I watch Jeopardy! as many nights as possible during the week, partly because I can earn Master’s credits for my University of Phoenix program, but also because their mix of pop culture, history and sports questions makes me feel somewhat intelligent.
I usually do pretty well with answering the questions from the comfort of my toilet couch at home, so I actually think that I could hold my own if need be (twss).
But then, I realized there’s one reason why I wouldn’t want to actually appear on Jeopardy!: the “personal anecdote” portion of the show.
You know what I’m talking about; every show there’s that “after the first commercial break” segment where Alex steps down from his Zeus-mantle and talks to the nerds for a moment.
What would I say??????
I imagine stammering as Alex got closer and closer to me, eventually panicking before he even got to me and spurting out, “…IhaveablogIwriteaboutdoodyonmyblogandmymommysaysthatonlybadboystalkabouttheirdoodythoughsoI guessI’monpunishmentnow”– like Ralphie in A Christmas Story talking to the department store Santa.
And then I’d start spanking myself with my joy-buzzer, which wouldn’t be so joyful once I was done.
So I need something interesting and noteworthy that will make me stand out, and get Alex to leave me alone. This is important because after watching the show for many, many years, one of the things that I’ve come to see is that Alex has no qualms with mocking contestants, especially if they’re losing.
Have you ever noticed that?
Like it’ll be Round 2 and Contestant #3, who’s in a distant 3rd with, say, $-1400 and the person will land on the “Daily Double” and Alex’ll be like, “you’ve landed on a ‘Daily Double’. Of course you could really use a ‘Daily Quadruple’ because you’re so far behind, idiot……idiot.”
“Welcome to Final Jeopardy where Molly has $17000, Jason has $8400 and Sean here apparently thinks he’s playing ‘Plinko’.”
So anyway, I’ve devised a story for me to use once I appear on Jeopardy!. It’s right in line with their normal contestants, thus ensuring that I don’t stand out by looking foolish or uninteresting.
The Kids….Presents: “I’m on Jeopardy! I am so smart it hurts for you to look at me”
Commercial break is over and Alex is standing at the series of contestant podiums. He’s wearing a natty grey suit, increasingly ungainly white man fro, and a look that says, “I just want to outlive Pat Sajak”.
(Alex): “We’re back, and before we head into “Double Jeopardy” let’s get to know tonight’s contestants. (looks at index card which is only a series of Papa John’s coupons) The Kids…, it says here that since the age of 11, you’ve been an avid collector of half-naked baby dolls? It also says that you come with free cheesy bread sticks and butter sauce. I’m going to let you explain this.”
(The Kids…, wearing a too-tight orange V-neck sweater exposing mipples*, glasses): “Sure thing, Alex. First
of all, I prefer the term “flesh-exposed dolls” to the rather crude “half-naked”. Anyway, for the last, hm, I’d say 20 years, I’ve collected over 2,234 flesh-exposed dolls. I’ve got all kinds too; Barbie, Cabbage Patch, Rainbow Brite, Negro, Kid Sister, Pussy Cat. It’s really quite impressive.”
(Alex): “And where do you get these dolls from?”
(The Kids…): “Oh, from all sorts of places, Alex. The internet, garage sales, my niece’s room…just gotta have an eye for them and be ready to pounce!”
(Alex): “And these are worth…money?”
(The Kids…): “To you and the rest of society? Oh God no. But to me? Priceless.”
(Alex): “And why do you collect these?”
(The Kids…, shrugging): “Loneliness. Also, there was that time I saw my mother dressed like a doll sitting on Uncle Neighbor’s lap.”
(Alex): “Often such unique hobbies have other members, a group or club if you will. Is there such a group in your town?”
(The Kids…): “No, I am alone. Unless you’d care to join me and start one–”
(Alex): “–Most certainly not.”
(The Kids…): “Then I am alone.” (pulls out flesh-exposed black Barbie doll) “Sorry Ananda, our search for a daddy for you continues.” (kisses doll, places it down in the front of pants)
(Alex): “And did you bring anyone here tonight to support you? Family?”
(The Kids…): “Oh goodness no. My mother’s probably breaking into my place again now trying to re-dress my darlings. But I would like to give a shout-out to me because I’m Tivo-ing this. Hi me! Go to bed now!” (waves at camera)
(Alex): “Moving on. Michelle is from Washington, D.C. Michelle, it says here that you’re a psychotic dictator posing as a superintendent….