebroke

Being broke humbles the normalest (yes, normalest) men and women. Being broke just changes a person.

As a matter of fact, on a normal day, you can be like this:

guy

"Hello World. I've got money. I'm having Starbucks and lobster today."

…but as soon as you realize you’re broke, you turn into this:

smeagol

"Ahh! We'll suckss your preciouss for subway tokennsess"

The change is virtually instantaneous.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but when I’m broke, the dark place my mind can go to sometimes is astonishing.

There have been times that I’ve been walking down the street broke, and someone will smile at me, and I’ll smile back and think to myself, “I’m going to rob you now”.

Back when I was teaching and I was broke (all the time) I kept a tip cup next to my desk, and whenever a kid came over and woke me up, I’d first point to the cup and then to my head and say, “no clinky, no thinky”. It worked until I was made principal.

Other ways I’ve worked around being broke:

1. Whole Foods samples

2. cat food

3. donating plasma, and when I ran out, starting donating my own

4. ditto from #2, at sperm banks (DON’T ASK)

5. dancing on the street (though most people think I’m just shooting some sort of rap video and will therefore join me in dancing. Bad for money, great for making new friends)

I would suggest employing only one of these strategies, though, as each one presents obvious drawbacks.

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