The Low End Theory

The Department of Appropriations (or, the “D.A.”)has continued to thrive and fulfill its mission despite the current economic (it was all a dream, I used to read ‘Word-Up’ magazine) climate.

They’ve been hard at work infiltrating every precious corner of one of my most beloved things in life: hip-hop.

Oh Natalie, what're you doing? Oh, I get it--Funny!

Oh Natalie, what're you doing? Oh, I get it--Funny!

It’s happening everywhere nowadays. Movies, TV, radio….the desperate, flailing (back in the days when I was a teenager, before I had status, and before I had a pager) attempts at hip-hop humor are as omnipresent as the term “stimulus” nowadays.

I mean, I get it; some of the music’s a bit esoteric, some of its impenetrable (twss), maybe even downright confusing……though such terms have also been applied to the sack-kickingly boring music of Bob Dylan too with much different results for people.

So what’s a mainstreamer to do when (why oh why do you fly through the hood, like everybody in the hood is up to no good?) they can’t crack the cool club that all the kids seem to know and love?

Hip-hop's getting stripped bare.

Hip-hop's getting stripped bare.

Why endearingly mock it of course. After all, if you can’t beat’em, rap’em, right?

From Natalie Portman’s SNL Rap, to ‘The Office’ scenes with Michael rapping and dancing, to Flight of the Conchords to Tom Cruise’s role in Tropic Thunder, the D.A.’s sent out a series of minions to help castrate rap in the name of good hip-hop ha-ha.

It takes a nation of millions to find this funny.

It takes a nation of millions to find this funny.

You want to create some good (met her through the sister of my  big Vince, like some shit from out the flicks we been in love ever since) easy laughs nowadays? Insert a rapping/hip-hop scene into your work. Here’s a quick guide for tips on How To Use Hip-Hop As a Laughing Tool in case you’re writing a movie, TV show, fictional character or skit:

  1. There’s nothing funnier than hearing someone rap to a current hip-hop track in non-rap-like settings (office place, dinner parties, in car with parents).
  2. Take popular, well-known rap song and have character butcher the lyrics.

    Punks jump up and get beat down

    Punks jump up and get beat down

  3. Have a character be the unlikely expert on hip-hop beefs, history
  4. Take rap/hip-hop format and import literal lyrics onto hip-hop sound. The more ironic the lyrics, the better the laughter.
  5. Character(s) use hip-hop related slang inappropriately or correctly in inappropriate places.

Stuck on what to use? Fortunately, the department’s even gone viral now with the emergence of the website — a place to that helps the uninitiated “decode” the language of hip-hop. Its a totally ridiculous websi–pwhwinete9t393jnef a 3q3abrubu3uq9jrfflagighn–

I’m sorry, I just vomited for a moment.

Anyway, a totally ridiculous website that is surely being linked, forwarded and cited everywhere possible. I’m not even going to give you the link–they don’t need the hits. Look’em up if you want to.

Sweet Goodie Mob, someone please stop this madness.

As a matter of fact, upon reflection, I retract my earlier plea for someone to make a hip-hop version of Rock Band.

The last thing I want to do is go to a house party and see a crowd of people gathered at the TV screen chanting along to “I Left My Wallet in El Segundo”.


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