The Great White Dope


Phelps has trouble hiding his stash.

After smoking French men in the pool, America’s favorite mer-man, Michael Phelps, was caught in a photo smoking from a bong.

And naturally (heh), people immediately went into an outrage over it.

But why are people surprised? Michael Phelps lives in Baltimore. Have you been to Baltimore?

The Kids… Presents: “Shit, Reasons Why I’d Smoke Too If I Lived In Baltimore”:

  • The Wire which continues to give white people a collective sigh of relief for the beauty of gentrification
  • a place called Power Plant Live. What do you think that means?
  • Ray Lewis prowling the streets. He’s like OJ on the other side of the ball.
  • A museum dedicated to “blacks in wax”. You want to see some shit that makes you want to light one up? Try staring at Al Sharpton in wax.
  • Those Ace of Cakes dudes whose entire job is to get lit and then make Madonna’s breasts out of cupcakes and jimmies.

    Unaware he's being recorded, an obviously-high Phelps has a "textures epsiode" with his gold medal.

    Unaware he's being recorded, an obviously-high Phelps has a "textures epsiode" with his gold medal.

Plus, I saw an interview once that said Michael Phelps’ regimen included drinking chocolate milk everyday. Who relaxes or trains with the use of chocolate milk? I’ll tell you who:

  • Shaggy
  • Oompah-Loompahs
  • Chunk
  • The NESTLE-Quik Bunny

That’s it.


Don't Wonka my Willy!: Yahoo!'s #5 "Most Trafficked Hole" poses with Phelp's dealers.

The good thing though, is with all his free time, Phelps can now hang out with some of his A-List celeb buddies he’s been meaning to catch-up with, like:

  • Dave Chappelle and those guys from Half-Baked
  • Govenor Blagojevich
  • Harold, Kumar
  • Ray Lewis er, maybe not

UPDATE: Phelps has been barred from swimming by the US Swim Team for 3 months. When reached for comment, Phelps replied, “Cookies” and dove into his tub. He’s now unconscious.

If only he’d used O’Dweeds!


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