So in the midst of researching something for work, I came across a host of celebrity-associated foundations, like the Kanye West Foundation (“proudly supporting the educational efforts of Bush-hated blacks since 2004”), Don Imus’ “Imus Ranch” (“proudly supplying combs to every nappy-head in the New Brunswick/Newark N.J. area”) and Rosie O’Donnell’s “For All Kids Foundation” (“desperately doing something before I fade back into K-Mart commerical obscurity”).
really f*cking our shit up” to “save a horse, ride a Cowboy Troy instead. And then shoot him.”–ok, so the last one is a foundation that I’m trying to start-up, but still.
It’s no surprise then, that the Whitney Houston Foundation, in real life, has the following posted in bold print on the main page:
Until further notice, The Whitney Houston Foundation For Children will not be accepting grant applications.
Curious, I did some investigating to find out just why the foundation wasn’t accepting applications right now. I mean, I know that because of the economy a lot of foundations aren’t offering much funding right now. But then I remembered who was in charge of this foundation:
So I decided that I’d better investigate further.
And boy am I glad that I did.
Turns out that the foundation was systematically drained of its assests over the last couple of years due to a bizarre series of proposals that were funded by teh foundation. I got my hands on few of them for you to see what I mean.
“dEaR mE MiZz HutoN,
pLez giVe me an BobBbbbbBy $5 ilLioN moNey to bUild sUpeR scools for thESe black kiz here.
we wiLl builT it wiTh the help of diNNOsorz, sUperManand Mariah CaREY.
Proposal #2 (submitted during the brief period of time that Whitney’s mom, Cissy, was in charge of the foundation. This was awarded $500,000. 3x. Per year.):
can u please write a big check for me an’ bobby to open up a house here down south? we are tring to help clean the streets of drugs, so we want to build a house for evereony in the neirhborhood to dump their sweaet, wseet cocaine in one place moomma.
magine that momma: al thar coaince in one plaace. saef from cops kids. thanx moma, bobbby says hiiiiiiiiiii
So, on the off-chance that they might actually have a bit of money left despite their website’s warning, I submitted two applications:
The first one was for partial funding of a student leadership trip to Colorado. Surprisingly, I actually got a response in a week! The sad thing though, that this was their response:
The Whitney Houston Foundation does not possess monetary funds to award proposals at this time. However, the board was impressed with your proposal, and so have awarded you the following to cook and sell.”
Bizarre? Not as bizarre as the response to my second proposal, which sought funding for purchasing library books.
Thank you for your proposal. The Whitney Houston Foundation is currently not funding proposals at this time. However, we will suck your d*ck for $3. Please contact us immediately. Ask for ‘Shoop shoop’.