Ladies’ Night

Poor NCAA Women’s Tournament.

It’s the same thing every year, isn’t it? Everyone’s all a-rage about the Men’s tourney going on, detailing all the harrowing stories, the internal conflicts and heart-warming journeys of every Win-derella and Cinderalla to grace the NCAA Men’s Basketball bracket. Meanwhile, the real

This just needs a few more teams....

This just needs a few more teams....

Cinderellas, the NCAA Women’s Tournament continues to wallow in obscurity, it’s heaviest programming competitor being 700 Club.

As a matter of fact, every year I forget there’s even a NCAA Women’s tournament too, until I’m clicking through the channels at some odd-hour and the following happens:

*click*…The Hills…*click*….Chelsea Lately (can’t click fast enough away from that shit)…..*click*….Tyler Perry’s “Minstrel Show” on TBS….*click* (Me): “…why is ESPN8 playing Juwanna Man?….oh wait.”

And then, since I’m a bleeding-heart liberal, I’ll keep it on for 2-3 minutes and watch out of some deluded-guilt-ridden sense of social obligation.

And you know what? It’s never good. Like never.

First of all, all the games look like pre-game warm-ups; everyone’s just running and doing lay-ups the whole time.  It’s like having a direct-feed to a suburban high school’s gym class.

Another nail-biter plays out in front of a near-capacity Tournament crowd.

Another nail-biter plays out in front of a near-capacity Tournament crowd.

Secondly, and I know that there’s plenty of people that have covered this aspect before, but the players are….well….let’s take a different angle on them (something that I’m guessing rarely happens for these women)….the players are….handsome. And I don’t care what you say, that’s a problem.

I mean, have you ever watched a women’s basketball game? It’s like it’s a goofy charity game; they all look like they’re really the mascots for the Men’s teams. I’m pretty sure that at any given time at least 3-5 players on the court has a beak. The rest have, like, fangs or something. I keep waiting for Stuart Scott to tell me “vote now for either Maryland’s Testudo or Georgia’s Hairy Dawg in our Capital One Mascot Bowl! I’m black! Blackety-black-black-black! Hip-hop!”.

Seriously though, this cannot be underscored enough. I don’t understand where they find these women from.

The NCAA tries to be slick by reinforcing these are definitely “ladies” by naming their teams as such….”The Lady Terps”….”The Lady Volunteers”…..but it’s a little suspect when you have to tell people that because when you actually see them, it’s all the more confusing, like when you see other “gender people” like Boy George, Ms. Jaye or Lady Ga-Ga.

So I did some HW and hacked into the NCAA’s recruitment system to find the results.Turns out that I didn’t need to even break into the system; they were desperate for someone, anyone to ask about their Women’s program.

Inside the Lady Volunteers time-out huddle.

Inside the Lady Volunteers time-out huddle.

Anyway, according to their records, here’s a breakdown on where they get most of their recruits from:

  • The Island of Dr. Moreau: 30%
  • Land of the Lost:  30%
  • Long Island: 15%
  • Narnia: 10%
  • the Abominable den, Himalayas: 10%
  • Jurassic Park: 5%

Are you really surprised? Probably not, right?

So anyway, I think there’s some things that they can do to make the tournament watchable or, at the very least, raise the ratings. Here they are:

  • First let’s cut the Women’s program out of the NCAA. Completely. Boom, already things are
    Another rising WNBA star takes it to the hole.

    Another rising WNBA star takes it to the hole.

    better. Now, let’s have them create a different sports division. We’ll call it the National Collegiate Division of Dames–the NCDD. Tell me you won’t get more interest for “the NC double-D”. Half you of out there are getting your Google sweaty just thinking about looking it up now.

  • Come tourney time, take the Men’s structure and tweak it suggestively. Instead of the initial field of 64, add 5 more qualifying teams. You’re now choosing from a field of 69. Boom. More ratings. How fun!
  • Somehow (I’m too lazy to do the math right now), there should be a round of 17 teams and it should be billed as the “NC-17” round.
  • Finally, at first I was going to advocate that there should be trampoline’s to help launch the women into the air so that they can dunk. But then I remembered that that would only be reinforcing the Mascot image again. So, instead, I think they should all be given muzzle-masks, like Hannibal Lecter. To help preserve individuality/personality in the game, players will be allowed to decorate these masks. Some will undoubtedly choose to Bedazzle them, some will apply make-up, and some will adorn the mask with feces and the teeth of fallen opponents. Those will be the players wearing pelts.

Now admittedly, this won’t erase all the ills; many of the players will still have arms and legs exposed, giving the game that same Teen Wolf-type of feel.

I considered adding to this charter the mandate that they all wear Power Ranger-like uniforms too, but I feared that the skin-tight garments might reveal protuberances like scales, tails and dongs that would horrify some, and disqualify many.

Still, it’s a promising start. I’ve already started working down my field of 69 now.

So….how’s your NC-17 looking?



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3 responses to “Ladies’ Night

  1. grids

    wow. didn’t realize how sexist you are. or maybe it’s a phobia?

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