Monthly Archives: January 2009

Old Lang(uage) Signs

There’s only two times I celebrate balls dropping: puberty and New Year’s.

And I’ve celebrated both late.

So, even though it’s now 20+ days after the fact, I thought now was as good a time as any to share some ideas on how we can all make 2009 shine.

For example, on my end, The Kids…. is now going to retire, “TWSS”.

I know, I know, we’re all going to miss it.

Sure, it was a real gutbuster sometimes (twss) and it’s going to be hard to leave it alone now (twss) and sometimes I’m going to want it again (twss), but it’s best from here on that it remains untouched (twss).

I mean, what’s change and improvement without sacrifice, right?

peeps

Take time and read this one over with your peeps.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “But The Kids…I’m only one person, what can I do?”. Nothing really, because you probably spend most of your time reading this blog, surfing the “Casual Encounters” section on Craigslist and selling stolen goods on Ebay.

So let’s propose that you all out there help me re-shape the cultural lexicon in reverse. That is, instead of introducing new language, let’s get rid of some shit that’s had its fun in the sun.

new-super-mario-bros

The only bro for me.

The following things need to be removed for the better good:

–“peeps”. Like, “Hey peeps, anyone want to go out and grab some ice cream with Biden?”. Peeps are marshmallow chicken-shaped Easter candies and $.25 titty shows in the back of adult stores, not your friends. At least, no friend of mine.

–“bro”. I think I’ve talked about this before somewhere. As in, “What’s happenin’ bro? You seen the latest Ultimate Fighting match?”.  “Bro” is a term best used only for the classic Seinfeld episode and now, Bromance, Brody Jenner’s show on MTV. You don’t want to be a member of either one.

old-guy-cat-300

"So I was steppin' out with this cat the other night, when...."

–“cats”. Like, “Yeah, I know him bro. He and his peeps are cool cats”.  I have cats. Two of them, actually. They are affectionate, playful and gay. My cats also lick themselves, run around with dingleberries and sleep in the tub.  At best, if you want to be un-PC, they could be girls (I guess).

But they aren’t people, they aren’t hip.

And neither is anyone who uses it.

Any of these, actually.

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IT’S BIDEN TIME!

Like many of you, I was sure happy to see Will Smith Barack Obama take the office a week ago. It was, in a word, prettyfuckingawesome.

Anyway, the sad reality is though, that B.O. (I like calling him “B.O.”) isn’t going to provide us with much humor or entertainment as a public official.

B.O.’s going to be more like your corny parent/principal when it comes to humor; you know that “cute” kind of humor that’s as bland, inoffensive, but effective as self-adhesive envelopes.

biden-bama

"YOU WANNA FUCK WITH BARACKY? WELL, YOU GOTTA GE THROUGH ME FIRST, SISSIES!"

But there’s a bright light in his cabinet.

Joe Biden.

I love Joe Biden. I really do.

I mean, what’s there not to like about this guy? He was created for laughter and merriment.

ysguns2

"I'M VP. LET'S KILL RABBITS FIRST, THEN AL QUEDA! SISSIES!"

Joe Biden is awesome because he’s the perfect amalgamation of J.R. Ewing (from 80’s Dallas), Yosemite Sam (from Looney Tunes) and the Kool Aid Man (from Super Fresh).

That’s a winning combination right there, folks.

Have you seen him in action? He’s always the loudest, smiling-est, rootin-est, tootin-est hombre in the room.

As he strode out to the seating stage to take the oath, he was the only one that seemed genuinely ecstatic to be there.

burns

Fmr. President Carter gingerly makes his way down the game tunnel.

While B.O. looked like he’d just sharted himself, and Bill C. look like he’d just had tiresome “hate sex” with Hillary C., Joe looked ready to run down the  “game tunnel” (that’s what I called the corridor they all walked down during the inauguration) and sack the nearest colleague.

I mean even our other beloved, clueless, vapid politician, Jimmy Carter, looked like he’d been injected with that goo that Mr. Burns got in that one episode of The Simpsons.

kool-1

"MEETING ADJOURNED!"

But Joe? Joe looked like he’d done something Vice Presidential already. As he stepped out onto the oath stage, he raised his arms to the sky and said, “I JUST (he only talks loud) TOOK A DUMP IN THE GAME TUNNEL AND CONDOLEEZY IS CLEANING. THIS JOB IS AWESOME! WHO WANTS KOOL AID??!”

biden-thumb

At the Oscars: Biden lets Christian Bale know that Best Actor and Best Picture are "in the bag".

He’s like the uncle that’s always upbeat no matter what the situation: weddings, funerals, holiday gatherings, bail hearings.

That’s what he is, actually: Uncle Joe.

Uncle Joe keeps a flask in Jill’s hair.

Uncle Joe’s going to play Guitar Hero during Oval Office meetings (“YOU WANT RESULTS?? TRY GETTING 95% ON “THROUGH THE FIRE AND THE FLAMES”, RAHM, YOU ASSHAT. THEN WE CAN TALK. ASSHAT. WHO WANTS KOOL AID???!”)

Uncle Joe will have people “taken down. Hard” for not voting The Dark Knight for Best Picture, not for 2009, but EVER.

bidenicecreamtsr

Woman laughs nervously as Biden snatches her ice cream: "DRINK MORE KOOL AID, FATTY", VP urges

Uncle Joe’s going to leave a series of busted “Kool Aid Man” walls all over D.C. It’ll be the way he enters and exits all meetings.

So, yes, this one was historic. One for the ages, really. It’s Biden time, folks. Strap in, and get ready for the ride, sissies.

Just wait til you see his “stimulus” plan!

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To Infinity….and Beyonce’!

beyonce

Beyonce pauses to send a shout-out to former Destiny's Child members

Enough with the Beyonce’ lovefest. And I mean that in the “stop” way, not in the J. Lo Enough way.

First, she has that annoying-ass song “Ring On It”, which, accomplishes the double-feat of being not only the World’s Most Probable and Annoying Ringtone but also Song Most Likely Cited For Inciting Murder.

I also think that the song is a bit dated; “if you liked her you should’ve put a ring on it”?

I think nowadays it’s more like, “if you liked her you should’ve put a baby in her”, but then “Baby In Her” doesn’t look as good on iTunes charts.

But really, after she spent years devouring each new member of Destiny’s Child, thus making her loud-singing powers stronger, Beyonce’ went on to usurp the position of every pop-culture black woman before her:

sad-woman-and-child

"Bat-damn you and that song, Beyonce' "

-Pam Grier: CONSUMED by Beyonce’ after she starred in Austin Powers: Love Guru Goldmember

-Whitney Houston: CONSUMED by Beyonce’ by stealing an entire album’s worth of Whitney life/content: only Whitney could have material called ‘Dangerously In Love’ with singles like ‘Crazy in Love’ , ‘Naughty Girl’ and ‘Me, Myself and I’.

And then, instead of marrying a coke-head user, she instead marries the crack dealer that sold the Hous-Browns (Whitney/Bobby) crack.

beyonce-powers

(Beyonce): "George Bush loves Black people! And I'm a WHOLE LOTTA WOMAN!"

Awesome.

-Etta James: CONSUMED by Beyonce’. Little known fact that it was Etta, not Beyonce’, who was originally slated to serenade the Huxtables Obamas for their first dance.

Want another ‘coincidence’? Beyonce’ played Etta James in the movie you shouldn’t bother seeing, Cadillac Records, now playing in a Netflix near you.

destiny-child

Democrats, let me Degrade U

As a matter of fact, at one point Beyonce’ sat on Barack’s lap and said “bet that old bitch couldn’t do it like this” and then lapdanced him as she segued into “Bills, Bills, Bills”.

Though I’m guessing that this performance was still better than when she and the Beyoncettes Destiny’s Child performed for Bush.

Might be good for some of you to think about the next time you’re wanting to get yourself ‘bodied’. Clearly, “to the left, to the left” has nothing to do with her politics.

So yeah, Beyonce’ is awesome.

Maybe we’ll be lucky and Jay-Z’ll put a baby in her.

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The Burning Bush

If you watched/witnessed the change of power on Tuesday morning, you saw the torment that the day put our lil’ cowboy through.

bush-bama

After all, it’s not often that a black guy moves into a white guy’s house. It’s like reverse-gentrification–fitting for a city that’s done the same to brownies the last 15 years.

mumra

Cheney takes one last stroll out of the White House

Anyway, Bush was MIA for much of the initial proceedings. I learned that while the new POTUS is getting sworn in, the old one has the morning to get their shit out of the house.

But, in his haste, Dubya left behind a couple of things that the Obamas will add to the list of “Shit We’ve Got to Clean Up After 8 Years of Bush-shit”.

So, what did the Obamas find left behind?

Take a look:

  • “Bob Marley getting high” poster left on Oval Office wall

    bob_marley_000

    No Woman, No Rice

  • In the Presidential Desk, several old, worn copies of “Perfect 10” in a folder labeled “Financial Crisis Plan”
  • a Snuggie
  • Garbage Pail Kids collection

In some of the other rooms, they also found items belonging to the other Bush Buddies, like:

  • the remains of Condoleeza’s human husk
  • Dick Cheney’s Mumra-like coffin
  • a jar of Powell’s “Amazing Skin-Lightening Cream”
  • Laura Bush’s batteries

Bush looked absolutely steamed to have to finally move out of the Big House on Tuesday.

I just imagine the last night he threw a big ol’ Texas-sized kegger in the White House, just straight wrecking the place, telling people, “Don’t worry about this joint; I’m not gettin’ the deposit back on this shit” and then puking on one of those “Teddy Roosevelt-Era” rugs or something.

Using the red phone to order Dominoes pizza.

Watching Condoleeza and Laura Bush make out in the Press Room (Cheney’s taping it).

Shining his nuts on the ball-buffer in the White House Bowling Alley.

And shaking an angry fist at Lincoln’s picture, sputtering, “this is all your fault, Nixon” and then passing out.

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Something’s A Foot

So we’ve already discussed the Snuggie here on The Kids… and so, I’m starting to think that the next category that I should add is “Buy Me!” to this blog’s repetoire of reports, because man, I’ve found more goodies to get your loved ones.

Let’s get some science jargon out of the way first. Feet. You have feet, I have feet–as a matter of fact, the only people I’m aware of that don’t have feet is this skinny blue-tooth-wearing-Asian guy over here in Kensington (he walks on sawed-off Reebok sneaker nubs and it creeps me the f-ck out) and Lt. Dan from Forrest Gump.

That’s it. Everyone else, feet.

So, with that in mind, if you’re ever in a rut and can’t figure out what to give someone for their birthday/bah mitzvah/bridal shower/anniversary The Kids….would like to suggest purchasing the Ped Egg.

pedegg2

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...."

The Ped Egg is simultaneously the most disgusting and the most comical product I’ve seen yet on an infomercial. The Ped Egg removes the rough, calloused skin on the bottom of your feet, giving your dogs baby-soft smoothness (Ped Egg’s claim, not mine).

But here’s the suh-weet aspect of the Ped Egg–this small hand-shaped product also collects all of your dead-skin shavings in a “special storage compartment” apparently so when you rigorously file your feet your face doesn’t look like you just left 7th period “Wood Shop Class”.

proudfoot

You know what they say about a hobbit with big feet....

I totally get that people get some rough, calloused feet that need to be properly planed from time to time. I called Ped Egg and asked who would best stand to benefit from their product. Based on my conversation, I gathered that the Ped Egg is best for the following people:

1. Hobbits

2. Firewalkers

3. Smurfs

4. Hippies, or other awkwardly-often-publicly-barefoot white people you know

"A Ped Egg! A Ped Egg! My kingdom for a Ped Egg!"

"A Ped Egg! A Ped Egg! My kingdom for a Ped Egg!"

That’s it. Anyone other than that, I would suggest amputation.

Should you go ahead and purchase it for someone not on the above approved list, I would suggest helping them determine the best place to keep their Ped Egg.

Such as:

1. on the dinner table

2. next to Tic-Tacs

3. on the mantle next to grandparent/aunt/uncle/parent ashes

4. close to your deodorant

5. near your cordless phone

And lastly, despite it’s portable-ness (is that a word? that’s a word now at least), the Ped Egg should not be used in or at the following:

1. Subway cars

2. book club

ped_egg-girls

"Lana I want (scrapescrapescrape) to talk about your (scrapescrapescrape) drinking problem..."

3. spectator sports games

4. interventions

Having your friend/loved one/smurf follow these guidelines and they’ll be walking on Easy Street!

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The Kids…wants you to watch ‘The Batch o’ Whores’

bachelor-group

The Divine Craziness of the Ga-Ga Sisterhood

So, besides The Real World, The Real World: Gauntlet series and Made (more on that in a later post; y’know, like my Sam Jackson one) I have another guilty-pleasure reality TV show: The Bachelor (and sometimes The Bachelorette).

The Bachelor is an accelerated, 6-week delusional program bound to either be a smashing success or a crushing, crushing failure like Teach for America!.

bachlette

"I believe that sometimes love just finds you when you least expect it. And sometimes you have to follow love to work and make him love you."

Anyway, I can’t turn my head away from this show. You know how people always describe things as being like a train wreck? Well, to me watching The Bachelor is like watching a train wreck, only in this train wreck there’s people crawling out of the wreckage. And they’re on fire. And they’re naked. And one of them’s Paris Hilton. It’s just that irresistible for me.

the-bachelor

"With a little love and a lot of regret, I think we can make this 3-some work."

In particular, the women that they get on this show never cease to amaze me. It’s not just because they’re hot; it’s much more so because they’re crazy.

For further information to substantiate the hypothesis that “only crazy biznotches go on The Bachelor“, on a recent tour of ABC studios, I managed to steal an application of one of the accepted The Bachelor contestramps. I share with you the following:

Application for ‘The Bachelor’ Season 8

Instructions: Please complete the following application answering all questions in complete sentences. Urine samples will be collected at the end of the session.

1. First Name: Karyn Last Name: I’d rather not say for legal reasons

2. Age: ‘legal’ 😉

3. Occupation: teacher, but I have dreams of being a wife

4. Education: self-taught; I don’t deal well with crowds, reading

5. Hometown: where the heart is

6. Current Town: parent’s house

7. Sex: M_x__ F_x__ Other__x_ I am socially bi-sexual, privately desperate for any human affection

8. Have you been in a relationship before? Please describe your past relationships in 2-3 sentences:

Ok, so this last guy, Brad was like totally an asshole. He told me that I was getting too old to still be living with my parents. I mean, I thought he was the perfect guy for me because he made money and understood that I must have my doll Ms. Butterbottoms with me at ALL TIMES because she understands me but he was all like “I think we need to get you some help” and I was like BITCH I LEFT ALL MY FRIENDS FOR YOU and he just didn’t want to hear me out about it and my family was getting really worried because my dad says that I am a princess and princesses deserve only the best, only the best so Brad and I divorced and I want to join the show because I want to find real love now. He was in jail anyway. I also go down on the first meeting.

9. How would your best friends describe you? Easy; bi-curious, ‘issue-y’

10.Describe your idea of the ‘perfect date’: the perfect date to me would be my date (the bachelor) coming to my house and meeting all the people that are my family: Ms. Butterbottoms, my mom (bitch), my dad (awesome), my sister veronica (bitch) and my psychiatrist (ex). We’d all have dinner together (we’d eat spaghetti-o’s and jello, my FAVORITE) and at the end, he’d say, “Malinda (my real name) would you be my wife?” and I’d say, “Darling, I thought you’d never ask!” and then I’d put on my wedding dress and he’d carry me upstairs to my bedroom and I’d say, “bed me” and my family would throw rice. Yay weddings!

11.Describe your idea of the ‘perfect man’: daddy; the Bachelor Season 4, Jack from Titanic

12.What hobbies, interests do you pursue in your free time? Paxil, Zoloft, Ambien, a sense of BALANCE and CONTROL in my life, religion, vision charts

13.Tell us something interesting/unique about you: I’ve recently overcome bed-wetting; head of sorority

14.There is a very good chance that the bachelor lives in another state. Are you willing to relocate?

I would certainly be willing to relocate provided that the bachelor likes living at home with my parents.

Producers Section (do not write in this space): applicant moved to Acceptance Round. Contact for further instructions.

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La Isla Bonita

Looking for a new job in this harsh economy? Well, check this out.

island

As Island Caretaker, you'll be responsible for giving visiting media a 3-hr tour....a 3-hr tour.

It’s an article about Australia’s job announcement that they’re offering what they’re deeming is the “best job in the world”: the “island caretaker” for the Australian state of Queensland.

The winning applicant would be paid about $105,000.00/year to swim, stroll and record your experiences on the island via blog, email and apparently flare guns.

Sounds great, doesn’t it? Yeah, well….in the past, Australia has only been known for the Crocodile Hunter, Crocodile Dundee and Kangaroo Jack.

Other issues with this gig:

  1. The fine print in the article mentions that you’d also be responsible for some other “minor tasks”, which for all I know might be Australian for “Aborigine love slave”. Further proof that the Australian “dingo” is really “mandingo”.

    abo-kid

    Slumdingo millionaire

  2. did you know that Australia was originally founded as a penal colony? I have a feeling that you’re really serving as the new warden for their prison population. Do you know any Australians personally? I know I don’t, and I know that my only frame of reference for Australians are Russell “I’ll beat you with a phone and take your wife” Crowe and Mel “JEWS ARE MAGICAL ELVES THAT MUST BE DESTROYED” Gibson, meaning that you’d possibly be locked away on an island with a gladiator and Mad Max.

    mad-max

    Queensland Penal Colony Inmate No. 3455778 walks his dog, "Greenberg".

  3. FACT: you’re on an island in Australia, so you’re going to need to be armed and ready for danger. FACT:  Australians defend themselves with a boomerang, which is about as dangerous as a NERF toy.

When I called the Tourism Office for further details, I was also told that the “Island Caretaker Survival Kit” included a six-pack of Foster’s beer, season 19 of the MTV’s Real World: Sydney on DVD, and the book, That’s Not a Knife, THIS Is a Knife: How to date an Aussie .

nicole20kidman

Is it Doc Seuss' Grinch? Is it a Wuzzle? No, it's Aussie "hottie" Nicole Kidman.

I also learned that men from Queensland are called “banana benders” which might be reason #4 to consider not quitting your day job.

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