…but my best zombie’s Black!

When I was younger (29), I played video games non-stop on the weekends in my room at my folks house. Occasionally my mom would come in and try to talk to me, but I’d be so engrossed in the game that I’d blindly bark, “BITCH JUST PUT MY PORK ROLL SANDWICH OUTSIDE THE DOOR”, and then I’d turn and see it was my mom and so I’d be like, “BITCH JUST PUT MY PORK ROLL SANDWICH OUTSIDE THE DOOR.” and then she’d close the door and I’d mumble, “ya old bitch”. Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking: momma’s boy.

So with the many years and hours I’ve logged under my belt in the gaming world, I’m quite familiar with the terrain since about, oh, 1985 or so. I knew Nintendo when it came with Robbie the Robot….I remember Golden Axe and Altered Beast….I remember when Double Dragon was considered violent….I rode Yoshi before he was Mario Kart character.

Chris Redfield helps Sheva Alomar make it out of the ghetto.

Chris Redfield helps Sheva Alomar make it out of the ghetto.

But one series I never got into was Resident Evil. It’s a series of video games pitting you against a mindless horde of zombies determined to bite, claw and scratch you into submission. It was like dating Marv Albert over and over again.

Well, over the years the series evolved slightly to keep up with the times, replacing rotting, dragging zombies with actual people. Their last game (which I actually played) involved playing as rogue badass, Leon (the white male protagonist) and going to a Spanish village and blasting the Don Quixote out of everyone you saw as they drunkenly ambled towards you gibbering away in some non-Applebee’s language.

While it was undoubtedly a lot of fun, Resident Evil 4 (which I like to call Resident Evil: Rise of the Minuteman) was also mildly disturbing to play too; since none of the folks looked like zombies, it felt like shooting Spaniards.

Time to take a long ciesta, amigos! White power!

Time to take a long ciesta, amigos! White power!

But fortunately Capcom (Resident Evil’s game company) has come to their senses and with their latest installment.

This time, in Resident Evil 5, the location has changed to Kijuju.

Where’s Kijuju, you ask?

In Africa.

So this time, you’re the white guy dropped into an African village.

Sweet Marcus Garvey is this shit crazy.

You do get a sidekick on this adventure, too: a mixed girl named Sheva Alomar (her name sounds like she’s from the village of “DeBarge”), who’s probably a result of the first Resident Evil hero’s visit to Kijuju years before. Anyway, Halle Berry Queen Sheva is armed and ready to be your ride-or-die chick as you traverse the savage wild climes of Africa.

Sheva ponders: which role is worse? This or Monster's Ball?

Sheva ponders: which role is worse? This or Monster's Ball?

This means that she’ll be in harm’s way with you, though she’ll be pelted with screams of “Uncle Tom!” while your character is dodging arms, limbs, 40oz’s and the occasional projectile monkey I’m guessing. Or, she’ll use her magical Mulatto powers to distract the villagers.

I went to a nearby game store and read the back of the box to make sure that I had an accurate description. While I stood by a TV playing a demo of the game over and over, I read the following:

Dropped into the middle of a warzone, you’re on your own in an elaborate game of cat-and-mouse-like survival. Everywhere you turn, a dark-skinned local threatens to catch you and harm you. Armed with nothing but a standard-issue pistol and the law, you’re only chance to make it out is to think of your survival first, doing whatever it takes.”

….but it turns out that that was the new “Hannah Montana: LA’s Finest!” videogame, so I picked up the Resident Evil box, which read:

“Remember that time your sister brought home ‘Marcus’ from college? Remember that time you played ball and all the ‘boys’ there referred to you as ‘John Stockton’? Remember that time you moved into a gated community and then you saw all the Johnsons, Williams, Andersons and Jacksons and wondered if someone left the gate open? Yeah, we do too. White pow

RE-5: Sambo, meet Rambo

RE-5: Sambo, meet Rambo


So, I played the game for a few minutes. First of all, it looks amazing. Totally life-like, like you’re inside of a cheesy big-budget action movie.

When you successfully shot villagers during the game, your character occasionally says some inane things like:

  • “Forget apartheid; I’m having a-party here!”
  • “…and this is how Stella Got Her Bullet Back!”
  • The Wire’s overrated!”
  • “Bingo, mandingo!”
  • “….stop lowering my property value!”
  • “OJ!”
  • “I’ve just made you a hotel reservation–Hotel Rwanda!”

Sadly, Resident Evil 5: Gentrification is most likely going to sell a bajillion games this month. Hell, I bought a copy before I left.

Sure, the villagers are still infected with some sort of zombie-virus, but if you really wanted to shoot scores of mindless people, I’d suggest that they make the next Resident Evil‘s a bit more realistic by doing Resident Evil 6: The GOP Convention or, Resident Evil 6: Delta Sigma Kappa Shot in their Ass.

Resident Evil 5 is available in stores starting March 13th, after years of extensive test-gaming for LAPD training institutes.



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4 responses to “…but my best zombie’s Black!

  1. grids

    Laughing self into zombie-like stupor.
    Don’t shoot me!
    (“Bingo Mandingo”!?!)

  2. Pingback: The Kids….turns 120! « The Kids Don’t Get It: pop culture and stuff

  3. i always get my hotel reservations in advance specially during peak seasons;*;

  4. i always make sure that i got a hotel reservation at least 1 week in advance to ensure that i got a reservation ;’.

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