As a member of Facebook, I’ve been “tagged” or “mentioned” or “queefed” to do the latest craze, the “25 Random Things About Me” list, or as I like to call it, the “SOMEONE PLEASE REALIZE I AM SPECIAL” list.
Not familiar with it? Well, imagine everyone was suddenly Ricky from My So-Called Life: totally lively, totally sincere, totally obnoxious and possibly gay. That’s the best way to describe what it’s like to read these lists.
Per Facebook etiquette, people put everything from random fears, herpes outbreaks, family relationships, and people they’ve killed on these lists.
Well, instead of doing one on Facebook, I’m doing my list here instead, and so, I present the following:
The Kids…Presents: 25 Reasons To Please Make Me Feel Special List:
1. My favorite gay celebrities are Ellen DeGeneres, the Doogie Howser guy, and Will.i.am.
2. When I am not blogging, I am rigorously training to be on The Real World.
3. Wednesday nights, I help O.J. find Nicole’s real killers. We’re getting close. OJ’s pretty convinced that it was Urkel-bot.
4. I bowl under the fearful, ethnic moniker “Chocolate Thunder”.
5. Sometimes when I’m eating pancakes and I pour syrup on them, the syrup runs along Mrs. Butterworth’s bottle-body. This in turn, turns me on, and I sweep my pancakes onto the floor and her and I make loooove.
6. ….on an un-related note, I’ve been kicked out of IHOP 4 times.
7. Sometimes when people aren’t looking, I go through their purses. And by “people” I mean “Mom” and by “aren’t looking”, I mean “at gunpoint”.
8. I created Batman. Batman is really a black man. I know this because he is called “the Dark Knight”.
9. I was mentored by Ann Coulter, and then we dated, and then one night after whoopy I drove a stake
through her heart. This can all be found in my series of memoirs, “Twilight”.
10. I hate when people say, “if I die, I want to come back as X celebrity” because chances are, when you’re dead they’ll be dead too, so it’s just easier to be honest and say, “I don’t want to die alone with my cats/mother”.
11. In high school, kids made fun of me for my dorky appearance, voice and general uncoolness. But I got the last laugh in the end. I killed them. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (cleans knife).
12.rIghT know eye m dr9nk
13. I have a mathematical equation that can prove that the Care Bears’ “Care Bear Stare” inspired Mardi Gras’ beads tradition.
14. I taped R. kelly. Toot-toot, beep-beep.
15. I once confused “grundle” with “Grendel”. Not good when you’re teaching English class, and even worse when you’re trying to impress other warriors in the meadhall about how you “stabbed grundle 14 times”.
16. I once got plastic surgery to raise my ears. No wait, my breasts.
17. Cree Summers and I had a baby. That baby was Justin Guarini.
18. Am I special to you yet? I want to be special. This list needs to be special.
19. I was the Super Bowl camerman that Springsteen tea-bagged live during his halftime show. I now know why they call him “The Boss”.
20. Sometimes I see a young woman selling herself on the street and I’m like, “Do you need help? You really need to do something with your life”. And other times I’m just like, “Mom, this is really embarrassing.”
21. I love looking for pornographic moments in Disney films and when they’re not there, imagining they are. Hello, Wall*E.
22. I love NPR. Naked Public Running.
23. I use Jay-Z’s lips to cool my soup.
24. In elementary school, I sold weed out of my Trapper Keeper. Nowadays, I still sell weed to elementary school kids, but now I use my iPhone to coordinate sales, distribution, profits and ass-beatings.
25. I’m writing this from IHOP and Butterworth’s rubbing syrup on her apron and giving me that “get the full stack look”. Gotta go.