Late to the Party #3: Look under your chairs–it’s Oprah!

So, I’m watching TV at home a few months ago, and a commercial for Oprah’s show comes on TV.

It says, “I have a secret to tell you… that I’ve been hiding for years…..Stedman and I have two girls……”

She’s like a black Ellen DeGeneres!

And the screen lightens to show Oprah and her two dogs mud wrestling together in the kitchen or some shit–I don’t remember.

All I know is that there were three bitches in Oprah’s kitchen/lawn whatever.

And that the show was about how Oprah can sympathize with her audience because she “knows what it’s like to be a working mom raising two kids at home”.

Can you believe that??? Only OprahFuckingWinfrey could get away with such an asinine idea for a show topic. 

This lady’s a tramp

And then they turn over to the actual episode where they show Oprah, (who really starting to resemble that whore Cocker Spaniel from Lady and the Tramp) talking to her audience about “how hard it is” (twss). It was totally bizarre. And these people were eating it up.

As a matter of fact, a survey was taken of smart, independent thinking audiences, and here’s where Oprah’s follwers ranked:

79. Infomercial audiences

80. White Supremacy meetings

81. NPR listeners

82. Oprah Winfrey show audience (tie)

82. Zombies (tie)

83. Mega-Church goers

Sad, isn’t it?

Anyway, this is how Oprah works. She dismantles reasoning and rationality and spoon feeds it to her audience who laps it all up like Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange.

“Oprah”: A Million Little Pieces….of your brain

Crazy shit that Oprah has done:

1. Took on the meat industry, which is funny, since I hear she rarely takes on meat (looks from Stedman to Gayle).

2. Visited a poor village somewhere in Africa, where, amid starvation, AIDS, man-eating lions and Dave Chappelle, she decided that the thing that the village girls needed most was……baby dolls.

In typical Oprah style, she presented the dolls by saying, “As a matter of fact, everyone lift up your mud-hut sleeping mats–” (girls lift up mats) “–you’ve got PUNK ROCK BARBIE DOLLLSSSSSS!!!” (Oprah shaking her hair and a commemorative spear to the sky).

Less offensive gifts Oprah could’ve given:

–cases of 5o Cent’s “Vitamin Water”


–free 2-night stay at Hotel Rwanda

3.  Oprah’s “Legend’s Ball” which is ridiculous or its pure affrontery of putting Alice Walker (author, The Color Purple) and Toni Morrison (author, Beloved) in the same room with Halle Berry (famous for being crazy, banging Billy Bob for an Oscar and showing her titties to Hugh Jackman) and Tyra Banks (blog-worthy shitshow talk show; Miss Jay).

And then there’s Oprah’s ridiculous calvalcade of guest stars on her show, ranging in diversity from Tom Cruise to John Travolta. Oh wait, no, that’s not fair, she’s also had Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes, Rachel Ray and Maya Angelou’s corpse on there, too.

“Everyone look under their chairs……..I’ve taken your BRAAIIINNNS!”


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