Head in the Class

Some of my favorite news stories are those teacher-student relationship scandals that always seem ripe for a Lifetime movie. Or Cinemax.notes-scandal

As someone who taught, I can’t imagine how this stuff happens. This ranks right up there with Yahoo!‘s Most-Searched Internet Questions as seen below:

  1. “why is Jamie Foxx still getting work?”
  2. “Cowboy Troy black, white?”
  3. “how many STD’s does Courtney Love have, give?”
  4. “how to get my 5th period Chem student to love me? pref naked”
  5. “donkey punch, how to”

Confounding isn’t it?

When I was a teacher in Houston, the conversations I had with kids usually consisted of one of the following:

1. grades (i.e. “what they are”; “…of cocaine”)

2. where my car keys were

3. which “Jose Vasquez” I was talking to


While Mr. Moore preferred cherries, but he'd still give students his banana from time to time.

4. “….seriously guys, where are my car keys?”

5. “whose baby is this?”

So suffice it to say, by the end of a typical day, I was definitely heated but not necessarily “in heat”, and if I was, it definitely wasn’t for any of the students.

So I don’t get this. I don’t even get how this happens.

It’s not like most teachers are even hot. I mean, think back to when you were in school before you dropped out.

I’ll guide you through it via a memory exercise. Hop into your mental DeLorean, check the flux capacitor, and let’s do this.

sexyteacher1Ok, lean back…..relax your muscles…..shut out the ambient noises around you: your baby needs to learn how to feed itself by now anyway……close your eyes……don’t worry; The Kids…is doing all of this with you, too…..now touch yourself……now her…..do it again…….ok kidding, stop…..STOP…….Now, I’m going to say a word…… The word is “teacher”…………….What do you see?……Great, ok ……..now touch me.

Kidding!–open eyes.


Mrs. Garrett works on Blair's 'witch' just barely off-camera

Ok, so I don’t know about you, but just now, these are the images that came to mind when I pictured the word “teacher”:

  • Mr. Morris in Head of the Class
  • Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life, watching Tootie shower
  • Me in class, crying. The kids pointing, laughing and dry-humping.
  • Michelle Pfieffer in a Catwoman suit whipping Coolio
  • Helen Keller in a tree yelling “teacher”
  • Mrs. Garrett and Catwoman showering.

Jennifer gets a little after-school help in 'chemistry' from Mr. Walls, and later, learns of "the beast with two backs".

I’m sure you had similar reactions, right? I mean, most of my actual teachers were a concentrated assortment of hump backs, poofy-hairdos, snaggled smiles and bulbous noses. It was like they all stumbled out of Labyrinth. And those were the doable ones.

So I don’t get who these teachers are. Any really hot person that’s posing as a teacher usually loses their clothes within 5mins and there’s a “fluffer” around the premises.

That’s not opinion folks, that’s science.

I mean, the only time I can remember something like that even remotely happening was when I was in high school marching band and the band instructor made a pass at me late after-school one day and I only  remember that because I remember I was sleeping with my English and Math teachers at the time.

Wait, what.

Anyway, a lot of times these teachers are fired and expelled from the District, forced to turn in their gradebook and condoms promptly at the office, never to be seen in Howard County, MD again.

Anyway, I always wonder how these people get new jobs.

So I did some digging and found the one place that’ll take anyone so long as they’re willing to stand in front of students without fear of being shanked. Here’s a section of their application:

School District of Philadelphia Human Resources Application for New Teachers

Please answer the following questions as honestly as you care to. We need teachers so we most likely won’t read this anyway.

  1. First Name: Declined for legal reasons Last Name: Declined for legal reasons
  2. Address: Heartbreak Hotel 😦 and currently, parent’s house
  3. Years teaching: 2 ½
  4. Subjects taught: Math, Geometry, Calculus, sex
  5. Education Background: Oh god, I’ve learned A LOT these last two years. Things like love and ages of consent.
  6. Criminal background: Please describe/detail any prior arrests: I’d rather not; I mean, is it wrong to love someone and be loved and make them miss gym, art, or English class occasionally because of that? No court can judge that. None.
  7. Technology skills: Myspace.com; chat rooms; webcams
  8. Reason for leaving last job: it’s totally complicated. Basically we were just headed in different directions; college, possible jail-time


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2 responses to “Head in the Class

  1. Lucian

    I will pass along some info a friend told me years ago. He was a substitute teacher in Union, NJ and let me know that he wanted to nail plenty of the girls, but would never risk his job/career/freedom. He also told me about the smartest man he ever met… the school janitor. The janitor would chat up senior girls all year, but never touch them… until they graduated. Then, he would apparently bag two or three of them every year. Yes, the janitor. Believe what you will, that’s the story I’ve been told.

    On another note… one of the “possibly related posts: (automatically generated)” above is “How to Get a Teach to Like You”

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