Some of my favorite news stories are those teacher-student relationship scandals that always seem ripe for a Lifetime movie. Or Cinemax.
As someone who taught, I can’t imagine how this stuff happens. This ranks right up there with Yahoo!‘s Most-Searched Internet Questions as seen below:
- “why is Jamie Foxx still getting work?”
- “Cowboy Troy black, white?”
- “how many STD’s does Courtney Love have, give?”
- “how to get my 5th period Chem student to love me? pref naked”
- “donkey punch, how to”
Confounding isn’t it?
When I was a teacher in Houston, the conversations I had with kids usually consisted of one of the following:
1. grades (i.e. “what they are”; “…of cocaine”)
2. where my car keys were
3. which “Jose Vasquez” I was talking to
4. “….seriously guys, where are my car keys?”
5. “whose baby is this?”
So suffice it to say, by the end of a typical day, I was definitely heated but not necessarily “in heat”, and if I was, it definitely wasn’t for any of the students.
So I don’t get this. I don’t even get how this happens.
It’s not like most teachers are even hot. I mean, think back to when you were in school before you dropped out.
I’ll guide you through it via a memory exercise. Hop into your mental DeLorean, check the flux capacitor, and let’s do this.
Ok, lean back…..relax your muscles…..shut out the ambient noises around you: your baby needs to learn how to feed itself by now anyway……close your eyes……don’t worry; The Kids…is doing all of this with you, too…..now touch yourself……now her…..do it again…….ok kidding, stop…..STOP…….Now, I’m going to say a word…… The word is “teacher”…………….What do you see?……Great, ok ……..now touch me.
Ok, so I don’t know about you, but just now, these are the images that came to mind when I pictured the word “teacher”:
- Mr. Morris in Head of the Class
- Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life, watching Tootie shower
- Me in class, crying. The kids pointing, laughing and dry-humping.
- Michelle Pfieffer in a Catwoman suit whipping Coolio
- Helen Keller in a tree yelling “teacher”
- Mrs. Garrett and Catwoman showering.
I’m sure you had similar reactions, right? I mean, most of my actual teachers were a concentrated assortment of hump backs, poofy-hairdos, snaggled smiles and bulbous noses. It was like they all stumbled out of Labyrinth. And those were the doable ones.
So I don’t get who these teachers are. Any really hot person that’s posing as a teacher usually loses their clothes within 5mins and there’s a “fluffer” around the premises.
That’s not opinion folks, that’s science.
I mean, the only time I can remember something like that even remotely happening was when I was in high school marching band and the band instructor made a pass at me late after-school one day and I only remember that because I remember I was sleeping with my English and Math teachers at the time.
Anyway, a lot of times these teachers are fired and expelled from the District, forced to turn in their gradebook and condoms promptly at the office, never to be seen in Howard County, MD again.
Anyway, I always wonder how these people get new jobs.
So I did some digging and found the one place that’ll take anyone so long as they’re willing to stand in front of students without fear of being shanked. Here’s a section of their application:
School District of Philadelphia Human Resources Application for New Teachers
Please answer the following questions as honestly as you care to. We need teachers so we most likely won’t read this anyway.