Hold your tongue and say “Apple (bee’s)”

Because of where we work, if we want to eat out for lunch we’ve typically got two choices: syringes or crack whores. And since crack whores give me gas, I rarely eat out in the neighborhood. But not too far away there’s another option that on occassion the co-workers and I will entertain as a group: Applebee’s!

Usually lunch at Applebee’s involves convincing me that it’s healthier than syringes–which I’m still not certain of, by the way–but it’s most assuredly safer than the crack whores.

Straight from the microwave to your table!

Straight from the microwave to your table!

But still….the menu and experience at Applebee’s leaves much to be desired. Applebee’s is the dominant head of the Franchise Fast-Food Restaurant Hydra which if you’re unfamiliar with it, consists of the following:

  • Applebee’s
  • Olive Garden
  • TGI Friday’s
  • Fuddruckers
  • Bennigan’s
  • Red Lobster
  • Outback Steakhouse

Rounding this list out is also Chili’s which actually serves as the taint of this hydra.

So anyway, yeah, Applebee’s might be the grossest one of the bunch, though I’ve learned to become wary of many a place that carries “stix” of any type.

I mean really, have you seen an Applebee’s menu? The last time we went there, it basically went like this…..

It’s divided into specific sections: “Slow Death Fried Foods”, “Food That Obese Lonely People Like”, “Foods to Choke Your Toilet, Draws”, “The Wild Card Dishes (Put Anything Together and We’ll Make It!)”and “Salads”–which was relegated to the back-page of the menu and was adorned with a pink heart next to each item, not because they were healthy choices, but because they were, according to Applebee’s, “Dishes made 100% With Gay

NEW! Applebee's Signature Tofu Sandwich!

NEW! Applebee's Signature Tofu Sandwich!

People in Mind”.

I wildly flipped through the 30-page menu and was struck by several things:

  1. Any place that requires pictures next to its meals is no place I want to eat at. I know what ribs look like, and I am familiar with the concept of bacon, cheese, onions and beef. These do not require pictures and if they do, guess what? You’re not really eating bacon, cheese, onions or beef.
  2. All of Applebee’s items either “sizzle” or have been “rubbed down”. Similar descriptions are usually found at “Shake and Bake” tanning salons and “massage parlors”. I find this extremely gross and mildly pornographic.
  3. Applebee’s is the chain answer to the ‘hood restaurant. In a number of cities in various hoods, you’ll find some variation of “Prince III’s Fried Chicken”, which will tout on a wrap-around runner that it’s the place to be to get “Pizza, Chicken Wings, Seafood, Chinese Food…and More!”.
    "Today's Ingredient?!: MEDIOCRITTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

    "Today's Ingredient?!: MEDIOCRITTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

    ‘bees is no different as their menu offers everything from quesadillas, to ribs, to pasta dishes to black market babies. All for $12.99 or less.

  4. There’s an amazing abundance of bacon to be found and I’ve never seen so many “world-famous” items cobbled together in one place–how do they afford these chefs, I wondered. And then I saw the pick-up truck labeled “Day Laborers Inc: When U Need Them Fast and Cooperative” pull out the back and head to Olive Garden. Aha.
  5. Items are also described as their “signature____”. I don’t know whose “signature” is going on these dishes, but their writing hand should be cut off, thief-style.

Anyway, ordering there was a complete travesty. I love hamburgers and sandwiches, but even that’s not easy to order at ‘bees since their hamburger offerings are like the following:

  • Ham-sadilla Burger: We take two of America’s classicest meals–hamburgers and quesadillas–and mash the two together to make our signature “Applebee’s Ham-sadilla” combining the best fight of the cow and whatever animal the quesadilla comes from to make a mouth-watering meal. Comes with fries, onion rings, nacho chips, cheese salsa and Jack Daniel’s E. coli on top off the burger. Add fries to make the meal complete!
  • Mini Bacon Cheeseburgers: Using our patented “Applebee’s Shrink-Ray” we take 3 cows and shrink them down to appetizer size, lop their heads and limbs off and serve them on mini-buns with Shrink-Ray’ed bacon. Served with fries, Applebee’s apple sauce and anti-hallucinogen and radiation pills*. We ask that all customers who order these to wait 10-15mins to make sure that the Shrink-Ray effects don’t reverse themselves. Add marinara sauce, chicken and guacamole for only $1.99! *consumption of Applebee’s Shrink-Ray causes hallucinations, green diarrhea, monster babies, forked tongue, inflammation of the rectum, red eyes of hatred, Keith Urbanitis, razor0-sharp dandruff, involuntary spontaneous copulation and headache. In that order.
  • Grilled Cheese: Classic grilled cheese with three slices of grilled cheese served between Applebee’s signature, world-famous Jack Daniel’s rubbed bacon. Comes with fries and A1 Sauce. Add bread to your sandwich for only $4.99!

With no clear choice there, and a persistent fear of having monster babies, I opted for a salad instead. Fortunately Applebee’s offers a veritable smorgasbord of salads; 5. But even these sounded gruesome too, as they were all “crusted”, “grilled” or “skeeted”. I finally settled on, no lie, “The Oriental Salad” which apparently means it’s served with fortune cookies, Kimodo balls, Samurai meat and math problems. With soy sauce on top. When I ordered it, the waiter raised an eyebrow and insisted on calling me “miss” the rest of the time for my “dickless order”.

But I stuck to my nunchuks and got the salad which also came with a complimentary side of french fries and a dozen “chicken stix”.


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