So Virgin Mobile has decided to be the Supreme Court of Music for all of us. In what’s perhaps the weirdest thing I’ve heard of this week, the company is starting a music movement where they’re bringing music criminals “to justice” .
The Right Music Wrongs campaign’s mission is to bring to justice all the music artists who have created musical attrocities over the years. Users send in
suggestions in that ever-savvy interactive-internet way. So far, the list includes Souljah Boy (justified), the Jonas Bros (no one over 13 should have so strong an opinion about the Jo-Bros, though) and David Hasselhoff (which just seems childish). Anyway, their spotlit artist is the original Eminem, Vanilla Ice.
He’s on the main page complete with an interview (I didn’t watch) and a “trial” with him apologizing to music fans. For what, though? And don’t turn into one of those ass-hats that’s like “Because he did ‘Ice Ice Baby’ ” because when it came out, literally everyone and their mother knew that song. Shit when it comes on at parties and bars people still sing along, though they try and sell it as “I’m ironically singing along, not really singing along and just happen to know all the words to this song because I really think it’s lame I mean yeah I used to own the cassette and all but still” kind of sing-a-long.
And I guarantee you that if you go to your local Karaoke Night, there’s at least one white person going to perform it.
As a matter of fact, the only real crime that I can think of Ice committing is making those black dudes dance in that dark-ass Blair Witch-style basement in the video.
I’ll even defend his appearance in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: the Secret of the Ooze; is his “Ninja Rap” appearance any more groan-inducing than the host of music artist appearances in movies over the last couple years? Have you seen Beyonce’ in Goldmember or The Pink Panther?
Anyway, I think it’d be fun to get some of the artists that I think really deserve to apologize to all of us. So, armed with nothing but a gun I’ve gone out and convinced the following artists to submit public apologies.
The Kids…Presents: Write the F*cking Apology Letter You Talent-less Hack:
Also, sorry for Fergie.
And selling out hip-hop.
And stealing Cyndi Lauper’s wardrobe.
Support Barack Obama 2013!
Dear Ella Fitzgerald and Etta James,
Duffy, Adele and Amy Winehouse
p.s. if it makes you feel any better, Amy’s got track marks between her fingers, toes and teeth
Dear All of Y’all,
Yeah, I was awesome in ‘Ray’ but I’m sorry for crossing into “creepy uncle still at the club talking to your girlfriends” stage. I’m also sorry for squandering my Oscars good faith by making ‘Stealth’. Also, don’t forget that I made ‘Booty Call’ and take my daughter on dates to help woo women into my bed. Please accept this glamor shot as an offering.
Bad Boy 4-eva,
My dearest American blokes,
So sorry and all that for a great many things. For example, I am sorry for showing my poor tuck-job in the “4 Minutes” video with your American pop prince, Justin Timberlake. I am also sorry for flying around in my aeroplane and snatching up brown babies. What can I say, love? ‘Twas fun and I’d do it again. The little wanker irons like the Queen Mum’s life depended on it. I’m also sorry for ‘Swept Away’–it was a terrible remake of the movie that I intended to commemorate, ‘King Ralph’. Lastly, I am so very, very sorry for this fake-ass British accent that I’ve adopted. I realize that it’s aesthetically pretentious and fucntionally useless, but I like to think it helps people forget that I was a tramp raised in Detroit that used to sleep with Dennis Rodman and Sandra Bernhart.
God save the Queen,
Ok, so a couple of things that I’m sorry for that I should, like, really address:
1. I’m sorry that L.A.M.B. was so L.A.M.E.
3. I’m REALLY sorry, not just in the “I apologize” sense, but also in the “I’m a pathetic excuse for an artist/ignorant human being” for thinking it was cool to surround myself with a posse of giggling, submissive, seen-but-not-heard Asian women that I dressed in ridiculous garb and made do vaguely stereotypical things in my music videos and various public appearances. I didn’t use white girls because they’re everywhere and I want the spotlight on me, and I couldn’t use any other group here in the U.S. because, well, they’d probably riot. Holla-back Kitty!
This isn’t what I meant when I said that I’d make hits. Shout out to the Nick Teen Choice Awards.