….but the bitch CAN’T READ!

Suburban parents are always trying to find creative ways to either:

a) not spend time with their kids

b) find ridiculous ways to spend money on their kids

girls-gone-wild

18yrs later, and Katie's made a name for herself. Thanks Paws!

Sometimes, the two come together and result  in the form of MTV’s Super Sweet 16.

Sometimes the result is MTV’s Engaged and Underaged.

Sometimes the result is MTV’s Real World: I’m in Slut-city.

But usually they’re just frat kids.

Anyway, there’s a ton of ways that this happens. The latest trend to ensure that your suburban kid turns into a freak in 8-10 years has now reared its head in the DC/VA area.

Is reading “Old Yeller” making your kid want to holler?

“To Kill A Mockingbird” too….. mocking?

Ever find yourself disgusted with your kids’ reading (“Bat-dammit, Suzie, you sound like a back-alley whore when you read. 20mins timeout in your room–Mummy needs a drinky-drink…”)?

Turns out now that you can get someone to read along with your kid so you don’t have to be reminded of their stupid-ness and inconvenient illiteracy.

Introducing Gus, the nonjudgmental reading tutor.

Gus, in case you don’t feel like looking at the link, is a dog.

I repeat: a dog.

No, no; I’m thinking you still haven’t heard me: people are using dogs to help teach kids how to read.

A dog.

barking

ANNUNCIATE! ANNUNCIATE!

In this economy.

A dog.

It’s through a dog sweat-shop non-profit whose program goal  “aims to promote the self-confidence of young readers by having them practice the skill in front of a friendly, nonjudgmental dog”.

gus-at-the-library

(Boy): "I w-will, not eet guh-rean iggs and him...." (Dog): Dear God shoot me.

First of all, I don’t even know what it means to have a nonjudgmental dog.

What’s a judgemental dog do: bite?

Other advantages to a dog tutor:

  • free dry humps when kid reads well. Now the kid is reading at a 1st grade level and getting past 1st base– in one sitting!
  • books that are too hard get buried
  • good readers come home covered in piss (these are called “high marks” in the program)
  • bad readers come home with rabies, trauma

Possible disadvantages to a dog tutor:

  • when called on to read in class, your child issues a series of barks
  • crotch-sniffing other kids at the library
  • concerned calls from teachers about your child talking about how they learned all they know “from that bitch in the library”
  • the awkward presence of the phrase “doggy-style” in the house (“Mom, Timmy and I are going to go upstairs and read ‘Romeo and Juliet’–doggy style!”)

It’s pretty ridiculous, right?

As a matter of fact, here are more appropriate read-aloud tutors on the cheap:

Late night in the teacher's lounge

Late night in the teacher's lounge

  • the homeless
  • day laborers
  • deaf people

Instead people are using dogs….fuggin’ dogs…..to encourage reading. This is the sort of shit that wouldn’t happen in the ghetto, but that’s mainly because all the dogs there are in gangs, or betting on cock-fighting or something.

I mean, whatever happened to the “Book-It” program?

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