One of the things that I don’t like about comic books is that, in general, the characters will never age. This doesn’t happen, of course, for several very obvious reasons, the #1 reason being that characters like Superman, Batman and Spiderman are worth too much money to dick around with. Besides, at 80, Supes would be more the Man of Rust than the Man of Steel and that wouldn’t be fun, would it?

So instead we get this constant limbo-dom of non-aging. Peter Parker will always be a 20-something, broke-ass, wise-cracking photographer living withi Aunt “Oops I Crapped My Pants” May, and his wife Mary Jane.

And instead Batman’s “young wards” never have to grow out of their NAMBLA-approved age limit of “precious pre-teen/teen” years to fight crime and hang out in caves in their underwear.

And Joe Q. Dork never has to face his own ever-present mortality while his heroes stay static.

And for all intents and purposes, cartoons have been the same way too. Bugs continues to discover himself through cross-dressing and kissing Elmer Fudd. Daffy continues to labor as the belligerent black duck never getting his due, and Uncle Scrooge continues to gleefully endanger the lives of Huey, Dewey and Louie–while secretly stealing kisses from his lover, Launchpad.

It’s all a duck-blur, really.


Dora's cousin, Emilio, hooks up with Betty once Dora decides to take "a darker road"

But now someone’s finally brave enough to buck the trend. Recently, Nickelodeon and Mattel announced that they’re changing beloved character Dora-the-Explorer by aging her into her tweens. Now, I’ve never seen Dora’s cartoon show before; my Latino fictional characters are limited to Carmen Sandiego and that drunk Mexican racing rat, Speedy Gonzalez, so I don’t have much of an opinion, though I think it’s weird that someone thinks it’s ok that this little Latino girl can hang out with shady-ass characters like “Swiper the Fox” and “Boots the Monkey” both of whom sound like they play craps and shank.

But whatever.

Anyway, parents are all in a tizzy because this new Dora has been fast-forwarded into her middle school years, and if you’ve ever been to a middle school nowadays, you know that it’s the training/breeding ground for freaks.

Shit, I remember my middle school years and I’ve since attended bachelor parties that were tamer than the middle school bathroom.


Dora goes from "baby fat" to "baby phat"

So, with this in mind, parents look at this new Dora, what with her cankle-revealing capris, her flirtatiously-cinched top and skanky “Claire’s” jewelry and see that Dora-the-Explorer has now become Dora-the-Whore-a.

And it’s understandable. The graduation rate for many non-White students in the U.S. are in the toilet and have been for years. So this means that Dora’s path might be like this:

  • Dora-the-Explorer goes to a slumber party with Boots
  • Dora leaves the party the next day and in school, rumors quickly spread that at the party she was more “Dora-the-Humpa”
  • 9 months later, Dora drops out of school and becomes Dora-the-Single-Motha
  • Dora has baby, lives at home and skanks around the neighborhood now; this is her “Dora-the-Chicken-Head-a” phase, until…
  • Dora re-enrolls in school, graduates high school and has eyes for college but can’t afford it (by then we’re talking about the year 2024 when college will cost about $1,000,000/year –too much for anyone Black, Asian, Latino–not even whites. Only the recently discovered Martians at that time will be able to afford college) so she….
  • becomes a stripper named “Sandy-A-Ho” so she can start “saving money for college”, managed by Swiper the Foxx

    As Sandy-A-Ho, Dora cashes in on her celebrity to dance for high-profile cilients

    As Sandy-A-Ho, Dora cashes in on her celebrity to dance for high-profile cilients

  • Dora tires of stripping, becomes Nicole “I’ll be any ethnicity you want me to be” Shrezinger’s replacement on “The Pussycat Dolls”, now managed by Boots  the Monkey

I wonder if they’ll make a doll for every phase?


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