The Kids…thinks ‘X’ marks the spot (at least Wii think so)

I’ve liked video games for a long time; I grew up on Duck Hunt and Robbie the Robot back in the original original Nintendo days.

But this past X-mas, my Better Half got The Kids… an XBox360, which I now think should be submitted to the DEA as suspicious narcotics or something.

Watch out Q-Bert

I now sleep with it every night, which I don’t think the Microsoft developers intended, but damn, sometimes I turn the system off and then I go to bed and I hear it calling me from the other room, “…..the Kids….the Kids…..I’m so cold out here….” and before I know it, I’m grabbing some lube and running into the other room.

Wait, what.

Anyway, it’s a totally crazy experience, and it makes me really concerned about the generation of kids that are being raised on this game system.

The graphics are so life-like in appearance, that sometimes, when I play something like say, Grand Theft Auto IV: Smack that Ho Fo Sho I actually wince when I have to, well, smack a ho in the game.

And you get points for doing it! And money!

I fear that had I grown up on this years ago, my broke-ass college experience would have been very different.

Also this X-mas, we got Mama The Kids… and Papa The Kids… a Wii system to ease them into being the shut-ins that all old people should be relegated to once they reach 65 or more. Anyway, my parents–who  name-drop Nintendo like it was an iPod–were completely awestruck when we set-up the Wii for them.

You ever watch your pet meet another pet? That’s what it was like watching them meet their Wii for the first time.


Step 1 in "How to Break Up a Happy Home"

They walked around it, sniffed its crotch.

Peed on it.

But they’re also totally hooked now.

They played Wii Sports (bowling was a particularly big hit with them) for hours the first night, and after getting used to using the wireless joysticks, Mama The Kids…could only repeatedly remark, “Hee hee–this vibrates a lot!” –which I painfully, painfully ignored as much as possible.

And now, instead of getting cute, “hey son, how’s your day going?” emails, I’m now included on increasingly belligerent email exchanges between my parents that are bowling score taunts to each other. Observe.

The Kids Don’t Get It Present: Family Recreational Email Exchanges:

Day 1

9:15am: “181, sweetie!” (step-dad)


Wii Bowling might create more splits than you think

9:27am: “good job; i got 202 boo-boo!” (mom)

10:03am: “good job sugar-bum! i just got 215” (step-dad)

Day 2

1:22am: “hey son, bowled 223 tonight! best in the house! your mom’s slipping!” (step-dad)

5:41am: “i beat that score like it stole somethin’. 229 honey. eat it” (mom)

8:17am: “you dirty wii-tramp. i got 245” (step-dad)

5:30pm: “fuckyougot275justnow–pick-uptoilet paper” (mom)


My stepdad calls it quits

Day 3

7:45am: “i want a divorce” (step-dad)

7:57 (and 18sec) am: “dont be such a bitch” (mom)

7:57 (and 25sec)am: “actually, you know what? fine i keep wii then” (mom)

8:00am: “p.s. 280” (mom)

Thank Batman we didn’t get them an XBox 360.



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2 responses to “The Kids…thinks ‘X’ marks the spot (at least Wii think so)

  1. Loved the article man.. keep on posting..:D

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