Low Circulation

While most of you were busy reading the “Twilight” series (and being secretly tracked by Chris Hanson and the “Dateline” team) some of us have been reading the rampant fears about the ever-decreasing lifespan of the standard newspaper.

What's more likely to crash: Your Dell or the Philly Inquirer?

What's more likely to crash: Your Dell or the Philly Inquirer?

Circulation is getting lower than a freshman girl during Rush Week.

For most of us, this is indeed old news: I mean, who gets their news from an actual newspaper nowadays anyway?

At this point, I only associate actual newspapers the following ways:

–“USA Today”-styled doormats for your hotel room. It’s something to give your hooker when if she reads. “Hey, why don’t you see what’s up with Putin, nowadays, tramp? Now ged out.”

–blankets for hobos.

–ironic dunce caps for illiterate kids

But that being said, I’m going to miss the traditional newspaper, whose gradual disappearing act is akin to Eddie Murphy’s career: once meteorically important to all of us and now embarrassingly out-dated and hooking up with trannys.

Now the only important thing black and white and red all over will be Obama with a nosebleed.

The last known sighting of a "newspaper".

The last known sighting of a "newspaper".

Anyway, here are the ways/reasons I’ll miss the newspaper:

–it’s hard to roll-up a laptop and beat your puppy

–doing the crossword puzzle in pen really f*cks up your screen

HE'LL never want for emergency t.p. Try THAT, Apple.

HE'LL never want for emergency t.p. Try THAT, Apple.

–the kid from the “Paperboy” arcade game is out of work, but now you can play him online. For free.

–street vendors can’t wrap soulvaki, gyros and hot dogs in laptops and may have to resort to using copies of “Perfect 10” instead

–taking a dump: shitting with a laptop on your knees isn’t fun. Plus, if no one wants to use the newspaper once it’s been in the bathroom….

So I salute you, Philadelphia Inquirer, Washington Post, New York Times, Trenton Times.

Goodbye Marmaduke, Family Circus, Spider-Man, Apartment 3-D (or whatever it’s called) and Peanuts.

Hello nytimes.com, washpost.com, with tabbed gmail.com, espn.com, hotornot.com, people.com, tmz.com, mileycyrusfanclub.com, idealist.org, youtube.com, mtv.com, gchat, Twitter.com, Facebook.com and, of course, kidsdontgetit.wordpress.com.

At least there’s no ink on your fingers now.



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4 responses to “Low Circulation

  1. Michelle

    Dude, Perfect 10 is no more, they stopped publishing that last year. In my line of work I need to know these things =)

  2. The Kids....

    yeah, right…..b/c of your “line of work”

  3. bshane

    Arrgghh … this is a major stressor for me, but it’s the truth. I really hope things don’t completely fall apart, but at this point keeping tabs on the news business is like watching a sandcastle on the edge of a rising tide. Oh well. There’s always law school … where I could maybe get a job as a janitor.

  4. trejohns

    to the poster that took the time to write in and write the slur, please don’t write in like that again

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