The Kids….are just Biden time on Twitter

Uh-oh. I’m looking at my Rol-y and it’s about that time, for Uncle Joe Biden to drop some lines.

I’ve reported in the past on the Twitter-ings of Amy Winehouse and Angelina Jolie, but this week we’re checking in on everyone’s favorite drunken uncle–Uncle Joe Biden!

I was only somewhat shocked to learn that Uncle Joe had a Twitter account; after all, I always imagine that Uncle Joe spends most cabinet meetings with his feet propped-up on the table, eating Twizzlers and launching NERF missiles at Rahm.

Something like that.

Anyway, I thought it’d be fun to share with you the latest Twitter-ings of Joe Biden, V.P. of the U.S.A. and Chair of the White House No Sissies Club.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Uncle Joe.

The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: SAY UNCLE!

11:14pm: HOT JAM ON TOAST I’M V.P. HALLELUJAH FALLUJAH THIS IS SWEET

YOU THINK YOU'RE REAL FUNNY DON'T YOU? YEAH, THEY'LL GET U 1ST

YOU THINK YOU'RE REAL FUNNY DON'T YOU? YEAH, THEY'LL GET U 1ST

11:17pm: NO REALLY I DONT THINK YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND THIS JOB IS FRIGGIN’ SWEET. I JUST HAD CAP’N CRUNCH IN THE OVAL OFFICE. CAP’N CRUNCH! THEY DONT EVEN MAKE THAT CEREAL ANYMORE BUT I SAID DAMN I WANT SOME CAP’N CRUNCH AND-SHAZAM!-SOMEONE BRINGS ME CAPN CRUNCH LOVE THIS JOB THANK YOU DELAWARE

11:24pm: SO BARACKY’S ALL UPSET ABOUT THAT ASSHAT SISSIE ASKING ABOUT OUR PROGRESS LAST NIGHT. SISSIE. I SAYS TO BARACKY I SAYS TO HIM U WANT THAT I PUT THAT JAG-OFF IN A HEADLOCK BOSS? AND HE’S ALL NO NO JOE WE CANT HAVE THAT BUT I SAY BALONEY TO THAT BALONEY SO I’M GETTING HIM ANYWAY I’M WAITING IN HIS BUSHES NOW

11:34pm STILL WAITING IN BUSHES JUST PEED ON HIS DOG REMINDER AMERICANS: CURB YOUR DOGS

11:45pm: GOT’IM. HE’S IN A SACK OVER MY SHOULDER CRYIN

12:00am: ei549wij4n5lkm70s9-ids49w-4jjgsmbs=-0vini3q93-v8a0an3-q9z797363ob2b66n20aann80afn80-283q535onanfan.n.n2–8ina3qp0a==kafmn931-9-gngamapntwog48wq3i5on4-95-9nsn3qn35/sg-g9-=awa924no

12:02am: KNOW WHAT THAT WAS? THAT WAS ME BANGING THAT SISSIE’S FACE ON MY KEYBOARD. I LEARNED’IM, I LEARNED’IM REAL GOOD MESS WITH BARACKY U GET THE BIDEN BULLRUSH

12:15am: HAD SECRET SERV DROP WHINY BOY OFF AT HOME AGAIN. WORK TO DO RIGHT NOW; CONVINCED BOSSMAN THAT WE NEED AN X-FILES OFFICE SO BARACKY PUT ME IN CHARGE OF A COMMISSION INVESTIGATING ZOMBIE ATTAX. THEY EAT BRAINS YOU KNOW. CRAZY!

6:05am: FELL ASLEEP WATCHIN’ THE WATCHMEN IN TEH OVAL OFFICE. AWESOME MOVIE. IT’S GOT A HUGE BLUE GUY NAKED WITH A BIG WEINER. WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN?

I'M TELLING U HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE. THE GUY'S DOODLE-STICK MUSTA BEEN THIS BIG AT LEAST. MAYBE BIGGER!

I'M TELLING U HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE. THE GUY'S DOODLE-STICK MUSTA BEEN THIS BIG AT LEAST. MAYBE BIGGER!

JOE BIDEN DOES!

7:11am: JUST HAD PIZZA FOR BFAST BEST JOB EVER

7:14am: JUST SCHEDULED TO DO AN INTERVIEW WITH CONNIE CHUNG FOR MSNBC. CANT WAIT GOING TO GET TO USE MY LINE ON HER: SO WHAT’RE YOU DOING TONITE CONNIE? NOTHING, HUH? HOW ABOUT U LET ME WANG-CHUNG TONITE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NEWT LOVES THAT JOKE

8:44am: BIG MEETING TO TALK ABOUT STIMULUS PACKAGE AND RECESSION SOLUTIONS. MY SUGGESTION TO THE COMMITTEE? PUT A RING ON IT! GET IT? BEYONCE SONG

8:57am ON MY WAY UP CAPITOL HILL TO MEETING. I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT REMEMBERED THAT I SAID TODAY IS ‘FUNNY HAT DAY’. I HAVE A VIKING HAT

9:07am: ME BARACKY AND DOUBLE-D’S-PELOSI ARE ALL SITTIN TOGETHER. I LVE THIS IT’S LIKE WE’RE THE AMERICAN IDOL JUDGES. SHE’S SIMON BARACKY’S PAULA AND I’M RANDY. LET’S DO THIS MEETING DOGS!

9:08am: BORING MEETING. DRAW FUNNY PICTURES OF NANCY AND HILLARY HUGGIN AND KISSIN EACH OTHER PELOSI’S SAYING ‘UR SO HOT’ TO HILLARY AND I GOT HILLARY SAYING ‘OOH BABY BABY’. HIL’S WEARIN A SOMBRERO I LOVE CARTOONS READ PEANUTS SAVE OUR

MICKEY, EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY, MICKEY. MICKEY'S MY STAND-IN JOE DURING ZOMBIE ATTAX. SAY HI, MICKEY!

MICKEY, EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY, MICKEY. MICKEY'S MY STAND-IN JOE DURING ZOMBIE ATTAX. SAY HI, MICKEY!

NEWSPAPERS

9:10am JSUT SHOWED YM CARTOON TO BARACKY. EVEN HE SMILED AT IT A BIT. LIL’ DEVIL. I’M GETTIN HIM SOME KOOL-AID AND PUDDING FOR LUNCH. MAYBE A LUNCHABLE TOO.

MAYBE!

9:12am: BORING MEETING PLAYING WII BOWLING BARACKY SENT ME OUT TIL IT’S TIME FOR ME TO DO MY ZOMBIE REPORT. I BROUGHT A BAGGIE FULL OF GRAPE JELLY AND HAM TO SMEAR ON MY FACE TO HELP CONVINCE THEM THE ZOMBIE THREAT IS REAL

9:57am GOT BORED SO I JUST WALKED IN THE MIDDLE OF STIMULUS MEETING IN FULL ZOMBIE MAKE’UP AND SAID ‘I AM HERE TO EAT UR BRAINS AND CONSTITUTION’ EVERYONE’S SCREAMIN AND RUNNIG NOW. ZOMBIES ARE REAL TO THEM NOW. VALIDATED. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

10:15am: I GOT A SHIPMENT OF YOO-HOO COMING IN FOR THIS WEEKEND’S SLEEPOVER AT TEH V.P. CRIB. CATCH YA LATER TWITTERS. AND IF YOU SEE ANY ZOMBIES YOU PUNCH’EM IN THE GUT AND TELL’EM UNCLE JOE SAYS HI. JUST MAKE SURE U’VE GOT A BASEBALL CAP ON OR THEY’LL BITE UR BRAINS. OR, PUT A RING ON IT! BEYONCE SONG

BYE!

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1 Comment

Filed under Celebrity-Twitters

One response to “The Kids….are just Biden time on Twitter

  1. grids

    “Deep in the world tonight
    Our hearts beat safe and sound
    I’ll hold you so close
    Just let yourself go down…”

    Go ahead, Uncle Joe, say it!

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