Like many of you, I was sure happy to see Will Smith Barack Obama take the office a week ago. It was, in a word, prettyfuckingawesome.
Anyway, the sad reality is though, that B.O. (I like calling him “B.O.”) isn’t going to provide us with much humor or entertainment as a public official.
B.O.’s going to be more like your corny parent/principal when it comes to humor; you know that “cute” kind of humor that’s as bland, inoffensive, but effective as self-adhesive envelopes.
But there’s a bright light in his cabinet.
I love Joe Biden. I really do.
I mean, what’s there not to like about this guy? He was created for laughter and merriment.
Joe Biden is awesome because he’s the perfect amalgamation of J.R. Ewing (from 80’s Dallas), Yosemite Sam (from Looney Tunes) and the Kool Aid Man (from Super Fresh).
That’s a winning combination right there, folks.
Have you seen him in action? He’s always the loudest, smiling-est, rootin-est, tootin-est hombre in the room.
As he strode out to the seating stage to take the oath, he was the only one that seemed genuinely ecstatic to be there.
While B.O. looked like he’d just sharted himself, and Bill C. look like he’d just had tiresome “hate sex” with Hillary C., Joe looked ready to run down the “game tunnel” (that’s what I called the corridor they all walked down during the inauguration) and sack the nearest colleague.
I mean even our other beloved, clueless, vapid politician, Jimmy Carter, looked like he’d been injected with that goo that Mr. Burns got in that one episode of The Simpsons.
But Joe? Joe looked like he’d done something Vice Presidential already. As he stepped out onto the oath stage, he raised his arms to the sky and said, “I JUST (he only talks loud) TOOK A DUMP IN THE GAME TUNNEL AND CONDOLEEZY IS CLEANING. THIS JOB IS AWESOME! WHO WANTS KOOL AID??!”
He’s like the uncle that’s always upbeat no matter what the situation: weddings, funerals, holiday gatherings, bail hearings.
That’s what he is, actually: Uncle Joe.
Uncle Joe keeps a flask in Jill’s hair.
Uncle Joe’s going to play Guitar Hero during Oval Office meetings (“YOU WANT RESULTS?? TRY GETTING 95% ON “THROUGH THE FIRE AND THE FLAMES”, RAHM, YOU ASSHAT. THEN WE CAN TALK. ASSHAT. WHO WANTS KOOL AID???!”)
Uncle Joe will have people “taken down. Hard” for not voting The Dark Knight for Best Picture, not for 2009, but EVER.
Uncle Joe’s going to leave a series of busted “Kool Aid Man” walls all over D.C. It’ll be the way he enters and exits all meetings.
So, yes, this one was historic. One for the ages, really. It’s Biden time, folks. Strap in, and get ready for the ride, sissies.
Just wait til you see his “stimulus” plan!