Nadya Suleman (whose name sounds like she’s Keyser Soze’s cousin) is one baby-making heifer.
Nadya, whose first injection of baby batter a few years ago produced sextuplets, recently went back under the syringe after telling the doctors, “I NEED MORE BABIES“. She then popped out another eight babies, placing her 4th on Yahoo!’s exclusive “2008-09’s Most Trafficked Holes in the U.S.” list:
- Holland Tunnel; NYC, NY
- Scarlett Johanssen; Everywhere, USA
- The Big Dig, Boston, MA
- Nadya Suleman’s Cooter; Crazy-Baby-Making-Ville, CA
An impressive feat she’ll be sure to share with her kids one day.
In addition to that though, what’s also awesome is the fact that Nadya is living at home with her parents. Which is awesome, ’cause it’s sort of like making your parents relive every slumber party they either threw or promised to throw her years ago.
All. The. Time.
How many times can you be called “Nana” in one day before resorting to heroin? We’re about to find out.
The other amazing this is that all 14 babies came from the same man’s spunk. Nadya refuses to identify the man–whose nut nectar must be made with Gamma Rays–but man, once this unemployed (when you’re trying to out-breed your cat, you don’t have time for work) momma does decide to chase after this dude, Maury is going to have the show of his life that day.
I can just imagine now…….
The Kids Don’t Get It Theatre Presents: “Bruce Banner, This Is Your Life”:
(Maury, with rolled up sleeves and “maybe A Current Affair wasn’t so bad” look): “Mr. Banner, we took some of your DNA and tested it with each of Nadya’s mistakes, and the results are in. You ready?”
(Bruce, cool, unmoved): “…that’s totally fine, Maury. I’m ready. If any of these bastards are mine, I’ll handle mine, I’ll handle mine.”
(Maury): “Ok, the results are in and Baby #1,” Ren”–is yours.”
(Maury): “Baby #2, “Stimpy”–is yours.”
(Bruce): “Wha? Ok, ok….two kids….twins I guess, ok…cool.”
(Maury): “Bruce, there’s more. Babies 3-7 Michael, Randy, Jermaine, Tito, Marlon and Jackie….are also yours.”
(Bruce, turning to Nadya): “What the shit?”
(Maury, turning to the camera): “And this is only the beginning…we’ll have more after this.”
(Bruce, standing up now): “More? More? Fuck that, no commercials. I will Connie-karate you, Maury.”
(Maury): “….ok, but you should know: Nadya has 14 babi–”
(Bruce, pale-faced): “14? 14?! What’re you….Mexican?”
(Maury): “-es. Numbers 8-14, Ralph and Johnny, Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, and Mike–oh, and Whitney– are also yours.”
(Bruce): “Jesus; it’s like you’ve given birth to 106th and Park.” (jumps up, escapes leaving Biden-shaped hole in studio wall)
….And end scene.
Granted, I’m not a woman, but I definitely don’t understand how they can breastfeed one child, let alone a basketball team’s worth of mouths.
…..”whacky straws” ?
It’d be fitting at least.