Here, have some Salma-lac

Most times when celebrities visit 3rd World countries, it’s for specific reasons like:

  • Madonna and Angelina Jolie who, tired of collecting other people’s men, instead challenge each other to a race around the globe collecting babies like they’re on Amazing Race. Together I call them “Madgina”.

    angelina_jolie706

    "Up 2-0. Eat it, Material Girl."

  • NBA forward Ron Artest who goes as an NBA/USA ambassador, meaning he starts pick-up games and knife fights with the locals. Then he re-populates villages by creating 100 more babies out of wedlock*.

*About half of these babies are collected by “Madgina”.

  • And every 3rd full moon “The Abominable Sally Struthers” rampages villages and eats locals. She’s like Grendel.

    struthers-with-dorsch

    The Abominable Struthers lulls another snack with the promise of "Salma-lac".

But those fads have now come and gone; well, maybe not Struthers’ approach, but that’s only because locals can’t afford silver bullets. Anyway, now,  instead of opening their checkbooks….or their hearts….or their hotel room (for “3rd World hook-ups”) they’re opening their blouses.

On a recent visit to Sierra Leone–a place that until Kanye’s “Diamonds are Forever” video, most people confused with “Sierra Mist”–Salma Hayek decided to grab a nearby baby and breast feed it on camera.

Oh to be that cameraman, who must’ve felt a mixture of disgust, confusion, arousal and jealousy all at once.

At one point, the camera drops to the ground a la The Blair Witch Project and you can hear the cameraman yell, “move over Simba I’m thirsty too!”.

SWITZERLAND UNICEF HAYEK

At a recent UN appearance, Salma was forced to silence her breasts, who have now become politically active boobs.

But really, breast feeding the baby? Hot shitty titty, that’s crazy! And even crazier was that the newborn’s mother is alive and well. Also, the fact that the child was actually 28.

Apparently though, Salma didn’t do this solely out of the goodness in her shirt. She mentions to the Nightline reporter,”Ay dios mios–what’s the big deal? Me, ‘Diego’ and ‘Frida’–those are my boobies–have so much to give. Let us help.”

She then yelled “ay gitchy gitchy!”, shook her magical mammeries and instantly filled every villager’s bowls, cups, mugs and pitchers with her homemade nipple nectar.

Together they watched as the Nightline reporter’s narrated the action:

Unknown to these Sierra Leone villagers, their regular drinking water has been replaced with Salma Hayek’s titty tonic…….let’s see if they can taste the difference.”

hayek

Hayek, Diego and Frida take counsel from a local village elder.

Naturally, this news has created a huge upswell of interest and controversy, with many hailing Salma as a hero, and many others feverishly googling “Salma Hayek breasts”. As a result, Disney has green-lit a movie to be made about the actress’s exploits in war-torn Sierra Leone.

Disney’s “Titty-Titty Bang Bang” will open in theatres next summer.

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1 Comment

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One response to “Here, have some Salma-lac

  1. Pingback: Celebrity Chit-Chat: Some like it Hayek « The Kids Don’t Get It: pop culture and stuff

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