The economy has now taken its toll on the biggest name victim yet.
Michael Jackson’s things are going up for sale. The entire Neverland Ranch and all the things inside of it are up for auction in April. This, my friends, is the end of a legacy. The Neverland Ranch has long been one of my favoritest ranches:
- Rosemary’s P***y Ranch
- Cool Ranch (Dorito’s)
- Barn None Dude Ranch (the ranch they used for “Hey Dude”)
- Neverland Ranch
And now, what with the Chris Tucker-assisted albums and the Neverland “Pajama Nights” that were weirdly more “Nicklelodeon Studios” than “Studio 54”, he’s got to give it all up and move back into the Jackson Estate, where he’ll most likely have to share a bed with LaToya. And Joe Jackson.
I’ve long said that more than the Osborns….more than the Hogans….more than Run’s House…..there should be a reality show about the Jacksons. As a matter of fact, there should be a channel dedicated to airing the Jacksons, Bobby/Whitney and Amy Winehouse 24/7 via hidden webcams. I think that this can at least become the new “TV One” since it’s currently a collection of “Black People Playing Poker” shows, and “TV One Presents: All of Della Reese’s Movies”.
Tell me you wouldn’t watch this channel at least 4.78 hours a day and I’ll slap you with the glitter-glove I’m getting from Neverland.
Anyway, yes, Michael’s possessions are going up for sale and they’ll be open to the public for bidding. This whole event should really be captured on TV, too; as a matter of fact, if “Antique Roadshow” would air this, instead of their usual “My great-great-grandmother’s Negress midwife sowed this pantaloon for Lincoln” I’d be a fan of the show for life.
You’d think Mike would just post a series of ads on Craigslist:
- 20 YEAR OLD CHIMP NEEDS NEW HOME. VERY VERY LOVING AND CARING. DOES NOT BITE, BUT SUCKLES SWEETLY. WILL PLAY, SLEEP AND WASH YOU. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY. CAN ALSO FIND CHIMP/OWNER IN ‘CASUAL ENCOUNTERS’
- ADULT-SIZED, MICKEY MOUSE DECORATED BUNK BEDS FOR SALE. COMES ON WITH SHEETS, JERMAINE
But no, he”s using an auction house instead.
So, in greedy anticipation, I’ve set my iPod to “Off the Wall” and I’m sharing with you some of the choice items that will be on the auction block next month. Don’t say The Kids…doesn’t do anything for you. Take a look:
The Kids….Presents: MJ’s Weird Shit You May or May Not Want to Buy:
- the Elephant Man’s body(Joseph Merrick)
- the Elephant Man’s body, reggae artist
- His and Chimp “Home Alone” themed sippy-cups
- “King of Pop” throne (bid currently placed by J. Timberlake)
- “autographed” complete set of “Bananas in Pajamas” DVDs
- pool table; Please note: all the billiard balls have been re-colored to white
- original Captain Eo uniform, Please note: “gently worn” in the seat
- original black face, circa 1965
- original black face, circa 1984
- box labeled “P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Things)”. Box includes Macauly Culkin, Webster “ass as is”
- swing set
- Elizabeth Taylor, “as is”
- assorted collection of discarded glitter gloves; glitter specks missing inside of palms
- Copy of “Smooth Criminal Leaning For Dummies”
- His (adult-sized) and Chimp matching footsie pajamas. Please note: Chimp set worn in crotch-area
- Remainder of lifetime membership to NAMBLA; please note: membership comes with NAMBLA Members-only punch-card towards 1/2 off boys underwear
- giant-sized painting of Joe Jackson’s face (item no. 541 “Man in the Mirror”)
- “Beat It” jacket (stained)
And there you have it. You can view the actual catalogs here.
If you act fast enough, you can probably get all sorts of other useless shit, too. Like Janet.