If there’s one thing I hate more than Danny Gokey and the ever-crumbling “Blue-Eyed Soul Patrol” on American Idol it’s Duke University.
As a matter of fact, I hate them so much that I just turned and punched someone as soon as I typed ‘Duke University’.
And now I’ve punched that person again.
Duke is like that kid that you went to school with; the one with the super-nice clothes, sweet-Smurf car and hot girlfriend that everyone wants and is secretly hitting on the side anyway.
Duke is like the world’s biggest country club, 2nd only to the GOP.
As a matter of fact, they’re just like the GOP; they’ll both have some random-Smurf blacks around to try and convince the public that they’re ok with all this “colored people business”.
Their earlier attempts weren’t so hot though; one of their former big basketball stars was a Black guy from Alaska named Trajon Langdon, who sounds like a dime-store detective novel
character, and played like he was terrified of disappointing the grand wizards in the stands. They brought him to Duke U because they figured since he grew up somewhere where it was white, cold and sunny 90% of the time, he’d be fine at Duke.
He’s now in Moscow.
Afterwards, they had Elton Brand, a likeable, big-guy that played hard and did all the right things. I remember this because I’d watch Duke home games sometimes and they’d refer to him as a “work horse” underneath the basket, or a “real lunch-pail player” or sometimes “a big scary Negro, hungry for Caucasian flesh and acceptance”.
He’s now in the NBA.
It pains me too because two of my favoritest people in the world are currently studying at Duke (hello, Power and Cal)–but I’m terrified of setting foot on campus.
I went there once when I was younger, and the admissions officer said, “you’re too small for basketball, but I have a feeling you’d make a fine addition to our ‘Department of Facilities Up-keep”. Here, try holding this ; it’s like a really big pen. There you go. Now dab it in this bucket; it’s like an ink well for your pen! Now move it back and forth. Go up and down the hall a couple of times; try it out. Oh, and empty the trash in my office.”
So I’m a little nervous about going back. I imagine I’ll get there, and walk around and the Dave Matthews Band/Coldplay music that they’re piping quietly through bush-hidden speakers will come to a ripping stop, like in the movies when someone walks into a local diner.
Fast forward to about 20mins later, when you see me racing down Tobacco Road on foot while a Mercedes hatchback chases me down the path with torches, pitchforks, iPhones and chants of “Get back here!”.
I’ll ironically get recruited for the Track team after that.
So anyway, those are parts of a series of reasons why I find it so irksome that people that didn’t even attend Duke are rooting for this team during the NCAA tourney. Some other cool factoids about DU:
- their student recruitment strategy includes showing clips from Birth of a Nation
- most people think that the basketball fans are blue in support of the Blue Devils. They are in fact colored blue to match their nuts; Dukies get no play in college
- undergrads are carted around campus on the backs of homeless people. At DU, this is referred to as “community service”
- every admitted student is given a “Lil’ Arrogant F-cker” kit that includes a book on how to constantly turn your nose up at others and still see where you’re going, a brochure on how to throw off-campus stripper parties and a free copy of “Eskimo Kisses: The Trajan Langdon Story”
Rooting for Duke just doesn’t make sense. Rooting for DU is….I don’t know, evil.
It’s like rooting for the mustache-twisting villain in those old black and white movies.
It’s like rooting for Jimmy Fallon.
It’s like rooting for STD’s.
As a matter of fact, Duke is low, low, low on my list of “Dukes That I’d Cheer For”.
Take a look:
The Kids…List of Dukes That I Enjoy Cheering For:
1. Duke, from GI Joe
2. Daisy Duke, woman
3. Daisy Dukes, shorts
4. Dukes of Hazard
5. Duke of Earl
6. Duke Nuk’em
7. David Duke
666. Duke University
So naturally I’m hoping that they don’t make it to the Final Four this year. I’d love, love, love to see all the Devils sitting on the sideline crying again. Especially if I can get a replay of that classic shot of that lil’ Devil crying when MD teabagged the Blue Devils not too long ago.
It’s shameful how much pleasure I get out of that picture still.
*I apologize to the 8 people punched as a result of this blog entry.