The Kids…wants you to watch ‘The Batch o’ Whores’

bachelor-group

The Divine Craziness of the Ga-Ga Sisterhood

So, besides The Real World, The Real World: Gauntlet series and Made (more on that in a later post; y’know, like my Sam Jackson one) I have another guilty-pleasure reality TV show: The Bachelor (and sometimes The Bachelorette).

The Bachelor is an accelerated, 6-week delusional program bound to either be a smashing success or a crushing, crushing failure like Teach for America!.

bachlette

"I believe that sometimes love just finds you when you least expect it. And sometimes you have to follow love to work and make him love you."

Anyway, I can’t turn my head away from this show. You know how people always describe things as being like a train wreck? Well, to me watching The Bachelor is like watching a train wreck, only in this train wreck there’s people crawling out of the wreckage. And they’re on fire. And they’re naked. And one of them’s Paris Hilton. It’s just that irresistible for me.

the-bachelor

"With a little love and a lot of regret, I think we can make this 3-some work."

In particular, the women that they get on this show never cease to amaze me. It’s not just because they’re hot; it’s much more so because they’re crazy.

For further information to substantiate the hypothesis that “only crazy biznotches go on The Bachelor“, on a recent tour of ABC studios, I managed to steal an application of one of the accepted The Bachelor contestramps. I share with you the following:

Application for ‘The Bachelor’ Season 8

Instructions: Please complete the following application answering all questions in complete sentences. Urine samples will be collected at the end of the session.

1. First Name: Karyn Last Name: I’d rather not say for legal reasons

2. Age: ‘legal’ 😉

3. Occupation: teacher, but I have dreams of being a wife

4. Education: self-taught; I don’t deal well with crowds, reading

5. Hometown: where the heart is

6. Current Town: parent’s house

7. Sex: M_x__ F_x__ Other__x_ I am socially bi-sexual, privately desperate for any human affection

8. Have you been in a relationship before? Please describe your past relationships in 2-3 sentences:

Ok, so this last guy, Brad was like totally an asshole. He told me that I was getting too old to still be living with my parents. I mean, I thought he was the perfect guy for me because he made money and understood that I must have my doll Ms. Butterbottoms with me at ALL TIMES because she understands me but he was all like “I think we need to get you some help” and I was like BITCH I LEFT ALL MY FRIENDS FOR YOU and he just didn’t want to hear me out about it and my family was getting really worried because my dad says that I am a princess and princesses deserve only the best, only the best so Brad and I divorced and I want to join the show because I want to find real love now. He was in jail anyway. I also go down on the first meeting.

9. How would your best friends describe you? Easy; bi-curious, ‘issue-y’

10.Describe your idea of the ‘perfect date’: the perfect date to me would be my date (the bachelor) coming to my house and meeting all the people that are my family: Ms. Butterbottoms, my mom (bitch), my dad (awesome), my sister veronica (bitch) and my psychiatrist (ex). We’d all have dinner together (we’d eat spaghetti-o’s and jello, my FAVORITE) and at the end, he’d say, “Malinda (my real name) would you be my wife?” and I’d say, “Darling, I thought you’d never ask!” and then I’d put on my wedding dress and he’d carry me upstairs to my bedroom and I’d say, “bed me” and my family would throw rice. Yay weddings!

11.Describe your idea of the ‘perfect man’: daddy; the Bachelor Season 4, Jack from Titanic

12.What hobbies, interests do you pursue in your free time? Paxil, Zoloft, Ambien, a sense of BALANCE and CONTROL in my life, religion, vision charts

13.Tell us something interesting/unique about you: I’ve recently overcome bed-wetting; head of sorority

14.There is a very good chance that the bachelor lives in another state. Are you willing to relocate?

I would certainly be willing to relocate provided that the bachelor likes living at home with my parents.

Producers Section (do not write in this space): applicant moved to Acceptance Round. Contact for further instructions.

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