I personally understand the need and desire to find the perfect balance of comfort and style whenever, wherever possible. There are many times at work where I look around and see everyone all uptight and shit in their “suits” and “clean clothes” and I can’t help think, “goddamn I want some diapers and Nike Cortez’s”.
But alas; HR informed me that such attire was “unprofessional”, “lewd” and “ill-fitting due to extreme open-air sack exposure”. An obviously conservative office.
But I do think there’s a limit to such creature comforts in the everyday world, and sadly, some of you ladies are vaulting yourselves over the line.
Don’t believe me? Well then, a quiz is in order. A style quiz, that is, The Kids…style!
Please read the following items closely. Answer each question to the best of your ability.
1. The best way to wear my Ugg boots are:
b. with a skirt, you ass
c. with jeans, silly
d. “why with whatever I’m wearing–they’re multi-purpose boots!”
End of quiz. It was a trick quiz really, because if you were able to answer #1 at all, it means you’re in possession of Ugg boots and therefore you need to be addressed ASAP.
First of all, please remove your Uggs if you’re wearing them now; deputized The Kids…authorities are headed to your place to burn them. Please do not put up a fight as they are authorized to also burn you.
Now, let’s talk for a moment, face-to-face. I want to know you, Ugg-woman. I want to see into your soul. It’s just you and me now, in a room, facing each other like Coolio and Michelle Pfieffer.
I’m worried about you, Ugg-woman. You seem to wear your Uggs around the year with any outfit.
They’re not meant for that.
No, shh, no stop, just listen, please, just hear me out.
I’ve looked this up. I have. Here at The Kids…HQ we have an extensive, cutting-edge, experimental Google system that allows us to see things any and everywhere with just a click of a button.
We call this system “Giggle”.
And through Giggle we were able to identify the person(s) that are socially allowed to sport Uggs and Uggs-like shoeware. We’ve crunched all the data after spending hours Giggling and we’ve concluded the following:
Giggling Data Results:
According to Giggle, the following persons are the only ones ok’ed to wear Uggs around-the-clock:
- Xena, Warrior Princess
- Rainbow Brite
- Ut-Muk, an Eskimo tribal woman
What does this teach us, then? That Uggs are totally fine to wear if you’re a lesbian barbarian, a pre-adolescent Shasta girl or headed into the “main town” to trade whale fat and “adult Eskimo kisses” in exchange for matches and blankets.
Does that really fit you?
You know what constantly wearing Uggs tells the world? Some other possibilities/scenarios:
- “Hello I am from the forests of Endor”.
- “I live under a bridge and collect shiny things.”
- “I enjoy hiding from Gargamel.”
- “How do you make this ‘fire’ you speak of?”
- “I forage for raccoon meat and pine nuts.”
- “I lay with dirty people.”
It also means that you don’t mind that when you take your Uggs off people commonly remark, “did someone just make a hot plate of saurerkraut and fish chips?”.
So it’s time to throw out your foot furs and let them dogs breathe ladies.
So stop making your feet/legs so f-Ugg-ly!
You know, try and get on the good foot.