Houston Rocket

So in the midst of researching something for work, I came across a host of celebrity-associated foundations, like the Kanye West Foundation (“proudly supporting the educational efforts of Bush-hated blacks since 2004”), Don Imus’ “Imus Ranch” (“proudly supplying combs to every nappy-head in the New Brunswick/Newark N.J. area”) and Rosie O’Donnell’s “For All Kids Foundation” (“desperately doing something before I fade back into K-Mart commerical obscurity”).

There were even a host of country-music stars foundations with missions ranging from “making sure the only ‘Black’ I see is Clint Black” to “Darius Rucker is

"Is that Hootie?!...This sh*t is f*cking with my mind."

"I KNOW that is not Hootie singing country...what's that fool on??!!"

really f*cking our shit up” to “save a horse, ride a Cowboy Troy instead. And then shoot him.”–ok, so the last one is a foundation that I’m trying to start-up, but still.

But by far, my favoritest foundation that I came across had to be the Whitney Houston Foundation. The WHF, which oddly enough looks like “WTF” if you’re reading too fast, is awesome.
First of all, it’s named after Whitney Houston, who’s about as lucid and bright as Roller Girl from Boogie Nights. I mean, can you imagine that? Submitting a proposal to Whitney Houston?
I can’t even imagine what this process looks like.
Knowing Whitney, it probably meant actually submitting the proposal in person; a distinct possibility since the website notes that they only accept written proposals.
In 2009.
When they already have a website.
Anyway, I think the process would involve taking your handwritten to the Foundation’s office (located in Newark, NJ–a city that passes out crack like it’s The Watchtower), where Bobby Brown, dressed like one of those flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz, escorts you to Whitney’s office where she’s sitting on top of a stack of busted VCR’s, boomboxes and water-stained copies of The Preacher’s Wife.
I imagine Whitney’s there with one of those Burger King crowns on, sucking the marrow out of a chicken leg and wearing a T-shirt that says, “I’m Your Baby 2-nite: for $5”. When she sees Bobby, she yells, “THE F*CK YOU DOING HERE, BOBBY. WE ARE DONE. I TOLD YOU WE’RE DONE–” and she pulls out a knife and the two of them circle each other like dogs and saying “Shoo, shoop, shoop, shoop be oop” before they collide and make crack love on the floor in front of you.
At some point (because you’re still watching–unless you watch VH1 a lot, you don’t get to see crackheads mating much), she turns to you and says, “Leave your paper on the VCR over there. You’re funded. And tell others what you saw here today, baby.”

Bobby and Whitney's New Jack Sling back in the 90s

Bobby and Whitney's New Jack Sling back in the 90s

It’s no surprise then, that the Whitney Houston Foundation, in real life, has the following posted in bold print on the main page:

Until further notice, The Whitney Houston Foundation For Children will not be accepting grant applications.

Curious, I did some investigating to find out just why the foundation wasn’t accepting applications right now. I mean, I know that because of the economy a lot of foundations aren’t offering much funding right now. But then I remembered who was in charge of this foundation:

Whitney Houston

So I decided that I’d better investigate further.

And boy am I glad that I did.

Turns out that the foundation was systematically drained of its assests over the last couple of years due to a bizarre series of proposals that were funded by teh foundation. I got my hands on few of them for you to see what I mean.

Proposal #1:

“dEaR mE MiZz HutoN,

pLez giVe me an BobBbbbbBy $5 ilLioN moNey to bUild sUpeR scools for thESe black kiz here.

we wiLl builT  it wiTh the help of diNNOsorz, sUperManand Mariah CaREY.

tahnk u,

NOT ME”

Proposal #2 (submitted during the brief period of time that Whitney’s mom, Cissy, was in charge of the foundation. This was awarded $500,000. 3x. Per year.):

“momMa,

can u please write a big check for me an’ bobby to open up a house here down south? we are tring to help clean the streets of drugs, so we want to build a house for evereony in the neirhborhood to dump their sweaet, wseet cocaine in one place moomma.

magine that momma: al thar coaince in one plaace. saef from cops kids. thanx moma, bobbby says hiiiiiiiiiii

whintey”

So, on the off-chance that they might actually have a bit of money left despite their website’s warning, I submitted two applications:

The first one was for partial funding of a student leadership trip to Colorado. Surprisingly, I actually got a response in a week! The sad thing though, that this was their response:

“Dear Applicant,

The Whitney Houston Foundation does not possess monetary funds to award proposals at this time. However, the board was impressed with your proposal, and so have awarded you the following to cook and sell.”

sugar_mound

Bizarre? Not as bizarre as the response to my second proposal, which sought funding for purchasing library books.

“Dear Applicant,

Thank you for your proposal. The Whitney Houston Foundation is currently not funding proposals at this time. However, we will suck your d*ck for $3. Please contact us immediately. Ask for ‘Shoop shoop’.

Sincerely,

Bobby Brown”

Geez, WHF?

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