The Kids….is all a’Twitter

Twitter is a social-texting site that allows people to give constant real-time updates about what’s going on in their lives at every. given. moment.

You know those idiotic, mundane status updates you see on Facebook all the time? With Twitter, you can tell your friends, “Going to eat soup now”…..”Pee still burning”…..”Just watched ‘Judge Judy'”……”Think I either have the clap or I’m pregnant. Let’s clap if I’ve got the clap”…..”meeting with parole officer, then lunch with mom” all the time, any time during the day.

So needless to say, I’ve avoided this latest trend. To be honest, gleefully including myself on this list, most people just aren’t that interesting. I hate to break it to some of you, but you aren’t. Not enough to warrant constant streaming of your thoughts and activities.

It’s the same reason why I’d never do one myself (though I had the idea of using Twitter to do a special The Kids….real-time report on The Oscars…), because it’d more than likely look like this:

  • 8:15am taking a dump, reading Calvin and Hobbes
  • 8:35am still taking a dump, reading X-Men
  • 9:17am just got into work, punched a baby on subway on my way out of frustration
  • 9:21am just been fired going to dl some porn on work computer then going home to watch episodes of Bosom Buddies maybe cry a little

So, when I finally did go to the website, I sought out the only persons that I thought made sense to check-in on: celebrities. And so, over the course of the next few weeks, The Kids…will be sharing the transcripts of celebrity Twitter posts/conversations.

Our first celeb-Twit? Angelina Jolie.

If Mother Theresa was real she'd look like me

If Mother Theresa was real she'd look like me


The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: Angelina Jolie’s Twitter at The Oscars: (all times are EST; pictures supplied by Angelina)

February 22, 2009

7:45pm brad and i are in limo on way to oscars. made brad wear “jennifer” mask whilst we may love

7:55pm lil maddox just learned to cut his first lines of coke for mommy! he’s also driving the limo. to some he may be a 3rd world baby, but to us, he’s a 1st rate servant

8:10pm blacked out lost track of time because of coke  now apparently walking red carpet with brad about to check coats

8:22pm just realized this is not brad; hillary swank

8:23pm also just realized that i handed coat to penelope cruz, oscars dont have a coat check 2nite because of economy

8:24pm not penel cruz, don cheadle, i am so coked up

8:35pm in ladies’ room applying self-righteous lotion to my neck, balls. lotion made from maddox’s birth-mother’s tears. also injected heroin into belly button so i can stay awake during this grammy’s show

8:38pm seated now, giving brad handjob

8:55pm just rec email confirming we’ve officially adopted queen latifah, now re-named “stacy”. please welcome stacy jolie-pitt to our family

9:00pm show is so boring guys! omg, here comes jen-jen to present with jack fatback black to present animation aka apparently what jenn is not when she f-cks

Every tattoo's a "tramp-stamp" when you're me!

Every tattoo's a "tramp-stamp" when you're me!

9:01pm just yelled “c*nt” to jennifer anus-ton once applause died down. i hate her i HATE HER squeezing brad’s balls to remind him who owns him

9:02pm just yelled c-bomb again; everyone is looking at mickey rourke :)–except anus-ton who is looking at me

John Mayer and his mother, Cow Mayer at the Oscars

John Mayer and his mother, Cow Mayer at the Oscars

9:03 just flicked tongue at anus-ton, made graphic “bj” motion with mouth hands pointing at brad

9:17pm just took sip of billy bob’s career lifeblood from vial to calm nerves maintain vampire powers manage gonorrhea rashes

9:20pm just remembered to give a sip of vial to jamie foxx to help him maintain cultural relevance despite lack of talent

9:25pm sending naked pics of me to john mayer

10:19pm adrian brody just whispered ‘good luck tonight’–holy fuck i’m nominated tonight??? for ‘changeling’? wtf? i was really trying to get that baby that was not a movie

10:24pm bored carving stacy jolie-pitts name between breasts brad looks embarrassed GO BACK TO JENN THEN WHORE

10:45pm announcing lead actress noms……rachel hathaway –f*cked her….melissa leo –f*cked her….meryl streep –too many x’s to count….kate winslet–man. i should easily win

11:00pm award went to winslet, i just f-cked her hubby backstage for upstaging me. made him wear “jennifer” mask

11:30pm braddy-daddy and i are adopting the cast crew of slumdog mill…maybe mumbai too…must go now…mayer texting me pics of his junk wants pics of brad, & a ride home with us


1 Comment

Filed under Celebrity-Twitters

One response to “The Kids….is all a’Twitter

  1. Pingback: The Kids….turns 120! « The Kids Don’t Get It: pop culture and stuff

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