I’m starting to think that I curse too much, and I think it’s starting to really influence the people around me.
Lately I’ve been cursing everywhere: on the toilet, at work, in libraries.
Sometimes I use it when it doesn’t even call for it. It’s become part of my everyday vernacular. Like, I’ll order a pizza:
(Papa John’s): Good evening and thanks for calling Papa John’s where we microwave our pizzas at room temperature just for you. Would you like our special 7 pizzas and 40 meat-breads with cheese for only $9.99? You can add bacon for only $.99 more.
(The Kids…): Yeah hey f-cking Papa John. I’m f-cking hungry, godd@mn hungry.
(Papa John’s): What would you like then? We have–
(The Kids…): Yeah I got your roasting over a spit, you pig-f-cker. I’m out. You give me doo-doo shits.
So I embarked on a quest to find a means to turn my mouth from dirty to flirty. I am too lazy to get a ‘book’ so I turned on the TV. First person I saw was Joel Osteen, the quack TV evangelist who preaches from a gold-plated Segway in one of those mega-churches that looks like they double for spaceships.
No luck there.
Eventually I found my way onto one of those old-school cartoon channels and discovered the perfect solution:
I totally forgot that the Smurfs talk in their own Smurf-language from time-to-time. It’s like they had lapses in code-switching or something.
Like the episode I watched, “Papa (Smurf) Was a Rolling Stone”. The episode opens with Papa Smurf, the only one allowed to wear a pimp hat in the Smurf ghetto, leaving Smurfette’s mushroom house.
He’s hitching his footsie-pants back up as Vanity Smurf and Brainy Smurf are standing around with some Smurf extras that will later be clawed and eaten by Azrael. Papa gives them this sheepish grin as they all stop talking and look at him.
Brainy Smurf says, “Well Papa Smurf, you sure look tired. What’d you just do?”
And Papa Smurf says, “I just got done Smurfing my Smurfing brains out, Brainy.”
Brainy says, “You mean with Smurfette, Papa Smurf?”
And Papa Smurf says, “No, with a Gummi Bear, Brainy–yes, with Smurfette, you Smurf-hole. Smurfette does some of the craziest Smurf I’ve ever Smurfing seen in my life. I’m getting too old for this Smurf, my little Smurfs.”
About 10 seconds later, Gargamel shows up and steps on 1/2 of the Smurfs there before Handy Smurf shows up with a machete and chases Gargamel out of the village. End of episode (they’re only like 3mins long).
Or that other episode, the one where the Smurfs go around spreading that disease by biting each other on the ass. You know the one; each time one of them got bit, they turned purple and angry and ran around biting others on the ass.
At one point Vanity Smurf, who was always calm and constantly looking in the mirror because he was high on ‘E’, gets bit and he drops his mirror and screams, “WHAT THE SMURF? NO, NO REALLY WHAT THE SMURF DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING? YOU JUST BIT ME ON THE TAIL YOU SMURF-SMURFER. I SHOULD TAKE THIS MIRROR AND SHOVE IT SO FAR UP YOUR SMURF–” and then the disease overtakes him.
So what did I learn?
1. That if I’m ever in the neighberhood to knock on Smurfette’s door. 3 apples high or not, she can clearly put it on someone like Papa Smurf.
2. That the Smurfs have a universal system for swearing that’s gone through a series of incarnations before becoming the present-day word, “jawn” (sadly(?), only very few of you will be familiar with this term).
So that’s what I’m going to start doing now; I’m going to replace my swear words with “Smurf”.
It’s great for all ranges of emotion, too, like:
- Love: “Baby, I Smurf-ing love you.”
- Anger: “I will seriously Smurf your Smurf up.”
- Dismissal: “Smurf please.”
- Bewilderment: “So get this; this Smurf has the nerve to come over to me and say “no, you’re fired” and I’m like, ‘Smurf, what the Smurf are you on?’. I mean, can you believe that? Smurf.”
- Terms of Endearment: “You my Smurf, dog.”
See? You can yell all of those til you’re blue in the face.
So starting tomorrow, that’s how I’m going to start talking.
You know what? Smurf that. I’m starting today.