Big Trouble Little China

So I’m hip. I know what the kids are into nowadays. You know, with the hip-hop, the iPods and the early pregnancies.


Miley on the set of the railed live-action "Mulan 3: Hello Kitty!".

I get it. I do.

But one thing I’ve never gotten, and still don’t get, is the force that is Miley Cyrus. For one thing, she’s weird-looking, and  not in that “cute weird ugly” way like bulldogs, but weird like, “I think she’s supposed to be a dude” like that Juwanna Man-like chick on Real World: Syphillis Brooklyn.

And so, while the picture to the right might actually make her look better, Miley’s in some deep soy sauce over this one. Everyone from OCA (Organization of Chinese Americans), to the NAACP to the Wu-Tang Clan is pissed at Hannah Man-tana for her ridiculous photo ransoming Jackie Chan’s kidnapped son (pictured, center).

When approached for a comment, Miley’s manager/on-again-off-again boyfriend Billy Ray Cyrus said, “Eye fink there nooting wong wif–”

I’m kidding, I’m kidding.

Billy Ray couldn’t be reached because he was getting his hair permed at the time.

But still, she’s Disney’s hottest property without mouse ears. And she’s a total cash cow for them from her TV show, to her music, to photo shoots. She wears so many hats for them, it’s amazing! She’s like a modern-day Mickey Rooney or something, only with a slightly bigger penis.


Billy and Miley share "butterfly kisses" while shooting the new "Incest: By Calvin Kline" ad.

And that’s what I love about Miley: her range.

She’s got as many roles and personalities as Tyra Banks Barbie.

Such as:

  • There’s “I’m too close to my Daddy” Miley:


    "Twilight"? No. Miley prepares to shoot her first mature non-Disney film. At home. In the garage. With Lil' John.

  • There’s Aryan Race Rules! Prussia Love Hannah Montana:
  • And my favorite “Gonorrhea-Street Whore” Miley:

So what’s a Miley to do? Obviously, her and Disney are caught in a real Chinese finger-trap here.

I think the best route for her to go is to claim that Disney wants to capitalize on Miley’s popular image right now, and as such, the above photo is part of a series of designs aimed at re-imagining DisneyWorld’s famous “It’s A Small World” ride, with the base template being none other than Ms. Cyrus.

This would mean that she’d now have to go around and do additonal shots like her in a dutch costume, or her black face ( for Africa), or, oh, oh, I’d love to see Miley do Dirty Sanchez (for all of us).


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