Something’s A Foot

So we’ve already discussed the Snuggie here on The Kids… and so, I’m starting to think that the next category that I should add is “Buy Me!” to this blog’s repetoire of reports, because man, I’ve found more goodies to get your loved ones.

Let’s get some science jargon out of the way first. Feet. You have feet, I have feet–as a matter of fact, the only people I’m aware of that don’t have feet is this skinny blue-tooth-wearing-Asian guy over here in Kensington (he walks on sawed-off Reebok sneaker nubs and it creeps me the f-ck out) and Lt. Dan from Forrest Gump.

That’s it. Everyone else, feet.

So, with that in mind, if you’re ever in a rut and can’t figure out what to give someone for their birthday/bah mitzvah/bridal shower/anniversary The Kids….would like to suggest purchasing the Ped Egg.

pedegg2

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...."

The Ped Egg is simultaneously the most disgusting and the most comical product I’ve seen yet on an infomercial. The Ped Egg removes the rough, calloused skin on the bottom of your feet, giving your dogs baby-soft smoothness (Ped Egg’s claim, not mine).

But here’s the suh-weet aspect of the Ped Egg–this small hand-shaped product also collects all of your dead-skin shavings in a “special storage compartment” apparently so when you rigorously file your feet your face doesn’t look like you just left 7th period “Wood Shop Class”.

proudfoot

You know what they say about a hobbit with big feet....

I totally get that people get some rough, calloused feet that need to be properly planed from time to time. I called Ped Egg and asked who would best stand to benefit from their product. Based on my conversation, I gathered that the Ped Egg is best for the following people:

1. Hobbits

2. Firewalkers

3. Smurfs

4. Hippies, or other awkwardly-often-publicly-barefoot white people you know

"A Ped Egg! A Ped Egg! My kingdom for a Ped Egg!"

"A Ped Egg! A Ped Egg! My kingdom for a Ped Egg!"

That’s it. Anyone other than that, I would suggest amputation.

Should you go ahead and purchase it for someone not on the above approved list, I would suggest helping them determine the best place to keep their Ped Egg.

Such as:

1. on the dinner table

2. next to Tic-Tacs

3. on the mantle next to grandparent/aunt/uncle/parent ashes

4. close to your deodorant

5. near your cordless phone

And lastly, despite it’s portable-ness (is that a word? that’s a word now at least), the Ped Egg should not be used in or at the following:

1. Subway cars

2. book club

ped_egg-girls

"Lana I want (scrapescrapescrape) to talk about your (scrapescrapescrape) drinking problem..."

3. spectator sports games

4. interventions

Having your friend/loved one/smurf follow these guidelines and they’ll be walking on Easy Street!

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Something’s A Foot

  1. Zoe

    There’s a legless man on the Atlantic City boardwalk. That makes TWO people.

  2. Does the portable compartment work as well as, say, the portable compartments in nail clippers or hole punchers? If so, I’ll pass.

  3. MJ

    The best part is, when it’s time to EMPTY the PedEgg. That’s the best part of the infomercial.

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