21 Gram(mys)

So, the nominations for the 51st Grammy Awards were released the other day. Yay. And, not so surprising, Lil’ Wayne tops the list of nominees with 8 nominations, as the Grammys hop on board this black train that’s taken the country by storm of late.

Also getting a ton of nominations are Jay-Z, Ne-Yo and Kanye, bringing this year’s Grammy’s another step closer to becoming the BET Awards.

But, like all awards shows, the Grammys always provides some neat water-cooler moment each year–last year it was Amy Winhehouse’s via satellite performance. Everyone applauded that one the same way people applaud cripples taking their first step.

So what will it be this year? I’m taking a look in my crystal ball and taking some guesses…..

The Kids….Presents: The 51st Grammy’s Biggest Water-Cooler Moments That Will Most Definitely Happen

Grammy Gold #1: Natalie Cole wins an award:

When Natalie Cole wins the award for ‘Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album’ for Still Unforgettable and she walks on stage holding Nat King Cole’s rotting head like Perseus (played by Harry Hamlin) in Clash of the Titans. She will then begin to

"This one's for us (again), Daddy!"

"This one's for us (again), Daddy!"

sing ‘Pink Cadillaca capella with the head. If you have HD-tv, you’ll be able to make out the coke rings around her nostrils.

Grammy Gold #2: The ‘Best Rap Solo Performance’

For the inevitable, “wait those are my lines” confusion, just so I can (hopefully) hear presenters Amy Grant and Chris Brown have the following exchange:

(Chris): Wow, this year was a hot year for hip-hop, huh?

(Amy): I think you’re reading my lines…uh, yeah, no doubt. No doubt, this year was….bananas?

(Chris): What did you like the most this year, Chris?

(Amy, nodding awkwardly): I don’t know, I mean between ‘Tha Carter III’ and Jay-Z’s return to the game to….. lay the smack down on all these fake-ass n!ggas trying to claim the throne…….it’s been really something stupendous.

…these aren’t my lines.

(Chris nods, continues): ….and the nominees are: Jay-Z….’Roc Boys’

(Amy): ..Lil’ Wayne, ‘A Mili’

(Chris): Lupe Fiasco, ‘Paris, Tokyo’

(Amy): Oh God…..oh God…uh, Nas…’N—er (Slave and Master)’…please, someone fix this….

p.s. I love how the awards shows always have a ‘black ambassador’ on stage for awards like this, with a white presenter. It’s the black is there so when the artist wins the award, they can whisper to their white co-presenter “Just follow my lead” so they can see the appropriate greeting used. ‘Cause you don’t congratulate Patti LaBelle the same way you would Ludacris.

Grammy Gold #3: Kid Rock


Kid Rock tries to throw the 'WB' sign

When Kid Rock beats out Metallica and Cold Play in a surprise win, he’ll walk on stage, smoking a cigarette (because he’s so rebellious, see?) and says, “Thanks y’all for this award. Best ‘Rock Album’. Wow. I mean, wow. To think, I started as a rap-rock act that built a decent black hip-hop-ish following and building my success on the backs of that fanbase before whoring myself to the masses by becoming a ‘rock’, ‘rock-country’ act. Actually, you know what? I want to share this award with the WB, I mean, the CW, too. We shocked the world guys! Rock-and-roll and Gossip Girls forever!

Grammy Gold #4: Lil’ Wayne’s acceptance speech:

When Lil’ Wayne wins Album of the Year, after winning I’m guessing at least 3 other awards (they’ll reward him for selling a jazillion CD’s this year), Wayne, known for his incomprehensible bantering, will most likely make a speech like this:

(Lil’ Wayne takes the stage and accepts his award, with T-Pain (who’s wearing a diamond-encrusted swan for a hat and and t-shirt that says “I’D Skeet-Skeet On Sarah Palin“) and yanks up his pants several times before clearing his raspy rat -voice and says the following)


Lil' Wayne shows the mantle reserved for his Grammy Awards

“Aha. Aha. Looks like we did it New Orleans. Aha. They, they said that it wouldn’t be possible for this to, aha, happen, see? But this award, this award……this award is for the people because you see, the Grammy’s don’t believe in the people like, aha, Lil’ Wayne believes in the people. ‘Cause when them levees broke? Aha, y’all weren’t there thinking of Lil’ Wayne, y’all were thinking of Amy Winehouse and now look at her. Aha. I want to make love to Amy, ya dig? I want to make love to her. To her feets. To her heroin tracks. But for real though y’all, I’ma melt this Grammy down and add it to my teeth so I can have it forever. Thank you God.”

Or something like that.


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